


I Saved Her

by miya_april



Category: Park Jimin - Fandom, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Alternate Universe - Mental Institution, Angst, Anxiety, Blood, Borderline Personality Disorder, Cussing, Dark, Death, Doctor Jin, Fights, Graphic Description, Heavy Angst, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Sorry, Insanity, Masturbation, Mental Anguish, My First Fanfic, Oral Sex, Other, POV Female Character, POV First Person, Parent/Child Incest, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rough Sex, Sex, Smut, Suggestion of Rape, Suicide Attempt, Triggers, Violence, crazy jimin, mention of suicide, min yoongi / kim taehyung - Freeform, omg i'm nervous, suga / v - Freeform, suggested molestation, suggestion of sex, taegi - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-07
Updated: 2017-09-05
Packaged: 2018-08-13 13:26:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 64,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7978327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miya_april/pseuds/miya_april
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Park Jimin. </p><p>He was a handsome boy who had ashy blonde hair, rosy lips, and haunting eyes. How could someone so pure looking be so demented and screwed up inside? </p><p>(This story was inspired by the youtube video [park jimin ─ i saved her.] by datjimilly)</p><p>I've also added Jungkook's Story at the end of this. So please give that some love! Thank you!</p><p>[COMPLETE]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Love In Blood

I looked up at the fortified white building. Everything looked like it was perfect, a reality outside of the normal Seoul. But I knew better. The perfectly cut shrubbery, the stainless windows, the sparkling golden plated entrance; all of it was just a front for the public. 

And why shouldn’t it be? Only the richest of the rich sent their problems to this institute; their family members dead for all they cared. Only high clearance guards, doctors, and therapists like myself, knew how fucked up the kids were in this god forsaken prison. 

But I was determined to give it my all. I didn’t work my ass off to not be in the best hospital in the country. 

And today I was given a new client. Another nutcase that I was meant to “cure.” But really all they wanted was to keep him locked up and away from public, as to save his family shame and humiliation. 

Money can buy anything.

I’ve learned this while working here at Kim Seokjin Institute.

 

I sat at my desk watching the clock. I had five minutes till I had to go. I figured I'd have time to get a quick cup of coffee, but my plans were changed as the head director caught me leaving my office.

Kim Seokjin was the most handsome man I've ever seen. And not only that, he was highly educated, and had a lot of money to his name. The whole package. Too bad he was into men. Not that I had a chance with him to begin with, regardless of his sexuality.

“Hello Director, can I help you with anything?”

“Afternoon,” he smiled wide; killing me in the inside. “I just wanted to say good luck today with your new one.”

I hugged the clipboard a little tighter to my chest, “Yes sir, thank you. He shouldn't be a problem, seeing as he's finally decided to speak. Patients who voluntarily seek help are more ‘calm’ than the others.”

“Yeah I suppose that's true. Either way, if you need anything don't hesitate to ask,” he said warmly with a pat to my shoulder. 

The blush was unavoidable on my cheeks, “Thank you sir.”

I watched as he turned the corner; leaving me just outside the therapy room. I missed out on coffee, but being escorted by Kim Seokjin was a good trade off. I'd be able to daydream about that later. 

I stepped into the off-white room with a bit of a hop to my step and started setting up the camera and a few of my papers and notepad. It was standard practice to record all sessions; either for evidence, reference for future sessions, or just general documentation. Everything was prepared and I was ready to go.

On the dot, three in the afternoon, two guards brought in Park Jimin. 

He was a handsome boy who had ashy blonde hair, rosy lips, and haunting eyes. I wasn’t afraid of him; at this point in my career he was only a number. I knew my true purpose was to ask key questions and try and figure out why he did what he did. But it didn’t really matter. Even if he told me the truth, nothing would come of it. 

It’s not like they’d take him to jail, persecute him, or send him to prison. His family was far too rich to let that happen. So instead they opted to pay to keep him in our institute and pretend like he didn't exist anymore. 

I cleared my throat as I sat down at the white plastic table, and waited as the guards forcefully put him down to sit across from me. They walked back to the door, one staying inside and the other manning the outside, as was regulation whenever any therapist had a session with one of the patients. 

I pushed my glasses up and crossed my legs, “Park Jimin. It’s nice to meet you. I hope you slept well last night.”

He remained quiet. He didn’t look at me. He didn’t move. If I didn't know any better he looked like a doll; an angel. How could someone so pure looking be so demented and screwed up inside? 

“You’ve been with us for a year now, and I heard that you asked to seek consultation. Am I correct?”

I saw his fingers twitch. 

I looked down at my clipboard that had his profile clipped to it. His haunting eyes peircing up through the picture; eyes I couldn’t seem to get to look at me now. 

“A year of silence, and now you’d like for someone to hear your story, yes? I’m here for you. I’ll listen to what you have to say.”

Finally his eyes slowly dragged their way up from the ground and glared at me through his half lidded eyes. He smirked devilishly, revealing just how handsome and scary he could be. I remained unmoved, unimpressed. 

“Ah, yes, there you are.”

“It’s nice to meet you too Doc. You’re really pretty.”

“Thank you Jimin. That’s very nice of you to say.”

He licked his lips slowly and leaned back, spreading his legs a little more, making his dingy button top pull across his chest and his black slacks stretch across his legs and body. 

“Doc…. you’ll listen to my story right?”

“Of course.”

“Even if I confess that I killed someone?”

I could tell he was watching me closely. His eyes never moved from mine, and he studied my every move. What I said now, and what I did, would judge how the rest of this session would go.

“Yes Jimin. Even if you confess that you killed someone.”

He seemed to accept my answer, as he relaxed a bit more. “It’s a love story… what I’m about to tell you.”

“Oh really? How fascinating,” I said as I started jotting down a few key words.

His smile was stunning, almost, if not the same as Kim Seokjin’s. I could feel my heart tugging inside my chest. But I quickly tossed any and all thoughts that I shouldn't have.

He leaned his head back and stared at the ceiling, watching as the fan up above spin slowly; the cords dangling back and forth, back and forth. The clock on the wall ticked away as he counted in his head just how many times I tapped my pen on my clipboard.

“Have you ever been in love,” he asked with a soft whisper.

“Yes I have.”

“No. I’m talking about the love you’d kill for. The type of love you’d die for. Only the most tragic, romantic love there is in life?”

“.....No I can’t say I have. At least, not the kind I’d kill for.”

He slowly tilted his head back down, his eyes carried a hint of innocence and nostalgia, mixed in with a murderous intent. He smiled sweetly at me, conveying the look of an innocent child in front of me; as if I’d forget he was a sinister, warped killer.

“Well… I have Doc.”

 

 

\-------------

 

 

“Jimin!”

Her voice was like sunshine, cutting through all darkness in my heart. Her giggles and laughing piercing right through my soul, leaving nothing in its wake. I was a slave to her smile. A slave to her eyes. A slave to everything she was. Because she was my sole purpose of living on this damned planet that did nothing for me. 

I ran up to her, giving her endless kisses on her perfect rosy cheeks. She giggled and pushed me away embarrassingly. She loved all the attention, all the kissing. She was just shy.

“Jagiya, how come you're late? I’ve been waiting for you.”

“I’m sorry baby, I got held up at dance practice. Jungkook wanted to go over the routine a few more times, seeing as our recital is in a week.”

“You’d rather spend time with him huh,” I asked with a voice of sarcasm and jealousy. 

“Don’t be jealous Jimin, it’s not attractive in a guy,” she winked as she teasingly dragged her hand across my chest as she made her way inside of the movie theater.

I licked my lips slowly, watching as her skirt fluttered in the wind. Her legs tantalizing me, and the burning in my heart growing wild. 

Jungkook must see her like I see her. Who wouldn’t?

Every day he touches her, talks to her; they sweat together, work hard together. 

I hated his guts. And I hated her for it too. Why couldn’t she just drop that hopeless dream of being a famous ballerina and just stay by my side? I was one of the wealthiest guys in the country. All she had to do was smile and do as I told her. Simple.

She turned around with a smile, her hair grazing past her face, “Jimin! C’mon!”

I love her so much.

 

\--------------

 

 

“So you can see that your jealousy was a problem right?”

He sighed loudly and leaned forward to prop his head up on his hands, squishing his cheek a bit cutely, “Doc, jealousy is just a sign of love. If I wasn't jealous then it's like I didn't care. Right?” 

I peered up, my glasses halfway down my nose, “I see.” 

“Can I continue now,” he asked with a bit of annoyance in his voice. 

“Sorry, I'll keep quiet. Please continue.” 

 

 

\---------------

 

 

The day of her recital, I wore my best clothes, my best watch, the best cologne. Even the slight makeup around my eyes was perfect. I had to look my best if I was going to be meeting her classmates and teachers. They had to know she belonged to me, that they couldn't compare to me.

Jungkook had to know he didn't compare. 

I walked up into the auditorium with a bouquet of roses, ready to surprise her afterwards. But with the giant vibrant roses in hand, it made me stand out. Not that I wasn't used to standing out in public, who wouldn't want to look at me? But none of the staring eyes mattered, I only had eyes for her. 

I sat down and waited for it to begin. Minutes ticked away, turning into a two hour recital with a fifteen minute break in the middle.

I remained seated the whole time, livid as I watched Jungkook spin her around and carry her. His hands wrapped around her thighs to toss her in the air. My hands squeezed the stems of the roses, my hand bleeding from the thorn stabbing into my palm. But I couldn't feel the pain as I stared up at them. She had a look of complete trust in him; a look of passion and determination I had never seen before.

Why couldn't I have seen such looks on her face? Seen such a dazzling smile? 

As the recital came to a close, I found my way to the bathroom to clean up my bloody hand. And soon after, I made my way to the back of the stage where the prep rooms were. Jungkook was beside her, both of them being congratulated by someone who looked like their teacher. 

“Jagiya,” I said with my most stunning smile, confidence radiating off my body.

I walked past the teacher and Jungkook, quickly wrapping my arm around her waist and giving her a swift kiss on the cheek, presenting her with her bouquet of roses. 

“Oh my God babe! You shouldn't have! Thank you so much!”

I gave her a coy smile, “Anything for my girl.” 

She blushed and looked down at the roses before lifting her head and gesturing to her right, “Well I know this is a little late, but Jimin this is my dance partner Jungkook. And this is my teacher Son Sungdeok.”

I bowed respectively towards her teacher, and only spared a quick glance in Jungkook’s direction. 

Jungkook was slightly taller than me, and had more body mass to him. But his eyes were weak against mine, he was no competition. 

After chatting with her teacher some, Jungkook left; their teacher was also called off to talk to other students, leaving only us two.

I pulled her in tight, wrapping my whole body as best as I could around her smaller one. I inhaled deeply, getting as much as her scent in my nose and fill my lungs. I smelled a mix of sweat, a sweet apple body spray, and the shampoo in her hair.

“Baby stop. I smell bad!”

“No you don't. You never do.”

She laughed and pushed me away, “You're hopeless.”

I stood back and watched as she started gathering her things, making sure she didn't forget anything. She was so graceful, every step gentle. I was in awe with the shift in her hair, the baby hairs curling around her perfect face. Every move she made was beautiful.

“So I'm guessing you're done with this place now that the recital is over, right?”

She looked at me with confusion in her eyes, “What? No, I plan on staying.” 

I tightened my jaw before seconds later letting it relax, “But you graduate soon right? There's nothing left for you here.”

Her face twisted a bit in pain, “What are you talking about? My teacher is still here, Jungkook is-” 

“Why do you care about that asshole?”

“Jimin! Don't talk about my friends like that! You don’t even know him!”

I was getting pissed, my blood boiling, “Why are you defending him, huh?! You got something to tell me?!”

She was starting to tear up, her body shaking, “What are you trying to say? Huh?! Do you think I'm cheating?” 

“Maybe you are, maybe you aren’t. But the way you look at him is different from the way you look at me…” 

I had to physically turn my body away before I did something I'd regret. My hands gripping the cheap vanity tight, making my knuckles turn white. I wanted to hit something, anything. Anything to take away the stress and pain that she was causing me. 

How can she not know that she looks at him differently? Who did she think she was?

She sniffed, a few tears falling, “Jimin…. Baby…. You know I love you right? I’m not cheating on you with him…”

My grip loosened slowly, my shoulders relaxing, and I took a deep breath. For now it seemed, I wouldn’t lose control. 

I turned around to see her weeping softly, making her face more red. I slowly walked over to her, put my hand under her chin to make her look up at me. She looked so weak and pathetic in my hands; so ugly.

I wiped her tears with my thumbs and kissed the corners of her eyes, “Jagiya… I want to be the only one. The only one you look at. Just me. No one else.”

“You are Jimin. You are the only man I love.”

“You promise?”

“I promise.”

I pulled my hands away from her face and held out my pinky, “Pinky promise?”

She blessed me with her adorable giggle. She locked her pinky with mine, and we stamped our thumbs together. I grasped her tiny hand in mine and pulled her hard against my chest. I needed more than just a pinky promise.

I needed her to know she was mine.

I claimed her lips in a fierce kiss. Biting at her lip, she easily succumbed and opened her mouth wider, letting my tongue force its way inside. She loved my lips, my kisses, I knew this. So easily would she beg for more. And that’s how it should be.

She had to know she belonged to me. 

She is mine. 

 

 

\---------------

 

“Doc, are you paying attention?”

I had to force myself to not roll my eyes, “Yes Jimin, very carefully.”

He sat back, his own fingers laced together on the table as he examined me. I could see him looking me up and down. It gave me the creeps, but I wasn’t about to say anything. I’ve learned that the patients tend to fantasize and project their own images on the therapists and doctors. We were the only people they ever saw. So instead of telling him to stop or show him how uncomfortable I was, it was easier in the long run to let him check me out.

“Did you know that roses have thorns in order to protect them from animals who might want to eat them? Animals are attracted by the wonderful and intoxicating scent they give off.”

I looked away from him to write down what he was saying. It could be important to him in some way. Roses might mean something significant to him.

“No I wasn’t aware of that. You’re really smart.”

“You like to compliment people Doc. Did you know?” 

I noticed that he hasn’t once looked away from me. His eyes and demeanour were becoming less and less stressed and tense. His body was relaxing in the chair, and he was looking at me now with softer eyes. 

I uncrossed my legs only to switch them, pushing my glasses up once again, “Compliments make people feel good. And if people feel good, they can become happier.”

“You want me to be happy?”

I was thrown off by the way his voice sounded suddenly like a child’s; so lost. The first time since he walked into the room, I looked away from him not by choice, but on instinct.

His eyes narrowed.

“Jimin I think you need help. But I don’t think you should be void of happiness. Much to what others might think.”

He pulled his chair closer to the table and leaned forward, letting his chin rest on his folded arms. It gave him an air of innocence, of child-like wonder; his eyes beaming up into mine, past his fluffy bangs.

“Can I be happy with you?”

This kid was trouble. So easily did it feel like he was suddenly manipulating me. I suddenly felt like I was being pulled into his own pace. I needed to gain control again.

“I think we should continue on. Weren’t you here to tell me your story?”

He pouted, sticking out his plump bottom lip, “But Doc, I think I’d rather just stare at you now. You’re so beautiful… just like a rose….”

I put my clipboard on the table and closed the open folder as I took off my glasses, “Listen, if you’re not going to talk to me seriously, then I have no reason to be here. Do you understand?”

He grinned as he sat back up and got back into the lazy position in his chair, legs spread open and arms dangling at his sides, “Ughhh why do you have to be so boring? At least you’re attractive. Gives me something to think about while I jack off at night.”

I stood up quickly as I sighed.

He laughed hysterically. His high pitched voice echoing off the walls. I watched as his body doubled over, his arms squeezing his stomach as if he was in pain. 

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I couldn’t help myself! You’re so fun to tease Doc!”

“We’re done here.”

“NO! WAIT!”

He stood up quickly, banging his hands against the table. The guard at the door took a few steps towards him with his baton in hand. But I quickly held my hand up to stop him from doing any harm. If Jimin wasn’t attacking me, there was no point in my eyes to attack him. I stood still, and watched his eyes and his body language. He was tense and panicked, I could tell he didn’t want me to leave. He must be feeling helpless, not being in control. 

The clocked ticked on in silence as I let him gain control of his breathing. It was only when he slowly sat back down that the guard returned to door to stand and wait; his hand still on his baton. 

I did my best to calm my own heartbeat; doing my best to not show any weakness or fear or annoyance. It was my job to make him feel comfortable enough to talk. Otherwise there’d be no point in having therapists here at the institute.

I sat back down and slipped my glasses back on, “Are you willing to continue then, Jimin?”

“Just promise me you won’t leave.”

“I can only promise to hear you out. Nothing more.”

He glanced away and chewed on his bottom lip.

 

 

\-------------------

 

 

A month later we were celebrating our one year anniversary. At this point she had just moved in with me. With school out of the way now, she no longer had any excuses to stay apart from me. 

I bought the most expensive steaks and the freshest vegetables for dinner. Only the richest chocolate cake for dessert. Everything came from the finests bakeries and restaurants. Only the best for my Jagiya.

After spending hours in the kitchen preparing everything and cooking the whole meal, all that was left was to light the candles and set up the mood in the bedroom.

I untied the apron from my waist and picked up the dozen roses that were on the couch. One by one I plucked the beautiful sheen petals and scattered them around the bed, the floor, and through the bathroom. The soft glow of the candles gave the most perfect ambiance to the room. It now smelled like cherries and roses. 

I could see it now.

She’d come home. Happy to see me. We’d have our dinner and dessert. Compliment me on my cooking skills. Then we’d take a long bath together. Not able to keep her hands of my body. And lastly I’d get to have the best dessert….

I licked my lips in anticipation for the night’s events. Everything was going to be perfect.

But as I waited, thirty minutes went by. And then an hour. She was late. She was never late. I always made sure to scold her if she was. But at this point in our relationship, she knew better. 

I called her over and over. Sent endless texts. But she didn’t respond.

I threw my phone on the bed, not caring that it landed with a hard thud on the ground. 

What the fuck was she doing? Did she forget about our night together? Did she not realize how important today was? Just how much effort I had put into everything?

I paced around the room endlessly.

What if she’s stopped loving me?

No. No.

I can’t let her go.

I quickly grabbed my phone and slipped on my shoes to head out and drive to where I thought she’d be; the dance studio. I revved up my engine and drove through the streets, not caring about the red lights or the speed limit. I needed to see her.

My mind was going crazy with endless possibilities of what she could be doing. And all of it seemed to end up with Jungkook. Jungkook confessing his love to her. Jungkook grabbing her body. Jungkook kissing her lips. Jungkook pushing her up against the wall and fucking her brains out. 

Jungkook stealing her away.

I bit my lip so hard at the thought that I drew blood. I pushed my foot down on the gas pedal.

Just fifteen minutes later I was parking my car across two spots. I jumped out of the car and ran inside. I headed to the back room where she normally practiced. She always said it was more comfortable because it was smaller and had less mirrors. Whatever. It didn’t matter to me.

I looked through the door and didn’t see her. I pulled out my phone again and called her. As expected I heard it go off in the practice room. Maybe she was in the bathroom and left her phone. But as I was about to go searching, I heard soft sniffling. It was her. Why wasn’t she answering her phone?

I opened the door slowly as I hung up.

“He called me again….”

“You shouldn’t have to be so scared of him. Be honest with him and tell him you want to break up.”

I clenched my phone hard. My mind was starting to go white. Through the reflection of the mirror I saw her sitting next to Jungkook behind the piano in the corner of the room. He had his arm around her and rubbed her arm. 

“But… he’s not always so bad. It’s just… lately…. I think he’s just gotten worse. The jealousy and the dominance he has, his insecurities and ego….” She wiped her tears and leaned against Jungkook’s shoulder, “Jungkook…. I’m just so glad I have you in my life. You’ve always taken good care of me.”

“Always.”

 

 

\----------------

 

 

“........”

I looked up from my clipboard, paused in my writing as he stopped talking. “Jimin? Is everything ok?”

His eyes started shaking in his eye sockets. His forehead was starting to sheen over with sweat. I could tell his heart was racing as his chest started heaving up and down faster.

“Jimin, we can stop if you want too. You don’t have to say any more if you wish.”

But a second later, he slammed his head hard on the table, a loud crack sounding through the room. I screamed loudly from the sudden action and noise. But my senses coming back to me, I jumped up from my seat to rushed over to him. 

I should have known better.

In a flash he grabbed me by the neck and pulled my body to his causing my glasses to fly across the room. We were backed up against the wall, and he kept me in between him and the guards; my back against his chest. 

My vision was hazy, but I saw the blood stain on the white table, and felt something dripping onto my shoulder. He was bleeding pretty bad from the force of the collision. But my mind quickly replaced his safety with my own. I could feel his nails digging into my neck. It was getting harder to breathe.

I begged, “Jimin, please, don’t do this.”

“You know… Doc,” he asked with such a heartbreaking whimper, “I can still hear her voice. She’s in my head.”

“Jimin! NO! Please!”

His arm tightened itself around my waist and grabbed tightly onto my white doctor’s coat. He wasn’t planning on letting me go any time soon. The guards saw a trickle of my blood dripping from my neck. But they couldn’t do anything so long as he kept his hold on me. They couldn’t risk my life.

But at this point, it felt like my life was slipping away by the second anyways.

All I could do was try and get him to talk. Get him to drop his guard.

“Jimin… listen… you were hurt. It’s… ok…. It’s not your fault,” I lied through my teeth.

He put his head on my shoulder and turned his head to speak directly in my ear. I could feel his soft lips against the shell of my ear. It sent dark shivers down my body.

“I took her to the other side. I burned her with me. Now…. no one can see her anymore.” I could feel him smirking, “Her sweet, sweet screams. Her pleading and her begging for me to stop. It’s all so clear in my head.”

“You…. what….”

“I can see it Doc. I didn’t hesitate to beat the shit out of that asshole. I didn’t hesitate to grab her by her hair and drag her to the mirrors and and smash her pretty face against it.” He laughed manically, “I can see it so clearly! She was bleeding so much. And never had she ever looked so beautiful! She was painted just like a rose!”

He gulped hard and started inhaling my neck, “The smell of blood… it reminds me of her. Of how I got on top of her…. Took her body for my own…. Her flesh was so soft to my fingertips…. Oh how I miss it….” He started kissing my neck while tightening his grip, his nails feeling that much sharper, “How I miss seeing the life drain away from her eyes as I choked her to death. She was never as beautiful as she lay lifeless underneath me.”

“You killed her…. She’s gone….”

“Yes… And now….” he narrowed his eyes and whispered in my ear, “She’s mine forever.”

His grip loosened a bit around my neck, but didn’t fully let go. I could breathe a little better, but knew I was still in a lot of trouble. I could hear more guards outside the room talking about what they could do. But my body physically shifted in Jimin’s arms at the sound of Seokjin’s voice. 

Jimin chewed on his lip before tightening his grip on my neck again, “You want to leave me, don’t you?”

“N-No...”

“YOU’RE A LIAR!”

He grabbed one of my pens from my coat pocket and quickly put it against my neck. I couldn’t stop the tears from falling, I was scared. I was so scared. But my senses seemed to by more aware; I could feel drops falling onto my shoulder. I did my best to use the reflections of the glass windows to try and get a look at his face.

It wasn’t droplets of blood, but his tears.

He cried into my shoulder, “Why? Why did her face look so scared? Why did she scream so much? She knew it was because I loved her. She had to know! I WAS SO IN LOVE WITH HER!!!”

My coat was stained with his blood and tears. Now, my own blood and tears falling. His grip was unsteady. In seconds of each other, he’d dig his nails into me drawing out more of my blood, then let go. He’d repeat the process as he continued to sob into my shoulder. The constant feeling of the pen’s point on my neck was terrifying; more blood.

His voice was dark and hollow, but as he shifted his face, I could feel his lips turn into a smile against my skin, “She can be with me forever now. She should be happy.”

I cried, “Jimin… please…”

He quickly turned his body to face mine, pushing my body hard against the wall, the back of my head throbbing from the sudden force. I felt pain as his hand started choking the life out of me; my face going purple and my mind about to shut down. But in those short seconds, I saw the evil, yet begging look in his eyes. It was almost as if he wanted approval. Like he wanted some validation for the way he felt.

His bangs were splattered by his blood, sticking to his forehead. His eyes red and bloodshot. But despite the grotesque look on his face, he smiled. It was the same angelic smile that I saw at the beginning of our session. He looked so happy.

The guards took their chance and shot their tranquilizers at him. His grip remain tight on my neck as his body launched forward into mine. His head and body going limp as the tranquilizer started running through his blood system, letting us fall slowly to the ground. I squeezed my eyes shut as I felt his bloody forehead slide down against my face. It was so hot and sticky; repulsing. 

The guards grabbed his unconscious body off of mine and dragged him out of the room. I blinked a bit as I remained still.

But darkness clouded my vision. 

 

I awoke to the sounds of beeping and soft murmur of machines. My eyes slowly opened, taking their time to adjust to the bright light of the natural light seeping in through the window.

“You’re awake.” Seokjin hovered above me and smiled, “Welcome back.”

“How….? Where….?”

“You’re still in the institute. You’ve been unconscious for about a day now. How are you feeling?”

I did my best to sit up, looking around as I did. Sure enough the decorum on the walls gave it away, I was in the institute’s medical office. 

“.....how is he?”

“He was treated for the gash on his forehead, and is still knocked out. You don’t have to worry about him.”

“Director… he…” I sighed, “I think he just needs help.”

Seokjin crossed his arms, “What are you talking about? He attacked you. He deserves to be locked up and forgotten about.”

“That’s not fair though.”

He just shook his head as he started making his way out, “Life isn’t fair. Didn’t you know? That’s why this institute exists.” He smiled a bit, some concern in his eyes as he stood at the door, “Listen, just rest and get better. I need my favorite therapist back out there again.”

He closed the door behind him, the loud thud sounding a lot like the sound of Jimin smashing his head against the table.

I closed my eyes as I lay back down in bed, trying my hardest to think about anything but the incident. I failed miserably, as all I could think about was Jimin.

The image of the angelic sweet boy mixed with the bloody, sinister one. Back and forth, his smile soft and innocent, then cold and wretched. I could see Jimin’s bloody face staring back at mine. The sweet smile spread upon his lips; pity and begging in his eyes. 

His last whisper echoed loudly in my brain.

“I saved her…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK SO after watching DatJimilly's [park jimin ─ i saved her.] i just HAD to write this out. That video was amazing and creepy and did i mention amazing? If you haven't seen it, please go give it a watch! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MdpyAKj46Rs And follow her on Twitter because she's always releasing amazing edits! OH and the title as well as all the phrases and words she used in the video are in this fic! So credit goes to her too! (ok enough fangirling from me)  
> I hope ya'll like it! This is actually my first work in the fandom. And I was just really inspired to write it and post it. Sorry if there are spelling errors and bad sentence structure and yada yada.... And if ya'll wouldn't mind, I wasn't sure about the tags... There is violence and stuff, and since I'm new to all of this, I wasn't sure on the exact wording i should use. So please help me! I'd appreciate it! Thanks!  
> Bye bye! Please be Happy! - Miya


	2. Please, Help Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She was clumsy. Bright. Had frizzy hair that curled at the slightest heat. Vibrant eyes. Had a bad habit of pouting when she messed up. A dazzling smile. Tried to not eat so much, but end up eating anyways. A weird sense of humor. And the cutest giggle. 
> 
> She was far from perfect. 
> 
> And I fell in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Hello! ^^/  
> So by popular demand, here is part 2! or well, more like prequel to I Saved Her....  
> Jungkook's POV!  
> Enjoy! <3  
> Read my end notes for good news~~~~

My favorite part of the day was getting the chance to go into the art room and paint. They only allowed us an hour, so I always made sure to be on time for class. It wasn’t like they strictly watched us, or taught us. It was more so letting us express how we were feeling, or express something that maybe we couldn’t say with words. 

My least favorite part of the day was when the sun set and the moon took it’s place. It meant lights out and we were locked in our rooms to sleep. I never slept. At least I didn’t sleep for long, for the nightmares plagued me. 

The white of her eyes. The shrill of her scream. The pool of blood around her still body. Her voice calling my name. Fire. So much fire. Every night I saw her. Every night I’d cry. 

 

They said I was making a lot of progress.

They said that I was really talented with art.

They said that the nightmares would go away eventually. 

They said it wasn’t my fault.

They said….. They said….

 

My favorite part of the day was pretending like I hadn't spent a year in this hospital for troubled youth. Pretending like she was still here and I still had a normal life. 

Pretending like I wasn’t dead inside.

 

 

\--------------------

 

She was clumsy. Bright. Had frizzy hair that curled at the slightest heat. Vibrant eyes. Had a bad habit of pouting when she messed up. A dazzling smile. Tried to not eat so much, but end up eating anyways. A weird sense of humor. And the cutest giggle. 

She was far from perfect. 

And I fell in love.

 

 

 

“Jungkook! Come here, there's someone I want you to meet,” the head choreographer yelled across the studio. 

The girls in the corner started whispering and giggling to themselves as they stretched for the afternoon. I did my best to not pay them any mind, but it was hard when they all idolized me. I wasn't someone who should be idolized, I was just a average guy with an average life. I guess my looks did make me stand out a little. But that was never important to me like it was with other people.

As I approached my teacher, Son Sungdeuk, he pushed the girl forward a bit, “Meet my newest star. She’s got a lot of talent, like you do. So I want you to take her under your wings and treat her nice. I expect great things from the two of you.” 

He left to start warming up the rest of the students. I felt awkward just standing there next to her. I've never been good around girls, mostly because I can't ever figure out what they want. So most of the time I keep to myself and just concentrate on dance. 

She bowed a bit shyly, but smiled wide as she stuck out her hand for me to grab, “It's nice to meet you! I look forward to learning from you.” 

I grabbed her much smaller hand in mine, my own heartbeat racing a bit, “Same here. Let's work hard together.”

She ran off to start practicing with the rest of the class. Somehow a smile turned up on my face. I bit my lip and scratched the back of my neck, a bad habit of mine. It was strange how naturally my guard came down around her. 

 

“Oh. My. God. She’s dating Park Jimin?! I’m so fucking jealous!!! How in the world-”

“Wait! WHAT?! REALLY?!”

With practice over for the day, I made my way to my car, but was distracted by the two underclassman next to me. I turned to see what they were looking at and saw some guy kissing on the newcomer as she ran up to him after practice. The way he wrapped his arms around her waist, kept his face close to her cheek, smiled down at her, eyes piercing right through her…

I turned my head, a bit uncomfortable watching. I leaned in closer and cleared my throat, “S-So… who is Park Jimin?”

The two girls looked up at me with a blush in their cheeks. At first it looked like they were trying to form the right words to speak; starstruck. I really didn’t like it when girls looked at me like that. It made me feel really uncomfortable.

“H-He’s like the richest guy in all of Korea. His family runs it’s own hotels, spa’s, and has a hand in the fashion industry too! They’re like a complete powerhouse family!”

The other girl bit her lip, “But you know what, I heard his dad is like, really really scary. And I even heard that behind closed doors, he has all kinds of affairs with their maids and stuff!”

“Oh my God are you serious?!”

At this point I turned back to see her getting into Park Jimin’s car, I think some brand that only had ten released in the whole world if I remembered correctly. It wasn’t to say that I wasn’t jealous, because I was. He had everything; money, fame, looks, cars, a comfortable life. And most of all, he had someone like her smiling next to him. 

He really was lucky. But I did my best to pay them no mind.

 

“So tell us. Are you really dating Park Jimin?”

“I can’t see it at all! But does he like buy you everything?”

“You’re his, like, unknown little sister or something, right?”

“Can you get me his autograph???!”

I popped my neck as I set my backpack down and started doing my own warm up routine. I glanced to the side and saw they had the new girl cornered. The girls were at it again. Ever since they saw her get in Park Jimin’s car, they relentlessly nagged her about their relationship. And every day she kept quiet about it, saying something along the lines of “mind your own business.”

But today was different. She just smiled and and nodded, “So I’ve come to realize that none of you really care to know the truth and just want something to gossip about.” 

The girls looked so offended. I couldn’t help but smirk as I watched.

“Yes, I’m dating the Park Jimin. He likes to buy me things, but I always tell him to not waste his money. No I’m not his unknown little sister. And no you can’t have his autograph. Any more questions?”

Their jaws were hanging in shock. I don’t think they’ve ever been talked to that way. I was impressed. 

“Why you little-”

I jolted, realizing that one of the girls was raising her hand to probably smack the shit out of the new girl, but my teacher was already there holding her hand back.

“What do you think you’re doing in my studio?”

“I’m… I’m sorry seon-saeng-nim!”

“Go warm up. All of you,” his voice heavy, leaving zero room for argument.

I made my way to the new girl and watched her a bit as she stretched her body. I stared for too long, making her turn her head and look at me with skepticism. 

“Uhh… Can I help you Jungkook?”

“H-Huh? No… sorry… I just got distracted, or um, not distracted by your body or anything. Not to say your body isn’t good to look at, but…..”

Shit. Shit. Shit!

She busted out laughing and smacked my arm, “You’re so funny! Are you always this awkward?”

“No????” My head sloped down, “…..yes….”

She just continued to giggle as she finished her stretches. I couldn’t help but chuckle with her. Her laugh seemed to carry some magic that eased any awkward or uncomfortable feelings I had. Really, she was something else. So easily could she talk to me. So easily would she look me in the eyes and not look at me as if I was some sort of celebrity. So easily could I be myself around her.

I glanced her way then turned away again from embarrassment. 

For just a split second I felt my heart take a dive. It pulsed differently and it made my stomach flip in weird ways. 

What was happening?

 

Every day I worked my ass off. It was only natural that I’d get the lead in the end of the year recital. Everyone clapped; the girls cooed and giggled, it was something everyone expected. But the moment that our teachers announced that the new girl was to take the female lead role, the whole room went silent.

The teachers started clapping, so I decided to clap with them. The other students were slow on the uptake, but started clapping as well. 

After the announcements, she pulled me aside. She bowed humbly to me, making me awkward; no one had ever bowed to me like that before.

“Thank you so much. If it wasn’t for your tips and advice, I’d never have gotten the lead.”

She straightened up and smiled. I was in awe of her smile, “No, it was because you worked really hard. The teachers saw that. So, you don’t have to thank me, really.”

She crossed her arms, tapping her finger, “You still get my thanks, don’t be so humble.”

“Humble?”

“Or maybe awkward. I think that’s the word that describes you best.”

I could tell she was teasing me in a playful way, trying to get a rise out of me. I smirked and poked her forehead, “Then I guess the word that would describe you best would be shortie.”

“H-Hey! That’s mean!”

“Should I call you Lil Bit then?”

“No way Jungkook! That’s embarrassing and dumb!”

I poked her forehead again and made my way back to the group, smiling, “Nope! Lil Bit it is~”

 

In the month that had passed I had gotten so used to her smiling. I never realized just how much she was keeping inside. 

So the day I saw her with eyes swollen, lips bruised, and pale skin, I panicked. What had happened to her?

Everyone noticed. No one said anything.

I wanted to say something. 

But she just did her best to go over the routine and concentrate on her body and how it moved, or more like, didn’t move. It wasn’t her day. They continued to scold her. Told her she could do better. That she was better than what she was giving. 

I could tell she was upset with herself. I could tell she wanted to cry, but her pride wouldn’t let her. And besides, it seemed like she already spent the whole night doing just that; crying. 

Not once had I ever wanted to hug a girl. But the way she looked, the way she so determinedly moved her limbs, the way her eyes burned like fire… Just everything that she was, made me want to hold her and tell her she was doing an amazing job. That she was amazing.

If I didn’t know any better. I was falling in love.

 

More and more frequently I started noticing her sad eyes; her nervous ticks. I started noticing because before I knew it, all I was doing was watching her, thinking about her; I was concerned about her. She was my dance partner, we were leads together. My days were nothing but filled with her. Of course I’d start noticing when she put on a fake smile. 

I really couldn’t stand her fake smiles.

I saw her leaving the back practice room and go out the back doors. 

I shouldn’t have followed her. I should have just stayed and practiced. But I really couldn’t leave her alone. My feet moved on their own and I was following her out the back door. I slowly opened it up and listened. I just heard her whimpering and mumbling to herself.

“Lil Bit?”

She shot right up from her crouched position by the wall and did her best to wipe her tears, keeping her back towards me.

“O-Oh Jungkook, you’re here? Shouldn’t you be practicing?”

I sighed, “Is that any way to talk to your partner?”

“My nosy partner!”

“H-Hey! I was just worried…..about you….” I scratched the back of my neck. 

Having wiped her face of her tears, all that was left was her red eyes and flared up skin. I took a step closer and on instinct wiped her cheek softly with my thumb. The both of us were lost for a second. Both staring into each other’s eyes, and lost in the warmth of each other.

But the moment was over as her phone started ringing.

We both pulled away. 

I gulped, “A-Aren’t you gonna answer that?”

She looked down at her phone then ignored it, looking up at the darkening sky, “No....”

“....who is it?”

“My boyfriend.”

Park Jimin….

“I see… I guess…. Ya’ll are fighting huh?”

She giggled a bit, sarcasm thick in her voice, “What makes you think that?” But as soon as she said it she frowned, “No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have-”

 

“No, it’s ok, really.” I wobbled on my feet, weight going back and forth between my heels and toes, “....would you like me to go?”

She smiled with more tears coming down her already swollen eyes, “Please stay.”

 

If I didn’t know it before. If I whole heartedly denied it before. I was no longer confused. 

I was in love with her.

Deeper and deeper I was falling. As they days turned to weeks, I no longer had any concessions about my feelings for her. She was the first girl I’ve ever gotten close too. And now the first girl I’d ever fallen in love with.

But the reality of it all was that it was just unrequited. She had no clue. She didn’t see me more than anything than just her dance partner. 

She was in love with another man. 

It was infuriating just how much of an asshole he was, yet she would always defend him. She’d always cry or make excuses for him, even going as far as ignoring me for two days because I called him a selfish prick. 

The more I got to know her, the more I got to see just how much of an asshole Park Jimin was. 

He was condescending. He thought everything was supposed to go his way. He micromanaged Lil Bit’s life. She wasn’t allowed to be late. She wasn’t allowed to miss his calls, or not respond to his texts if she wasn’t in class or practice. 

And what made things worse was that he claimed he loved her. 

The more I fell in love with her. The more I hated Park Jimin.

 

 

I sat outside, back leaned up against the building. Practice was really tough. There wasn’t much time left for our big end of the year recital and our teachers decided to change things up on us; making all of us work double time to learn the new dance moves. 

I was about to get back up and make my way inside, but I halted as I heard Lil Bit’s voice. I stayed close to the building and very slowly peeked around the corner. She was talking with Jimin. 

But why was he here?

Most of the time he only showed up to pick her up in the parking lot; never during our practices.

“Jimin, stop, I already told you it can’t be helped. The teachers changed the choreography and we all have to work extra time to even learn everything and then apply it to the first dance.”

He scoffed, “They’re idiots. This whole school is just ridiculous.”

I felt my hands ball up into fists. I wanted to so badly punch the shit out of him. From what I could tell, he was shorter than me, and didn’t have as much muscle. He’d probably go down in one hit.

“Take that back!”

“Tsk, make me,” he smirked, taking a step closer to her and backing her up against the wall.

“Stop, I’m not in the mood right now,” she said blowing her bangs out of her face and crossing her arms across her chest. 

“Does that really matter? Hm?”

I saw her head tilt down as he got closer to her, his head to her side. Was he kissing her cheek? I think he was whispering in her ear, because she started giggling. She pushed him away teasingly and he smiled at her, grabbing her hand and interlocking their fingers.

How did he have this power over her?

He leaned down and started kissing her. I could so clearly hear the smacking of their lips, and the soft moans escaping her mouth. My breathing quickened and I could feel myself getting turned on just by the noises that was coming from around the corner.

I turned and started running away.

I really hated myself. 

It wasn’t me that she looked at. It wasn’t me kissing her. Making her cry. And then making her happy again. None of it was me. It was him. She wanted him. 

She wanted someone who was everything I was not.

 

One night, a week or so after I overheard them outside, it was just me and her practicing alone. We were the leads in the recital and had the most complicated choreography. So needless to say, we had to spend extra hours just to perfect it. And I wasn’t that easy of a partner. I was a bit OCD about every lift, every touch, every step.

She sat back hard on her butt, chest heaving up and down, out of breath, “Jungkook can’t we please take a break? I feel like my legs are like jello!”

Hands on my hips, my own breath gone, sweat pouring down my head and making a stain on my back, “......Just a quick break then.”

She smiled happily, and I swooned for it, “Yay~ Jungkookie isn’t such a meanie~”

“H-Hey!”

She giggled relentlessly. But I knew just how to get back at her. I smirked and casually made my way to sit next to her. My body was more tired than I thought as I hit the ground pretty hard.

“Just watch yourself…. Lil Bit,” my voice coy, licking my lips, and putting my weight on my hands behind my back.

I was expecting her to somewhat yell at me, complain to take it back, maybe even hit me teasingly on the arm. But she remained quiet. Her head was down as she rubbed her thighs.

“.....What’s-”

“You know…. Jungkook…,” her voice much too soft and weak for my liking, “You’re such an amazing guy.”

I gulped, feeling my adam’s apple drop, my pulse quickening and my body tensing. I froze as she continued to talk.

“You’re such a hard worker, you take everything so seriously. It’s always one hundred ten percent with you and every day you’re smiling and laughing because you get to work so hard on dance. I can see just how much you love dancing and it really motivates me to keep doing my best.”

She finally looked up and we locked eyes.

Her smile was soft and natural, and it was the first time I could say that she was smiling because of me. She was smiling for me.

“Jungkook, thank you so much for being you.”

Before I knew it, I was pouring my heart out. I couldn’t stop myself. Even if my thoughts screamed, my mind going crazy, I couldn’t stop.

“I’m so in love with you. I’ve been in love with you. As the days went on I realized just how much of an impact you had on me. I was lowering all my defences and I didn’t even know why. Somehow you had that power over me and I loved it. I love it. You’re so funny, cute, silly, stubborn, hard headed, clumsy, beautiful… everything. And someone as amazing as you didn’t look at me like the other girls. They only saw me as some cute guy or whatever, always snickering and giggling behind my back; always whispering. But you never looked at me differently. You always looked at me straight on and treated me like I wasn’t some godly person or something. Because I’m not. I’m so far from it. And I just… I just love you so much. And it hurts so much that you’re with him. He’s such a jerk and…..”

The way her eyes darkened as I brought Park Jimin up, made my words drift off into nothingness. 

I just fucked up.

I turned my head away, my face heating up from humiliation, “J-Just forget everything I said.”

“No. No I won’t. Thank you for saying all that.”

I gained a little bit of courage to slowly glance her way. She wasn’t mad, she wasn’t shocked or repulsed. She honestly looked happy that I just confessed to her. I turned my body to face her and grabbed her hand in mine.

“I know it’s unfair of me to ask this... But… why do you stay with him? You’d be happier with me…”

I could feel her hand shaking in mine. I did my best to comfort her, rubbing my fingers in circles across her palm and wrist. It seemed to help a little, but I could tell she was still upset.

“Jimin… Park Jimin is a pitiful being.”

I didn’t mean to let out a laugh, but I did. I bit my lip hard, knowing I should keep quiet to keep from making things worse.

“He is. He really is.” She sighed and I could tell she was thinking about him, or maybe a past conversation they might have had. “To the world he’s Park Jimin, heir to one of the largest fortunes in Korea. But to me, he’s just…. Jimin, my boyfriend. He’s so weak. He’s so lonely. And I’m all he has.”

“But… how is that possible? Isn’t he surrounded by tons of people every day?”

“It’s not about being surrounded by people Jungkook. Even in a sea of faces, you can feel lonely.” She finally removed her hand from mine and started playing with the hem of her loose sweatshirt. “When he was just a kid, he found his father sleeping with someone who wasn’t his mother. Later on he found out that his mother didn’t care, she wouldn’t divorce his father because she wanted to keep living the lie that they were a perfect powerhouse couple. She wanted the fame and the money. Inside their house, it was empty. He was always alone. And…. And eventually his father started beating him. Telling him to stop crying. He’d lock him up and not feed him for days. It must have been so horrible for him.”

“What…..?”

“So you see, I can’t just leave him. I love him. I love him with everything that I am.” Her eyes never looked so warm and glazed over, almost as if she was in a trance, “He needs me.”

“Even though he treats you like shit?”

I could feel my blood boiling. 

“Stop this.”

“Just because he had a tough childhood, doesn’t excuse him for the way he treats you. Don’t you see just how much control he has over you?”

“Stop it….”

“You can’t even take a piss without his say so!”

“SHUT UP!”

I gripped my sweats so hard, that the fabric was starting to tear. I regretted what I just said, but I could never lie to her.

She cried in her hands. It was so loud in my ears. I wanted to reach out and comfort her, but I was the reason why she was shaking, why she was balling her eyes out. Everything that I hated about Park Jimin, I was now doing to her. I was causing her pain.

I never wanted to cause her pain.

I slowly stood up, “I’m… I’m sorry….”

She quickly reached out for my hand. I froze. 

“Jungkook….. It’s true… everything… he’s a terrible person…but I still… I don’t know. I just….”

I quickly kneeled down by her and pulled her into my arms. I didn’t care anymore. I needed to touch her, comfort her, make her feel safe. 

“I’m sorry for what I said, but I could never lie to you. It kills me every time I see you with him. But… But I know you love him, despite what he says and does. So… so just know that I’ll always be here for you. Not as your dance partner, not as a classmate. But as Jungkook. Me. I’m here. Always.”

She grabbed the front of my shirt and cried into my chest. 

All I could do was hold her softly in my lap and stroke her back. She felt so small in my arms. And I wanted nothing more than to just be her everything. 

I wasn’t. 

But this was the next best thing. 

I’d do it for her. I’d lock my feelings away, for her. Always. 

 

 

Our recital went off without a hitch. Every twist and spin was on point and we nailed all of it. The perfect ending to a perfect year. 

But the whispers started pouring in. Park Jimin was here with a giant bouquet of roses. He was here for her. 

I drank a whole bottle of water, trying anything to cool my nerves. She said she wanted to introduce us. She said to be nice to him. She said he could be off putting. 

I needed more water.

 

Sure enough when he entered the back prep rooms he didn't spare me a glance. He saw nothing but her. His stride, the way he carried himself was beautiful, for a lack of a better word. If I didn't know any better, I'd say he'd be a good dancer. 

“Well I know this is a little late, but Jimin this is my dance partner Jungkook. And this is my teacher Son Sungdeok.”

I reached out my hand to shake his, but he barely gave me a glance. I tightened my fist behind my back, my control giving way to anger. But I had to do this for her. 

I made small talk with our teacher before I could no longer stand being in the same room as him. The way he kept a hold on her waist, or interrupted her to voice his own opinion, even the way he grinned and smiled at her was something that pissed me off. 

I left as fast as I could. But I didn't get far. I felt I needed to be close. I remained in the hallway outside of the room, pretending like I needed more water. 

A few scouts were talking to my teacher. I vaguely heard them talking about how much potential I had, or how much Lil Bit could shine on the world stage. 

For a short second I could see it. Both of us on stage, dancing, working hard together. We could see the world together, experience new things. Have memories together. Maybe we could share an apartment together, but never end up using it because we'd always be traveling. It felt amazing thinking of a future like that.

But reality set in as I started hearing her yelling. 

“Jimin! Don't talk about my friends like that! You don’t even know him!”

Was she talking about me?

“Why are you defending him, huh?! You got something to tell me?!”

“What are you trying to say? Huh?! Do you think I'm cheating?” 

“Maybe you are, maybe you aren’t. But the way you look at him is different from the way you look at me…”

She looks at me differently? How?

I closed my eyes and could only see her smiling at me. Nothing different from the usual. But then again, anything Park Jimin saw and thought wasn't normal. I had no idea what he was talking about.

I stepped closer to the closed door and did my best to listen. I didn't even care if I was obvious about it. 

My body felt heavy as I heard her crying.

“Jimin…. Baby…. You know I love you right? I’m not cheating on you with him…”

I really should have left earlier. 

Again I heard them making out and moaning. More and more she begged for him to touch her, to kiss her. She sounded so desperate. 

I stormed away, finding myself in the bathroom. I quickly locked the door and stood in front of the sink. I stared at my reflection. I couldn't recognize the person staring back at me. I felt so hot. I felt so angry. But the heat in my groin was too much too handle. 

“........”

I closed my eyes as I replayed the sounds of her moaning; the sounds of her lips. I imagined kissing those soft lips, kissing down her neck. Feeling her supple skin against my fingers.

Slowly my hand drifted down under my pants and in my boxers. I needed release. I needed to get rid of all this frustration. I gripped the sink tightly, bending my body over slightly. I knew exactly how to get myself there, and I wanted to get there. I got lost in the pleasure of my own hand, imagining it was her.

Faster and faster.

She was moaning my name, begging for me. Wanting me to give her pleasure. I wanted to touch her so badly. I wanted her to want me. And so easy it was to imagine her here in the bathroom with me. Hoisting her up against the sink, thighs wide, mouth hanging open with dirty words dripping out between each breath. She’d squeeze my arms trying to hold on tight as I fucked her hard.

“Jungkook…” 

The sensation of her whispering my name in my ear sent me overboard. And my mind so easily made her voice sound real. I was cumming in my hand, spilling over into my boxers. I tugged a few more times, fully getting my whole satisfaction.

Slowly I pulled my hand out. I felt empty inside as I washed my hands, letting the hot water run over my skin until my hands ran red. 

I pushed my body up against the door And slid down, I really didn't have the energy to keep standing. I stared at the wall, analyzing the specks of white paint peeling off. I felt so hollow. I pulled my legs up, propping my elbows on my knees as I covered my sweaty face with my hands.

But it wasn't sweat. 

It was tears. I was crying so hard. Doing my best to stifle my agony, the pain, the humiliation, the wanting.

I’m such a fool.

 

I really couldn't face her. Not after masterbating to her in the bathroom. I was too embarrassed, too humiliated at my own weakness. But it wasn't all that hard to avoid her. 

She was showing up late. I'd make excuses and hide until practice was starting. And it just continued that way for a couple of weeks.

As graduates, we really didn't have to come if we didn't want too, no longer slaves to our teacher's schedules. But a lot of the time, the graduates always came back to practice anyways. We were all passionate. So I found it strange that she wasn't here.

Even if I was avoiding her, I couldn't deny that I wanted to see her. Where was she?

But I got my answer. 

She bowed at being tardy, getting a nice pinch to her cheek from the teacher. 

“Where have you been?”

She started stretching while she held the conversation, “I've been moving and I finally got all my stuff boxed up and in my new place.” 

The teacher grinned and nudged her, “Don't tell me you and that stud of a boyfriend got a place?” 

She giggled slightly, “More like I'm moving into his place.” 

I saw her sneak a glance my way. I was already staring at her, and figured I wouldn't hide it. I continued to watch her as she finished her conversation. She took a deep breath and cheered herself on; so adorable.

She turned with a smile and walked up to me, pinching my side teasingly, “Hey stranger.”

“Hey Bit.”

She looked really happy. I was feeling happy.

“So um, you haven't been avoiding me, right?”

I stretched my arms, giving me an excuse to look away, “What are you talking about weirdo?”

“Ah! You're looking away!” She shuffled to be in front of my eyes and stuck her finger in my face and pouted, “You were, weren't you!” 

“Yah, cut it out,” I said with my best annoyed voice; failing miserably as I chuckled.

She giggled and gave me a quick hug, “Don't avoid me ok? I don't know what I'd do without you.” 

So easily could she tug at my heart. And so easily was I ready to give it my all again. 

I wasn't ready to give up on her. 

 

 

\-----------------

 

 

“Wow Jungkook, that's beautiful. Who is she?”

I stared at the portrait. I didn't want to say. I kept painting in silence, clueing in the counselor to leave me alone. She knew already that if I wanted to talk, I'd initiate the conversation. Maybe she thought she could try, seeing as I was finally painting something other than crows, butterflies, and sunsets. 

It was a year now. Her anniversary.

I felt I had to give her something. And the only thing I enjoyed now was painting, so why not give her a portrait?

It was good seeing her face again. 

But the canvas wasn't able to give me what I really wanted. 

I slowly touched the rough fabric, the paint already dry and clinging; my fingers on her lips. Rosy red. 

“I miss you.”

I leaned down and kissed the sad excuse of a portrait; getting nowhere close to how beautiful she actually was. 

 

 

\--------------------

 

My finger tapped rapidly on my steering wheel as I waited for the red light to turn. My eyes glued to the light, and once it was green I pushed my foot down hard. 

Just minutes ago I got a call from her. She was crying. All she could say was my name. My heart shattered like glass. 

I told her to go to the dance studio and wait for me. And now I couldn't get there any faster without breaking the law and speeding. 

As I got to the studio, I ran to the back room. I knew she'd be in that one, it was her favorite. 

“Bit?”

I opened the door and looked around. She looked so helpless, curled up in a ball behind the piano. 

She slowly lifted her head, her face stained with tears, “Jungkook….” 

“What happened? What's wrong?” 

I was by her side in a second, putting my arm around her to make her feel safe. She leaned against me, seeking out my warmth that I was so readily willing to give her.

I rubbed her arm, “..... Is it Jimin?”

She nodded.

“Did he hurt you?”

She shook her head.

“Did you fight?”

“.....today is our one year anniversary.”

My heart sank. Had they really been together that long? Had she really put up with his shit for that long? 

Her phone started vibrating. It wouldn't stop. 

I swallowed my pride and my pain, “Isn't it a good thing? One year is a long time.”

“But…. I'm not so sure. This morning when I woke up I looked around and I just suddenly felt so scared.”

“Why?”

“Because I could see a future that I didn't want. I was in a place that wasn't home. I was just there. It felt like suddenly life was passing me by and I stood still, lost. I was so scared.” 

“But, isn't this what you wanted?”

“I've been living with him but it just feels like I'm living for him.”

I was scared at the answer she would give me, “Do you still love him?”

“.....I don't know.” She bit her lip, a sad look in her eyes, “....no.”

“Have you tried talking to him?”

“He wouldn't listen to me. He’d just make up some excuse or…. I just can't.” 

I could feel her shaking. And all I could do was hold her.

Again her phone vibrated. Then it rang. It was him. 

“He called me again….”

“You shouldn’t have to be so scared of him. Be honest with him and tell him you want to break up.”

“But… he’s not always so bad. It’s just… lately…. I think he’s just gotten worse. The jealousy and the dominance he has, his insecurities and ego….” 

She leaned in close again, grabbing my sleeve. 

“Jungkook…. I’m just so glad I have you in my life. You’ve always taken good care of me.”

“Always.”

The door bangged opened, making the both of us jump. Her body twitched and her eyes wide. I followed her gaze, and in the reflection of the mirrors I saw him.

“Jimin…” she wept.

I hurried to stand up and get in front of her. On instinct I felt like I needed to protect her. The way his eyes glossed over, the way his body pulsed, the way he ran his hand through his hair…. I could feel a dangerous aura, deadly.

I could hear her stand up behind me, but I held my arm out a bit to keep her shielded. 

“Jimin, listen, she needs to talk to you but-”

He ignored me. It was as if i wasn't even there, “Jagiya. What are you doing? Come here.”

The way his voice echoed in the room sent chills down my spine. I was on edge. My instincts told me to not trust him. To just take her and run away. 

“Jimin… I'm sorry I missed our dinner… But… It's really important that you know…”

“Don't do this.”

She was crying and I could feel her pull at my shirt, trying to gain the courage she needed. “I'm so sorry. I don't want this any more. I don't want to be with you any more.”

Jimin’s head rolled around slowly as if he was stretching his neck, I could see his veins popping out. I got in a defensive position as he popped his fingers and tensed his body.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about. Now, If you don't come here by the time I count to three…”

“NO! I'm not some puppet you can command! I'm not just a toy! You've always treated me that way! That's not love!”

“One.”

She cried, her voice shaking, “Jimin I'm sorry! I don't love you any more. I… I can't be the girl you think I am!” 

“Two.” 

“....we're through! This is me breaking up with you. Me! I don't want you any more! S-so leave me alone!” 

I gulped.

The air was thick with emotion. A poison filled the room that seemed to emanate from Jimin. Suddenly we were in the lion's den, two sheep lost, in the wrong place at the wrong time. We were in danger. 

Our lives were in danger.

“Three.”

 

I'd like to say that I put up a good fight. 

I'd like to say that I knocked him out senseless.

I'd like to say they broke up.

And I'd like to say that we could be together.

But I couldn't…

 

He came at me so fast. And my only thought wasn't to protect myself but to protect her. 

He threw a quick jab my way which I easily dodged, but with the way she was behind me, I wasn't able to dodge the uppercut. It landed hard into my stomach. I underestimated his strength. He may not have looked it, but he was strong.

I stayed grounded in place, throwing in a few of my own punches, able to hit him a couple times in the jaw and on his arm. But it didn’t look like it phased him much. He was running on too much adrenaline to really feel anything but the satisfaction of beating the shit out of me.

I doubled over, doing my best to remain standing, remain in between her and him. I managed to keep my fists up and block a few of his punches, but a couple slipped by. A jab to my kidney. A jab to my face. I spat some blood out, a tooth loose in my mouth.

Her screaming was close to ear piercing, “JIMIN!!! STOP!!!!”

“AND WHY SHOULD I?!”

I was able to kick his legs out from under him making him crash to the ground. As quickly as I could manage, I grabbed her hand and tried making a run for it. 

Jimin scratched at the ground, barely catching her foot. She fell forward into me, making me crash into the wall of mirrors. My head hit the wall hard and shattered some of the glass. 

My head was pounding. My chest was in so much pain. I could barely breathe. 

But my eyes focused on her. Her panicked eyes. Her nails digging into his bare arm. She was locked in close to his body, his arm barely giving her any room to breathe. Her feet inches off the ground.

“Let her go! Please! I’ll do anything,” I begged with a croaked voice.

“Ohhh you’ll do anything, huh?” His eyes were wild and manic, “HUH?! Then get the fuck on your knees!! DO IT!!!”

I took a step forward, and fell to the ground. The impact hurt my ribs, they had to be broken. But in the moment all my senses were tuned to her. I had to do anything to save her.

“Ahhh look at you…. So willing to grovel for her.” He inhaled deeply, eyes closing as if he was getting off on the moment. But his eyes opened as he brushed his lips against her ear, “What should we have him do Jagiya? Can you think of anything?”

The only noise she could manage to make was hitched squeaks. She did the best she could to try and stay on her tiptoes, trying her best to hold on to his arm so she could breathe. 

He chuckled and smiled happily, “OH baby that’s such a good idea!” But his smile disappeared and he grinned, his eyes glaring into mine, “Lick my shoe.”

“....n-no….” she tried to say, begging.

With every breath it felt like someone was digging a knife into my chest. As much as I wanted to stay in the moment, my body was giving way to the pain. 

I looked into her eyes. And she looked into mine. The both of us knew I’d do anything for her. 

She cried.

I tightened my jaw as I got down on all fours and crawled over to them. His manic high pitched screech of a laugh was the only thing I could hear as the sight of his shoes got closer and closer.

“Pathetic.”

His foot came up swiftly kicking me right in the head. My body was thrown to the side and I wasn’t able to move. 

Move. MOVE DAMMIT! 

But my body was done.

I tried to turn my head towards the sounds of her screaming. There was a loud crash in the mirrors again and her screaming halted. She choked and cried out in agony. It looked like he had her pinned to the ground. It looked like he was on top of her. I couldn’t tell, it was getting so fuzzy. It was getting dark. My eyes were so heavy. 

All I could manage to do, was involuntarily listen to the sickening things he was saying to her, doing to her.

“Jungkook… please help me...”

“You dare to say his name?! When I’m right here?!” He slapped her hard across the face, “JUST HOW GOOD WAS HE, HUH?! YOU FUCKING SLUT!”

I heard her screaming, begging for him to stop. She did her best to fight him, do anything to get him off of her. But he overpowered her easily. With every slap her crying got weaker. With every tear of her clothes she lost power. Her screaming was turned into the weakest croaks, spit getting caught in her throat.

He started crying hysterically as he put his hands on her neck, “WHY!? I LOVED YOU! I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING!!!!” His spit was spilling out of his mouth as he tightened his grip.

“Jung….kook…..” 

He dug his thumbs in tighter and put all his force down on his hands, “It’s ok Jagiya…. You don’t have to worry anymore. You’ll always be mine.” His grip loosened as her hands fell, her body still. He touched her bloodied face gently and whispered, “I love you.”

He closed her eyelids and fixed her blood stained hair to lay nicely around her bruised face. 

“I’ll always love you Jagiya.”

 

I wish he had just killed me.

I wish the fire would have consumed me.

I wish I could have saved her.

 

\------------------

 

 

My portrait was finished. She stared at me through the painting as I lay in bed. My counselor was nice enough to let me keep it in my room. But in all reality I hated it. I hated the stupid portrait. I hated the colors, how big it was, the simplicity in it.

She wasn’t simple. She was complex, lovely, an enigma. My own personal source to a feeling I thought I was lost too. Love. All colors became bright. My body was so light. My world forever changed. 

But today my world wasn’t peaceful. My body was so heavy and listless. All colors were dull and boring.

Would her family and friends be at her grave? Would they be giving her lush flowers? Saying how they miss her? 

I was tired. So tired. I wanted to sleep. Even though I knew only fire and death would be waiting for me in my nightmares; my eyelids closed, no longer able to stay awake for another day.

 

 

They said I was making a lot of progress.

They said that I was really talented with art.

They said that the nightmares would go away eventually. 

They said it wasn’t my fault.

 

But they were wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you think? i love backstory! but T_T poor kook! why can't anyone seem to be happy?! haha i swear i'm not this dark and depressing in person hahahaha  
> So anyways, the good news i was talking about.....I PLAN ON MAKING A PART 3 and continuing with Doc and Jimin's story! most of yall were begging for it and besides, I really wanna know how the Doc and Jimin's relationship will progress as well! (don't worry i didn't feel forced or anything! lol) And since I've decided to make this a series, i've added chapter titles and added some new tags as well!  
> SO YAY!!! look forward to it ok? ^^  
> And on a serious note, all of yall have been SO AMAZING! i've gotten so much love and support, i honestly teared up. Yall are fantastic, I'm a lucky writer! Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart!  
> Bye bye Please Be Happy! - Miya


	3. No Turning Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. 
> 
> And if you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you.

It was another three days until I finally felt close enough to 100%. My throat still hurt, the bandages still remained on my neck. But at least the pounding in my head was gone. I was cleared to leave the institute’s clinic. And Kim Seokjin being the most amazing boss ever, gave me paid sick leave to finish out the week and come back fresh on Monday.

But now that I thought about it, what was I supposed to do with myself?

As I got back to my dingy one bedroom apartment, I realized that I just wanted to be at work. 

I sat down on my little grey love seat and curled my legs under my body. 

I never realized it until just now that I had been going and going with no breaks. After highschool, I knew that I wanted to become a therapist. I was so fascinated with psychology and the workings of the mind. Plus with my natural love to help people, I knew I’d be happy in that field.

I studied my ass off for 8 years, gaining both my bachelor's degree and PhD, by some miracle. With work and schooling going side by side, I started out as just an assistant in a small hospital that helped with troubled teens. Did a couple years at a shelter. And then slowly I’ve made my way up to one of the top therapists for Kim Seokjin Institute. 

I was proud of how far I’d gotten on my own.

But now that I was just sitting here alone in my quiet apartment, I felt a little lost. 

The silence of my apartment was deafening. I crossed my arms and dazed off. 

At this point, some of my old friends were already married and had children. They had lovely homes, happy dinners, and a peaceful life. Yet in my case, I slaved away to get where I am. But what did I really have to show for it? I was single, with close to zero chances of dating right now. No children, no house, not even a pet or some plants. I was always too busy with school and work to have time for anything else.

“......”

Coming a bit out of my daze, I stared down at my messy coffee table filled with nothing but research papers, books, scribbled notebooks, sticky notes, and client records. Feeling like I needed to, for some reason, I tiptoed my way to the floor and started organizing my mess. To a stranger’s eye it was chaos, but to me it was just messy organization. I knew that the papers in the top right corner were client records that I needed to file, the sticky notes were reminders to help me eat, get water, and sleep, and the folders sitting on the edge of the table were copies for my coworkers.

I sighed, “Get your shit together will you?”

After about fifteen minutes of cleaning and putting things back on my desk where they belonged, I was finally done. Only one folder remained and it was of Park Jimin.

Slowly I reached out for his folder. As I touched the paper clip that kept it closed, I had a flashback of his bloodshot eyes glaring into mine. The cold feel of the paper clip reminded me of the pen digging into my neck. If I didn’t know any better, I was reacting like someone with PTSD.

Instinctively I reached up to my bandaged neck. It almost felt like it was burning. But I knew better. I knew it was just my mind playing tricks on me. It had to be. I wasn’t some helpless girl. I wasn’t a patient with problems.

I took a deep breath.

The quickest way to lose control of your reality was to get lost in your thoughts. If you closed your mind, only letting in the chaos and negativity, you’d never be able to find your way out. And in my line of work, it was so easy to do just that.

He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And if you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you.

 

Park Jimin was just that. An abyss. 

I felt a boil bubbling up in my chest. I almost felt threatened, I felt challenged. If he was an abyss, then I knew I could stare into the pit, the darkness of his heart, and be ok. I knew I could do it. I wanted to take up this challenge called Park Jimin.

And I could feel myself wanting to cure him. I didn’t want him to just waste away in our institute. There had to be a source of his pain, to his madness. I quickly got up and grabbed my tote bag that had the rest of Park Jimin’s files, and my own notepad from our session just a few days ago. 

I re-read over my notes and analysis of him.

Needs control. Egotistical. Thrives on attention. Subject to mania. Possible type one bipolar disorder. Violent. Where does his psychological trauma stem from? His control over his ex, his control over women; possibly a disconnection with his mother. Has brought up roses on multiple of times - associates blood and violence and his control with the flower. Abnormal views on beauty deriving from his own self image.

I sighed as I didn’t have much else written down. I didn’t need to remember the events that kept me from writing more. 

I closed the folder and bit on my thumb lightly as I thought. Park Jimin. Park Jimin. 

Why now? Why choose to speak up now? 

He was admitted to the institute just a little over a year ago, according to our records. And in the whole year of being a patient, he kept to himself. Well, besides the fights he had with other patients, leaving most of them with broken limbs and taking refuge in the medical clinic. 

Other than that, he was quiet. 

So, what made him want to talk?

I looked at my notepad once again and examined the date. Maybe the date had something to do with it? Was it something to do with his family? Or the more likely scenario, it had to do with his ex. 

I shot up and hurried to my closet to find a decent set of clothes to change into - jeans, a button up, and my favorite old military jacket I found at a thrift store. I tied my hair up in a ponytail as I grabbed my keys and tote bag and left my apartment. 

I wanted to get to the bottom of this.  
I don’t know why. But I did.

 

I holed up in one of the cubbies in the public library, going over public records for any and all news that happened on the same date. And sure enough I found it. 

Last year.

I touched the screen where a cute young girl’s picture hovered just under an article titled: Beloved Dance Studio Burned to Ground, Body Found in Wreckage.

I sighed, she deserved so much more.

I skimmed over the part about the dance studio, how long the building had been there, and how much of an impact it had on it’s teachers and students. I read more slowly as I got to the part about the girl. 

There was a lot as far as detailing who she was, how much she loved to dance, how good of a student she was, how many friends she had; so on and so forth. But as far as the investigation itself on the arson and her death, there wasn’t much. There was only a small paragraph.

Apparently the authorities investigated the fire and deemed it, and the girl’s death, an accident. There was a Jeon Jungkook at the scene of the crime as well, but was dragged out by his teacher before the building collapsed to the flames. Jeon Jungkook had broken ribs, a broken nose, a bad contusion on his head, and a lot of brusing on his body. The authorities interviewed Jeon Jungkook, their teacher, as well as Park Jimin but nothing came of it. Without much to go on, they labeled her death an accident.

My gut told me that money had a lot to do with a cover up. That had to be it. 

If Jimin had killed her and set fire to the place, not caring if he killed Jeon Jungkook in the process, there had to be evidence of it. If their teacher came in and saved Jeon Jungkook, he just had to see her corpse. But if he didn’t say anything to the authorities, of course there’d be nothing to go on. 

I wrote down Jeon Jungkook in my notepad, the girl's name and location of where she was buried, their teacher's name, and the name of the dance studio. 

Opening a new tab I typed in Jeon Jungkook.

His social media accounts showed up, as well as his public record of schooling. He was a graduate at the local college, majoring in modern dance. He seemed to have been a top student that most scouts had their eye on. But any and all record of his activity ceased to exist after the events at the studio. Not surprising.

If I had to guess, he witnessed Jimin killing his ex. That’d damage anyone. 

And if he was damaged, he’d probably end up in a hospital somewhere. 

“Kim Hospital…”

That’s where he had to be. His family had moderate income, according to the article and from what I could tell from his SNS. So if they wanted to help their son, Kim Hospital was close enough, and affordable enough to take him. And I was lucky enough that I was a former employee. I’d be able to get access to files if I wished, or more like, sweet talk my way with my old friend to get the access. 

That was step one. Finding out more about this Jeon Jungkook, and try and talk to him personally. Maybe if I found out more about him I could find out more about Jimin’s ex. See how Jungkook saw her and Jimin’s relationship.

Second was seeking out Son Sungdeuk, and see if I could get any information on the dynamics of her and Jungkook’s relationship. Maybe even see if I could get him to admit that he lied to the police. Though that was highly improbable. 

Third, I would try and get more information of Park Jimin himself, and his family life. But seeing as his family was wealthy beyond compare, and had plenty of money and walls guarding their secrets, I probably wouldn’t be able to get far on that one without talking to Park Jimin himself. 

I wanted to try and avoid that. I wasn’t quite ready to see him again. At least, not until Monday.

With this new found mission, I packed up my things and headed for Kim Hospital. 

 

“Why~ If it isn’t good ol’ little worker bee~”

“Hey Namjoon,” I said with a bit of defeat in my voice.

My old coworker was a bit of an eccentric, hopeless, too-smart-for-his-own-good type of guy who loved people. Just like me, he loved helping others and helping them find peace. His heart was made of gold and steel, letting nothing but motivation and a drive to see other’s success take him through his days. 

I tapped his nametag, whistling under my breath, “Wow, so you’re head director now? Congrats.” 

“Aw, thanks Bee.”

“No problem Bear~” I said with a wink, a bit embarrassed calling him that old nickname from so long ago.

He opened his arms wide with a big grin, giving me his signature bear hug that made me give him the nickname in the first place, “So how have you been? Have you lost weight? You look amazing!”

“Is this considered harassment or…” I teased.

But his face was serious in a second, “What’s with the bandages?”

Shit. I had forgotten about them. I probably should have worn a scarf or something to cover it. Not that I had done anything wrong, but it was more along the lines like I didn’t want to explain how the bandages got there in the first place. 

“It’s not a big deal. I accidently scraped myself. That’s all.”

He frowned, “You know you still do that thing with your eyebrow when you lie.”

I gritted my teeth. He had pointed it out a long time ago when we were working together, and I worked to perfect it. But with him around, I was quick to lower my defenses.

I sighed, “Ok ok… but I can’t say it here. And besides, I came for some, um, help. Can we talk in your office?”

He put his arm around my shoulder, “Come with me into the batcave~”

“You’re such a nerd.”

“You know you love it,” he said was a sly smirk.

 

He input the code and scanned his thumb before letting us in. With the close of the door he walked over to his desk and sat down, gesturing for me to do the same, “So, what’s up? Why after all this time have you come back here?”

“Well, it ties in with how I got these bandages….”

“Ok…?”

I was a little nervous, “Well, I got a new patient and he um, he kinda attacked me.”

“He what?!”

“SHHHH!!!”

He cleared his throat and whispered loudly, “He what? Who does that?”

I rolled my eyes, “There’s a lot of patients in that place who would do that. And my patient just so happens to be one of them. Though I think he just has a warped sense of control and type one bipolar disorder. Which probably stems from trauma. But anyways, in the end the guards tranquilized him and I’m ok.”

He didn’t realize he was leaned over his desk until he was sitting back, a bit more relaxed, “Man, those high institutions are no joke. Tranquilizers?”

I nodded, “Yes, so anyways. Because he’s been put under my care I wanted to do a little research on him. And after digging around a bit, I winded up here.” I bit my lip, hoping my gut was right, “I guess this is more or less a shot in the dark, but… Do you happen to have files on a boy called Jeon Jungkook?”

His jaw tightened and his lips pressed hard into a line. For a second I thought he was gonna cuss me out and send me packing. He looked so intimidating, the complete opposite of his usual demeanor.

“Bee, you’re treading dangerous waters.”

“What do you mean?”

“Listen,” he said as he laced his fingers together over his lap, “And listen well. You shouldn’t go poking your nose into things that could get you hurt.”

For some reason I was starting to feel really defensive, I sat up straighter, “Namjoon, I’m not some kid playing detective. I’m doing this for my job, because I’m a professional.”

“And you’re sure it’s nothing else?”

“What are you trying to say?”

“Nothing. I’m just worried about you,” he said more softly.

I sighed, my voice sharper than I meant it to be, “I can take care of myself.”

His eyes were gentle, making me feel a little guilty at the way I was talking to him.

“Yeah I remember. You didn’t need me.”

“Namjoon… look, about us-”

He stood up quickly, making me jolt in the chair. He wasn't in the mood to bring up old feelings and old flings. He reached over to his bookshelf and started strumming through the files. After a few moments he pulled out a thick folder. 

“If I wasn’t the director, there’d be no way you’d get your hands on this,” he said as he handed me the folder.

“Thank you Namjoon, really.”

I opened it up and started reading through the file. Namjoon was nice enough to get me a cup of coffee and lend me his desk, knowing I’d take my time and go through everything. He still had a job to do, so he left me alone in his office. I was kinda happy I had the office to myself. It felt a little weird going through the file while he was there. 

I wasn’t doing anything wrong though...

 

After an hour of reading his profile, going over the therapy records, and taking down my own notes, I finally stretched my arms and relaxed a bit. I got all the information I needed. But the most intriguing thing to me was the fact that Jungkook was still here in the hospital. I knew for a fact Namjoon wouldn’t let me talk with him. So it only left me the option of sneaking around and finding Jungkook for myself.

I left the file on his desk and made my way out. I was careful to not look out of place. It did help though that most of the staff saw me talking to Namjoon upon my arrival. So most of them just smiled or nodded my way when in passing. 

According to the record Jungkook took up art as his hobby; his way of coping. So I was hoping I’d find him in the art room. Unfortunately as I finally found my way to the room, it was empty. I sighed, I really wanted to talk to him.

As I turned to leave I hit something extremely hard, making my nose throb in pain.

“Ow! Shit, shit, that hurt!”

I looked up. Jungkook.

Jungkook was almost as tall as Namjoon. But didn’t have the same body type. In the pictures I saw from the article, featuring him and Jimin’s ex from their recital, he looked a lot bigger and healthier. But the boy who stood in front of me now was completely different. No longer were his muscles defined, no longer his eyes shining, no longer a smile on his face.

“Umm….”

He ignored me and started heading to the cabinet on the far end of the room. He pulled out a set of paints, brushes, an easel, and an empty canvas. I watched him as he started squeezing out a lot of red on his plastic palette. 

“Is your favorite color red?”

No response.

“What are you going to paint?”

Again, no response.

I wanted him to talk. I bit my lip, wondering if I should just leave. But I was already too far to stop now. I made up my mind, and talked with certainty, “She was really beautiful. Your dance partner I mean.”

He stopped moving his brush. And slowly he turned around to finally look at me.

“Who are you?”

His voice was a lot deeper than I expected it to be. I cleared my throat, “I’m Nam- I mean, I’m a friend of Director Kim. I used to work here.”

“Are you a counselor?”

“Yes I am.”

He turned back around to start painting again, “Go away.”

“Listen I’ll be honest, I’m here because I’m trying to help someone. And in order to help him, I need some information. What can you tell me about Park-”

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?!”

I jumped at the sound of Namjoon’s voice booming from behind me. He grabbed my arm and dragged me out of the room. His grip was firm, there wasn’t any way I’d get away from him. Opting to not struggle, I just let him drag me out the rest of the way until we were outside.

“Do you realize what you could have done to that boy by bringing up that heathen?”

“Jimin isn’t a heathen! He just needs help!”

“Do you hear yourself?! He-” 

Namjoon realized he was yelling, and the few people that were walking in and out of the hospital were looking. He grabbed my arm once more and pulled me off into the small courtyard where we could be alone.

“What’s gotten into you? Jimin is a crazy, obsessive boyfriend who got away with murder.”

My eyes went wide, “How...How do you know all this?”

“You’re not the only one who wanted answers Bee.” He sighed heavily, “When Jungkook was brought here, I was the one to interview him and give him counseling. I’m pretty fond of the kid. And… I did what we are pledged not to do; I took matters into my own hands and tried to press charges on his behalf.”

“You what?! Really?” 

He sat down on the concrete bench and sighed once more, “Yeah. I did. But I didn’t get far with it because Jimin’s family basically paid off the entire police department and his old teacher Son Sungdeuk. And yes, I tried talking to the maids or any of the staff to try and get some information, any dirt I could use, but of course they kept their lips shut. Money goes a long way. And I’ll let you know, some big guys told me to stop looking into Park Jimin; threatened to stop my prying.”

If Namjoon wasn’t able to get Jeon Jungkook’s teacher to talk, or any of the staff in the Park household to come forward, there’d be no way I could do it. I’d have to give up the idea of seeking answers from other people. I’d have to go to the source. Jimin.

I sat down next to him, defeated, “I… I’m sorry. I guess I just got a little carried away.”

He glanced my way, “You should stop this.”

“......”

“The way you’re getting involved is dangerous. You don’t need to go this far, especially for someone like Park Jimin.”

“Namjoon,” I said slowly, trying to make sure I used the right words, “I think the reason why I’m so…. Interested…. in Park Jimin is because…. I think that deep down I pity him. Trauma is what makes people seek violence.”

And the fact that I felt challenged to try and cure him, but I wasn't about to say that.

Namjoon stayed quiet, his stomach twisting in knots as I continued to talk.

“He wasn’t violent at birth. He wasn’t seeking control, he wasn’t egotistical as a child. Trauma made him that way. And I feel like it’s my job to help him work through that. I…. I want to help him.”

“.....he killed someone. Bee, listen,” he turned towards me and put both of his hands on either side of my face to make me look at him, his eyes looked worried, “You can’t help someone who isn’t worried about taking another’s life. People like him can’t be helped. Give it up. That’s another part of our job, knowing when to stop. Not everyone in the world has a good side. Some people are just born bad.”

His eyes darted back and forth as he stared into mine, doing his best to seek some compliance on my part. I reached up and put my hands on top of his, making him pull his hands away slowly. I laced my fingers with his and did my best to smile. 

“Namjoon, I’ve always admired you. You’re so strong, and you have such an amazing warmth. But even if I respect you, I don’t agree. I can’t agree. People aren’t born bad. I can cure him. I want to cure him. Because someone who smiles like him, has a good side too.” I stood up, pulling my fingers away from his as I started walking away, “I’m sorry for causing you so much trouble. I guess I haven’t changed in all this time. ….Thank you for everything.”

I softly waved goodbye to him and made my way out. He remained on the bench, a bad feeling in his stomach. 

All he could do was think of how to involved I was. How much I was investing into Park Jimin. It wasn’t healthy the way I looked obsessed. He was worried. Sad.

“And there she goes again… Out of my life…” 

He pulled out his cellphone and scrolled down until he got to Kim Seokjin.

 

I stopped by a local flower shop on the way to the columbarium that laid Jimin’s ex’s ashes to rest. I wasn’t sure what her favorite flower was, but opted for white lilies. They felt heavy in my hands as I carried them from the shop all the way to the building. I asked the attendant where I could find her ashes and he lead me to her. 

In a room called, Sunset Pointe, she was placed on the third row, second from the top. It was easy to see just how much she was missed. Flowers of all kinds of colors, vibrantly shined around her white china vase. I stepped in front of her and bowed. 

I added my lilies to the already over abundance of flowers and stood back. For a while I just stood silently and stared at the vase. It was hard to think of anything to say, so I said nothing. 

I didn’t know her. She was just a stranger to me. And yet here I was. 

She was robbed of her life. Robbed of her dreams. Robbed of her mistakes that would turn into lifelong lessons. All of it was gone. And I was the one who was trying to figure out why this all happened. I was the one who was trying to “cure” her murderer. 

“......you saw good in him, didn’t you?”

I suddenly felt the need to look away. 

“Isn’t that why you stayed with him? It was because you could see past all the bad. You could see the pain he was in.” I got the courage to look back at the vase, “What he did was inexcusable. No one should ever take another’s life. I’m not defending him. But… I think I have it in me, to help him identify his trauma and work through all his pain.”

I bowed one last time, whole heartely determined to face Jimin.

 

Come Monday morning I was dragging myself into the institute. My colleagues asked how I was feeling, made small talk as we each headed to our offices to begin our shifts. Bandages completely off now, all that remained were dark bruises on either side of my neck. I made sure to cover it up with a turtleneck. I really didn’t want anyone noticing. 

I sat down at my desk, a bit dazed as I stared at my tote bag. 

“Some people are just born bad.”

Namjoon’s words echoed throughout the rest of the weekend and I wasn’t able to ever feel comfortable. Something in it left a bad taste in my mouth. Was I too naive to think that Jimin could be cured? Or was it pride and ego that made me seek out his redemption? Either way, I realized that I had spent my entire weekend thinking about Jimin. Thinking about the damaged Jeon Jungkook. And the beautiful flowers on a grave for a beautiful girl. 

“Wow you look like shit.”

I was a little shocked at the words I was hearing from the familiar voice of Kim Seokjin, “D-Director?”

He laughed, “Sorry for the vulgar language, but you really do look like shit.”

He sat down in the chair on the other side of my desk and examined me. I was a little nervous, I could almost feel his eyes on me. 

“Um, I’m sorry, I had a tough weekend.”

“Yeah I could see that.”

“What?”

“Doing all that research on Jeon Jungkook and trying to dig into one of our patient’s past can be quite vexing. I’m sure you’re curious, but yes, Doctor Kim Namjoon and I are friends and he gave me a heads up about your little adventure.”

My eyes went wide. Namjoon that bastard. “D-Director, listen I-”

He held up his hand to silence me, and I did. I squeezed my lips shut and looked down. I could feel my eyes shaking. Was I about to lose my job? I know what I did would have been considered out of bounds for someone in my position. But didn’t he know that I was serious about my job? That I was only doing this for my job?

He sighed as he crossed his legs, “Don’t look so scared, ok?” He stared at me for a second before continuing, “What you did is grounds for termination. Not only were you seeking files from another hospital, but you almost talked to a victim about his attacker. How does any of that make sense? It’s irrational.”

“.........”

“I think you’re one hell of a therapist. Your record to date is amazing. You have the outstanding capacity to take all the bad, take all the pain that these bastards have, and try and help them. And you do, successfully. You’re a great asset to this institution.”

“Sir….” 

“But, this time I think you need a break. Park Jimin hurt you. He got under your skin. You need to step back and let someone else take over. And when the time is right, you can come back here and try again. Start over.”

No. No. No!

“No, I can do this. I’m the only one who can do this. You can’t just take away-” I was standing up now, my hands shaking at my sides.

“I can, and I am. Park Jimin is no longer under your care. Go home. Rest. Take time for yourself. I promise you’ll be better at the end of all this.”

“I already got all the rest I needed. I’m f-fine.”

“No I don’t think you are. Your demeanour is completely different. You were slouching in your chair, quick to get defensive, you can’t look me in the eyes, you’re stuttering, and you look like a complete mess. Someone who doesn’t even take the time to keep up their image, is someone going through a lot in their head. You need more time.”

My heart raced, I was scared. Why was this happening?

I stared down at my tote bag on my desk, it looked like it was spinning, “But… what about my… other patients? Only I know just how far-”

“They’re going to someone else. Don’t worry, they’ll be taken care of. We have your notes. So one of your colleagues will be able to step in and continue where you left off.”

He continued to talk about how the other therapists were more than qualified to take over. But my mind was going hazy, sound was taken over by silence. I saw his lips moving but nothing was coming out. Was time always going this slow?

He was taking away all my hard work. In a heartbeat I was suddenly robbed of my years of grunt work, years of study, and years of pain. I worked my ass off to get here and now it was all for nothing! I was the one who put up with all the shit that these kids threw at me. And I was the one who cured them. It was me! If I’m not here, who else is supposed to help them?

“Hey, are you ok?” He was waving his hand in front of my face, concern in his eyes, “You look like you’re going to pass out. Listen, I told you, when you’re past all this we can talk about you coming back and starting over. I just think that if you step away for a while you can come back in better shape.”

“You’re… you’re right. Maybe I do need some time….”

I slowly grabbed my tote bag as I started to leave. He got up as well and walked to my side, “Don’t worry about the staff either. All they’ll know is that you’re taking a vacation. And listen, if you need to talk, I’m here. Or if you don’t want to talk to me, you can go to Namjoon’s hospital, maybe seek some help there. There are a lot of good therapists out there, even for us who are therapists.” 

He tried to laugh and make light of the situation. But I was done.

That was the last straw.

I wasn’t some patient. I wasn’t like them. I didn’t need help. 

I stepped in front of him and put my hands up to make him stop walking, “I appreciate everything you’ve done for me Director. I’ll head out by myself now.”

I bowed for a few seconds before turning on my heel and leaving him at my office door. Again I could feel his eyes on my back. Or maybe that was just me being overly sensitive; paranoid. But paranoia, anger, humiliation, all of it was coursing through my body. I wasn’t planning on leaving without a fight. I had to prove it to him.

 

I got up to the guard that was standing outside of Room 107.

He looked at me curiously, “Can I help you?”

“I’m here to talk to the patient.”

“I’m sorry, but I’ve been instructed to keep him locked in his room with no visitors. If the Director says otherwise, then maybe.”

“I’m his therapist. Look, see.” I pulled out his file and shoved it in his face. 

As he fumbled with the folder in his face I swung my foot as best as I could and kicked him in his balls. His hands shot to his groin and he was hunched over in pain. His face drained of all color. I smacked his head with my tote bag, happy I had a couple of heavy books in it, making it easier to knock him out. 

I was out of breath, my pulse racing with adrenaline.

I hurried to unlock the door.

Jimin was lying on his bed with an apple in hand. The crunch of the crisp apple was loud. Or maybe it was just the fact that I was running on adrenaline now. I stared at him and he lazily turned his head to look at me. 

There was a giant bandage on his forehead, but otherwise he looked exactly the same as he was a week ago. Still handsome, still smirking, still dangerous. But I didn’t have time to be watching him as he lazily sat up and grinned at me.

“Whatcha doin’ Doc?”

“Just shut up and come here and help me,” I said as I struggled to drag the passed out guard.

It looked like he wasn’t going to help me at first. He just crossed his arms, half eaten apple in hand. But it seemed exciting enough to take up his time. He walked over and easily dragged the guard into his room.

“Here’s the plan, so listen up. You’re going to switch clothes, put him in your bed, and you're going to leave in his place. I’ll wait outside the door to make sure no one comes in. And then you’re coming with me and we’re leaving this place.”

I hurried to close the door behind me, not giving him any chance to talk back or refuse. I didn’t want to give myself a chance to think as I acted on instinct and paranoia. I crossed my arms and tapped my finger, doing my best to calm my nerves. With every moment, my heart sank. And it felt like I could hear a lot better; panicking when I thought I heard voices down the hall.

Just under five minutes, Jimin was opening the door and walking out. I gulped, feeling a strange twisting in my stomach as I realized just how different he looked in uniform. Just how handsome he was. I tore my eyes away just as he was about to make a comment. I knew he wouldn’t say anything decent. And I didn’t have the time to indulge him. To indulge my inconvenient and lusting thoughts. 

All was going to plan, until we reached the employee entrance. In my haste to try and get him out of here, I hadn’t thought about having to go through security. We all had to scan a badge in order to unlock the doors. The problem was the fact that there was always a guard on duty to verify the ID cards. 

I pulled Jimin aside, I was breathing so hard, “Ok, I’ll go first and then I’ll try and distract the guard or something.”

“Pffft. You suck at kidnapping people,” he chuckled, grinning at my on-the-spot planning. He re-adjusted the cap on his head and smirked, “If it comes down to it, I’ll just beat his ass. I hope you’re a good runner if it comes to that.”

“But-”

“Let’s go Doc.”

He started walking anyways, not caring for my opinion. I hurried to walk in front of him so I could go first. I licked my lips hastily, nervous as I scanned my ID card and nodded to the guard by the door. I stood on the other side of the metal covered glass door. I had to think of something to get the guard’s attention. Anything!

“AHHHH!!!!”

I screamed as loud as I could, peeking my eyes at the guard. As I thought, he quickly turned his head, his eyes looking worried, “Doctor, are you ok?!”

I noticed Jimin using the guard’s ID and opening the door in such a nonchalant way, no one would think he wasn’t part of security. The guard in front of me had no clue.

“I’m...I’m sorry… there was a bee! I really hate bee’s!! Ha… hahaha. .haha…..”

The guard was a bit puzzled and confused, but just nodded his head towards me, saying goodbye to me silently with his eyes.

I turned on my heel as Jimin walked by my side. His shoulders were shaking as he tried holding back his laugh. 

“Shut up….”

I unlocked my door and got in. Buckled up and started my car. 

 

 

I don’t know how long I was sitting in my car waiting. It felt like hours. I was so nervous. I was shaking. My breathing was so loud. I stared straight ahead with my hands tightly on the steering wheel. 

My heart. I could hear it thumping in my ears.

“Hey Doc, you gonna go already?” He turned his head to stare at me,“What the hell is taking so long?” 

I almost aborted this whole thing. Go back and turn myself into Kim Seokjin, tell him he was right. Get help. 

Jimin reached his hand out towards me, lightly touching my hair and running his fingers through the ends. His voice was soft, but instigating, “Already regretting your choice to kidnap me?”

I locked the doors and stepped on it. 

I didn’t have time to regret or second guess myself. I’ve already done what I’ve done; I choose this. I already knew just how much of a mistake I was making. 

I already knew just how much I fucked up.

There was no turning back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> man this was a hard chapter for me. I'm not sure if you're able to fully feel how desperate the Doctor became. Subconsciously, she equated her life and success by how far she had gotten in her career. That's the only thing that was driving her, that gave her purpose. And when it was taken away from her like that, she resorted to betraying the very guidelines that she lived by; believing that all was lost.  
> Sigh, so hard.  
> ANYWAYS! i hope ya'll enjoyed ^^ please look forward to the next chapter! It'll be from Jimin's POV~
> 
> PS. if anyone is curious~ Yes, Namjoon and the Doc tried going out for a brief period of time. (He asked her out on the spur of the moment when he was giving her a hug, and wouldn't let go because he didn't want her to see his blushing face) But because the Doc ultimately put her career over him, they separated. He doesn't blame her and always feels worried for her. Knowing just how one-sighted she could be.
> 
> Bye Bye Please Be Happy - Miya


	4. Abyss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Death is easy. Living is the hard part.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT WARNING FOR THIS CHAPTER. I'm warning you guys now that I updated the tags, so please please please be cautious when reading this chapter! if you think you can't, for fear of triggering something, then please by all means, stop reading this ff, ok? I don't want to cause any of you harm. That is the last thing I want. So PLEASE read the tags and make sure you're capable. 
> 
> Thank you.

The Doc looked panicked. She looked terrified. And her hands gripped the steering wheel so hard I thought she’d break it. But why the hell would she do any of this anyway? Was this some kind of test? Was this some kind of institute scheme? Or maybe my family paid her off to get me? Fuck if I knew.

 

I sat back and rolled down the window, happy to breathe in air that didn’t smell like some weird purifier and lemon. And it felt amazing. The way the air hit my face and blew through my hair, it was elating.

 

I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.

  
  
  


I dreamt about the Doc.

 

Her eyes. Her blood. Her body. 

 

I wanted to see her.  

 

I was lying in bed healing from the beatings that they called punishment, and there she was. Sitting next to me. She looked down at me and ran her fingertips over my stomach, bruised from the batons. I swiftly grabbed her hand and brought it to my lips. She looked so happy. I wanted to dominate her. I could feel my lips curving into a wicked grin

 

_ “Be happy Jimin.” _

 

I calmed down. I didn’t feel the greed to possess her. They way she looked at me with such warm soft eyes. She wanted me happy. No one had ever said that I deserved happiness. Not even my own mother said that to me.

 

I sat up to pull her into a hug. But as I blinked my eyes, Doc was suddenly gone. In her place was my mother. I gulped. I felt nervous. My heart was racing in my chest. I felt so weird. I felt scared.

 

_ “Jimin… oh my poor baby, did you have a nightmare? Mommy is here.” _

 

Instead of being in the institute, I was now back at my family home. The walls littered with posters of cars and girls, lush carpet, expensive tech and games, too much room for one person to reside in; I was back in my room. It was dark. I was scared. My mother came into my room. She crawled into my bed and I let her hold me tight. Only in my mother’s arms did I feel safe. I felt like the shit my father put us through, bonded us. We were connected.

 

I love my Mother. I love her so much.

  
  
  
  
  


I woke up with a jump. Throwing my arms out and looking around quickly. I breathed heavy, panicked at where I was. But I wasn't in the institute, I wasn't back home. I was still in the passenger’s seat, and Doc wasn’t next to me. I had to get control.  _ Control.. _ . We weren’t on the road. I blinked a few times and realized we were parked in front a crappy motel. I breathed out slowly for a few minutes, gaining back my senses, and getting a grip on my reality. I couldn’t seem to remember what I was dreaming about.

 

I opened the door and stretched my body. Just how long was I asleep? How far did she drive?

 

“Ughhhh how long was I asleep?”

 

“It’s been a few hours. Were just outside of Cheongju.”

 

I turned away from the motel and towards her voice. She was sitting on the trunk of her car. Her legs were crossed underneath her and she was smoking a cigarette. I didn’t peg her for a smoker, but I had to admit it intrigued me. Here she was, a highly respected therapist, looking like garbage and smoking filth.

 

I was so turned on.

 

“You smoke?”

 

She blew out a puff of smoke, “No. But I figured now is a good a time to start. Do you want one?”

 

She was so interesting. My therapist. A woman I threatened, drew blood from and tormented. And yet she wasn’t scared. She was in complete control. It was as if this was all normal.

 

“Yeah.”

 

I hopped up and sat next to her, taking the pack from her and pulling out my own cigarette. I expertly lit it and held it between my middle and index finger. I inhaled so deep, I wanted to feel that familiar sensation again. It’s been over a year since I had one and it felt so fucking good.

 

The thick cancer filling my lungs was almost as good as sex. And I missed that too.

 

I turned my head and blew my second round of smoke in her face, “So why the hit and run Doc? Have you lost your mind? Not that I care, just wanna know if I’m dealing with a crazy person.”

 

“I’m not the crazy person here. You are.”

 

I couldn’t help but laugh, taking another hit, “What are you talking about? I'm just a hopeless romantic.” He took another hit, “But at least I’m not delusional like you are.”

 

“Me?! Delusional?” The way she said it made it seem like she was accusing me of delusions. 

 

“Or do you normally just kidnap your patients, take them to motels, and give them cigarettes?”

 

She threw her almost done cigarette to the pebbled road and watched as the small fire in the paper burn out. Her eyes glossed over and her body stilled. I could tell she was lost in her thoughts.

 

“Ugh, whatever. I’m headed inside. I wanna get out of these smelly ass clothes. I swear that asshole of a guard doesn’t shower.”

 

I hopped down and didn’t wait for her to follow; tossing my own finished bud to the concrete. I opened the door in front of her car, assuming that was the motel room she rented, and I was right. I started stripping off the clothes, fully naked before I even got to the bathroom, which was repulsing. The toilet seat was broken, there were dark stains on the counter of the sink, and the mirror was broken. Would water even run out of the faucet or would it be dirt? The institute was better than this. Did I actually miss that place?

 

I took a chance and turned the knob. I waited and waited for hot water, but the hottest it got was a lukewarm. This was so infuriating. I took the shower anyway, cursing the whole time.

 

After about ten minutes I couldn’t deal with such crappy water. I grabbed the only towel hanging on the backside of the bathroom door and dried my body. Without any clothes I just wrapped the towel around my waist and made my way out. 

 

I expected her to yell, turn away, and be embarrassed that I was half naked. I was looking forward to seeing her cheeks go red. But I didn’t get that reaction at all. She just stuffed her face with ramen and read over some files in front of her. 

 

What the fuck? Was I chop liver? Did she not see how fucking gorgeous I was? Could she not see how cut my abs were? I worked out even when I was locked up in that sad excuse for a hospital. And yet, nothing. 

 

She was irritating as I watched her, “I’m leaving.”

 

“You can’t leave,” she said plainly, still not looking at me.

 

“You think you can stop me,” I tested her. There was no way someone as small as her could stop me.

 

“Listen, the moment you go off on your own, your family is just gonna find you and send you back to Kim Seokjin. Remember you’re dead to them, so if you start acting like you have a life again, they’ll just put you back in that place.”

 

She was really pissing me off. But she was right. I couldn’t get to any of my money. I didn’t have my cards. I couldn’t use my I.D. I had nothing to my name right now. All I had was this stupid towel around my waist.

 

With noodles still in her mouth she reached down and tossed me a bag, “While I was driving I came across a thrift shop. So while you slept I did a little shopping. I did the best I could to find you some clothes. Hopefully they fit.”

 

I reached in the bag and pulled out a pair of tattered jeans, a faded band shirt, a new set of briefs and socks, torn up red converse, a toothbrush and deodorant.  There was also some torn black pants and a couple more baggy shirts and a light jean jacket.

 

This really wasn’t my style. She had horrible taste. 

 

“Who do you think I am? All these clothes are beneath me.”

 

She finally looked up at me. But she looked more irritated than anything, “I’m sorry I can’t afford Gucci or whatever expensive brands you wear.”

 

She went back to eating and continued to read those papers. This was so infuriating. How can she just sit there and talk to me like this? 

 

“Oh and you better hurry. I made you ramen, and it’s getting cold.”

 

I stared at the clothes, slowly changing into the black torn slacks, and one of the large shirts. It was weird feeling the clothes on my skin. I had gotten so used to my hospital uniform; it’s almost plastic feel, itchy and uncomfortable. Now that I was wearing something softer, it felt out of place. My mind couldn’t seem to comprehend the sensation. But all those thoughts were gone when my stomach twisted, making a really loud noise. 

 

Cold ramen is better than nothing. But I really wish I could get sushi.

 

I walked over to the small table and sat across from her where she had placed my ramen, “Why couldn't you have waited till I was done showering to actually warm up my ramen?”

 

“You’re welcome.”

 

As soon as the noodles hit my lips and my tongue, I was scarfing it down. It wasn’t godforsaken pills, or healthy vegetables, or mystery meat. It was so delicious. It was so addicting. It was gone in under five minutes. I didn’t care if she was staring. I didn’t care if I looked like a pig. Right now, I was hungry; and was actually having real food. At least, real to me. 

 

But my mind went blank for a second. I could hear whispers in my mind.

 

_ “Mommy, made you ramen. It’s yummy right?” _

 

_ “Isn’t Father going to get mad?” _

 

_ “Your Father doesn’t care about us. Just eat.” _

 

_ I could see hatred and greed in my mother’s eyes. But she smiled anyways.  _

 

“Jimin?”

 

“Huh?” I looked up and realized the Doc was looking at me with a worried face, but I just stood up and walked back to the bed, “Quit staring you freak.”

 

She collected our trash and stood up to throw it away. For a second I thought she was going to come sit next to me on the bed. Just like in my dream. But she didn’t. She went back to her spot at the table, only this time she continued to look at me and not at her files.

 

“Jimin, why did you look so…. So different just now? Do you wanna talk about it?”

 

“Let me get this straight.” Still lying down, I turned my head to face her, “You had this brilliant idea to kidnap me, only so you could still try and be my therapist? What the hell is wrong with you?”

 

She bit her lip and fidgeted in her seat. She was nothing like how she was back in the therapy room when we first met only a week ago. She was so confident, so powerful, and so collected. But the woman in front of me now was weak, powerless, and looked so confused. What the fuck happened to her?

 

“What happened?”

 

I turned my head as soon as I asked. My voice betraying me; it actually sounded like I cared for her. 

 

“.....I’m not your therapist Jimin. Not any more.”

 

I turned my head back, “What are you talking about?”

 

“I got fired. I’m no longer your therapist. That’s what I mean.”

 

“.....you got fired?” I didn’t know if I wanted to laugh or just feel sorry for her.

 

“Yeah it’s completely your f-” But she stopped talking and looked away.

 

She was going to say it was my fault. Heh. Got her.

 

I sat up and turned my body to face her, relaxing my chin on my hand that was propped on my knee. How should I tease her? Fuck I wanted to tease her.

 

“Hmm… so little miss Doc got fired huh? Because of me? What… were you really that incapable of moving past our session? Our intimate moment? I admit it was hard to get you outta my head… especially at night.”

 

“You take joy out of belittling others, controlling them, and using them. It doesn’t surprise me you’re getting off on knowing I got fired because of you.”

 

“This isn’t about me Doc. It’s about you. It’s the fact that you can’t admit that I messed you up more than you thought and now you’re angry.”

 

“No. It’s all about you.” Her voice was starting to get louder and louder, “And ever since I had to talk to the likes of you… it’s just been you! Why are you controlling? Why do you resort to violence? Why… Why did you have to kill that poor girl?!”

 

I bit my lip hard and hurried to get off the bed, jump at her and pull her to me. I threw her down onto the bed and got on top of her, pinning her arms above her head. She struggled a little bit, but not enough for my liking. She kept her eyes on mine. 

 

For a second I thought I could see my ex in her. 

 

But Doc’s eyes were more unwavering, not backing down, not giving up. She took a deep breath as if to reflect on her outburst just seconds ago.

 

“You may have been the reason for my expulsion, but I don’t blame you. Jimin, I’m here for you. To help figure stuff out. I’m not going anywhere. Even if you hurt me. Even if you degrade me, torture me, lie to me… I’m here. I may not be your therapist anymore, but I'm your friend.”

 

“Shut up,” I barely said through gritted teeth.

“Talk to me. Why did you kill her?”

 

“Shut up….”

 

“I’m here to help you. Jimin….”

 

“I SAID SHUT UP!”

 

I put her arms together and held her down by her wrists. My other hand slid under her soft knitted turtle neck top and grabbed her bra covered breast. I leaned down and bit her ear, licked down her jawline, and forced my lips onto hers. I gnawed on her lip until she was spreading them open. I dominated her tongue, and I could feel her shaking. 

 

I wanted her to fight me. I wanted her to scream. 

 

But as I pulled away to start taking off her shirt, she just softly smiled. Why the fuck was she smiling?!

 

“Stop…. Stop smiling! You’re supposed to be scared!”

 

“I’m not scared of you. It’s ok. If this is what you want. Then do it. You won’t scare me away.”

 

“I said stop!”

 

My head was really starting to hurt. My vision was getting so blurry that I couldn't focus on the Doc’s face anymore. It was starting to look like my Mother. And then my lifeless ex. Their faces were molding into each other, over and over. Eyes white and cold. Eyes full of greed and hate. Eyes full of acceptance. 

 

Stop it. Stop it. Stop it! 

 

I don't want to see any of them! 

 

I scrambled to get off of the Doc. I wanted to get as far away as I could. But in my attempt to do so, I tripped backwards on the plastic bag that held the crappy clothes she got me. I felt my body falling and then there was pain. A powerful hit to the head knocked me out cold. 

 

_ Doc…. _

  
  
  
  
  


\---------------------

  
  
  
  
  
  


Age 10

  
  


“Oh God...YES….right there! Yes!” 

 

I peeked into my father's room, I heard a lot of screaming from a woman. I hope she wasn't hurt. I hope it wasn't Mommy getting hurt. I scrunched my eyes to try and see, but the way Father was on top of the lady, he blocked the woman's face. But moments later I could see… I was happy it wasn't Mommy getting hurt, but…

 

But why was my father on top of another woman? Was he hurting her?

 

I couldn't help but stay behind the door and continue to watch. I think that strange lady saw me...

 

I jumped as one of the maids caught me and dragged me back to my room. Her face was empty, she ignored all the screaming.

 

“Is Father hurting that lady,” I asked as I squeezed the maid's hand tighter, looking up at her face as best as I could.

 

“Don't sneak out of your room at night anymore Young Master. Your Father would be mad if he caught you.” 

 

“But...is he hurting her? Where's Mommy?” 

 

We reached my room, which she hurried to push me inside. She held her hand on the doorknob, looking down at me with such pity, “Your Father hurts a lot of people. Just do as you're told and he won't hurt you.” 

 

She closed the door. It sounded so loud and scary to me. My room was so dark, only the little car night light shined in the corner. 

 

I'm so scared. 

  
  
  
  
  


Age 12

 

My Father was having sex with those strange women who weren't my Mother.

 

I found out from my friends in school that sex was what adults did when they loved each other. So why was he doing it with so many strange women? Did he not love my Mother anymore?

 

I opened the door to my Mother's room. Only now did I find it strange that my parents didn't share a room. She looked busy on the phone and talked about stuff too complicated for me.

 

“Mom?” 

 

She covered the phone and pulled it away a little, “Not right now Jimin.” She went back to her phone call, ignoring me. 

 

“Why does Father always have those women around? Does he not love you?” 

 

“........”

 

She hung up the phone and froze. It looked like she was going to cry, but the look in her eyes turned dark. 

 

“It doesn't matter…. Love…” She put the phone on her desk and walked over to me, kneeling to get on my eye level, “Love doesn’t have to exist for two people to be together.”

 

“But…”

 

“All that you need to know is that you’ll have a comfortable life. And that Mommy loves you. Mommy will always love you. Ok?”

 

It looked more like she was trying to convince herself of her words, rather than me. I nodded though, still a little confused. She smiled happily and pulled me into her chest, her arms wrapping me in a warm embrace. But I could feel her shaking. 

  
  
  


“Father….” 

 

I was a little nervous. I never really talked to my Father, at least, not alone like this. And He looked busy. He was always busy. So it was either now, or never. I wanted to do my best for my Mother.

 

“F-Father?”

 

“......”

 

“Do you love Mother? She looks really sad when you aren’t with her. You should stop bringing those strange women to the house. I don’t think-”

 

“What did you say boy?”

 

I looked down, feeling like I was going to cry, “S-Stop bringing those women F-Father.”

 

He got up so fast from his desk that all I could do was stumble back.  I did my best to run away. But his legs were longer than mine, letting him catch me easily. He squeezed my arm so hard I thought it was going to break.

 

“Let me go! It hurts!”

 

“DON’T YOU EVER TALK TO ME LIKE THAT AGAIN!”

 

He smacked my face a few times then threw me to the ground. I cried and cried, my face hurt so much. It was so hard to open my eyes. It was so hard to breathe. I was so scared. He never hit me before. He never yelled at me like that before. What did I do wrong? He’s the one hurting Mother! He’s the one who’s bad!

 

Our butler came running in, shocked at what he saw before him. 

 

Father yelled, “Get this pest out of my office and see to it he doesn’t bother me again!”

 

“Y-Yes Master, right away.”

 

I hadn’t stopped crying as the butler picked me up in his arms and carried me out of my Father’s office. 

 

Not once had I ever stepped foot in there again. I vowed to never let him see me cry again.

  
  
  
  
  


Age 15

  
  


Father had gotten into the habit of beating me whenever he was pissed. Whenever things didn’t go his way. And it didn’t take much for him to get pissed. Not when my Mother and I were always there.

 

By this point my father kept me out of school, because I was missing too many days. He said the private schooling couldn’t teach me what I needed to know. He hired various tutors for me. He said they had a better understanding of our family and what my education should be. 

 

He just wanted more women to fuck. He just wanted to make sure no one would see the bruises on my face and my body from his beatings. He just wanted everything under his control.

 

Every other day, if not every night, I’d have nightmares. My Father would morph into this hideous monster thing that would torture me. Send me to hell and back. Laugh at me. Call me names. Hurt my Mother. Make me watch as he screwed other women. 

 

He said women were only good for banging and producing sons. 

 

I didn’t believe him. I couldn’t believe him.

  
  


Mother came into my room quietly and snuck into my bed one night. She said she could hear me screaming from a nightmare. 

 

“Mother…?” I was confused why she was in my bed, but she was really warm, and I felt safe.

 

“It’s ok sweetie, it’s ok. Mommy is here.”

 

She rubbed my head and held me close to her body. I tucked my arms into my body and let her cuddle me. For a while, she’s been coming into my room at night and helping me sleep. But this was the first time she had actually gotten into my bed. I kept my eyes closed as I could feel her heart beating. She smelled of roses, it was so sweet and relaxing. Really, I felt so safe. So comfortable. I easily fell asleep in her arms.

 

The next morning I woke up to a strange sensation; a good sensation. My eyes struggled to open, but the morning light helped. I looked to my side and my Mother was gone. I turned my head the other way. Not there. But in a flash I felt something happening under the blankets. 

 

Why was I feeling so good? There was something wet touching me. I felt hands on me. It felt so weird. No… No stop….

 

I was scared.

  
  
  
  


Age 16

  
  


My Mother said it was because she loved me. She said it was because she was lonely. She said she did it because only I knew her pain. She said it bonded us together, that we were connected. 

 

She said it was because I was all she had. ‘She told me that she was all that I had. She said no other woman would love me like she loved me. Other women wouldn’t be worth my time. All other women would hurt me. No one could take care of me like she could. 

 

It’s because she loves me.

 

That’s why she would touch me. That’s why she said it was ok to touch her.

  
  


But it was all a lie. 

  
  


My Father looked like he was going to throw up, “What the hell is wrong with you?! You forced our son to have sex with you?! YOU’RE SICK!”

 

My Mother was on the ground weeping, it looked like she had fresh bruises on her face, “YOU’RE THE SICK ONE! Always bring home women! Not caring if he saw you!!!”

 

“DON’T MAKE THIS ABOUT ME YOU SICK, SAD EXCUSE FOR A MOTHER!”

 

“THIS IS YOUR FAULT! IF YOU WOULDN’T HAVE KNOCKED ME UP WITH HIM I’D BE SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW!”

 

“Don’t think that I’m the only one here. You’re the one who seduced me. You should consider yourself lucky, that you got pregnant with that bastard. If it wasn’t for him I would have tossed your ass to the curb. There are plenty of other women better than you.”

 

She cried, “He… He loves me! You never did!”

 

He paced back in forth in front of my Mother, scratching his head and rubbing his temples, “God if you didn’t have a share of my company, I would have divorced you so long ago. Fuck all this. I can’t even kick you out!” He started laughing to himself, “If I kicked you out it would only bring on rumors. Competitors would think I have a weakness. God, if they found out what you did, I’d be ruined.”

 

He stopped in front of her and helped her up, gripping her arms tight, “Stop crying.” He waited as patiently as he could, “Now listen. What were going to do is pretend like none of this happened. DO YOU HEAR ME?! None of this happened! You never touched him! You are mine. Not his. Consider yourself a stranger to him now. I’ll see to it that he goes away.”

 

She cried and clinged onto my Father, her arms were around his neck, and he rubbed her back. 

 

“T-Thank you…. You do really l-love me….”

  
  


She used me. Betrayed me. Hurt me.

 

She said she loved me. 

 

She said I was her everything!

  
  


Liar. 

  
  


All women are poison. They only lie. They only want to cause me pain.

  
  


I cried myself to sleep in my apartment, my new home. My new prison.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Age 20

  
  


Tossing aside the fifteenth girl that year, I headed to my favorite coffee shop. I needed some caffeine in my blood. I was feeling really antsy and the cigarettes weren’t doing it for me today.

 

I walked in, greeted by a new girl at the counter. She looked so cute, so tiny, and so innocent. 

 

“I’ll take my usual,” I said with a sly smile, leaning on the counter.

 

“And what would that be?”

 

“I guess you’re new here?”

 

“It’s my first day, actually,” she blushed.

 

“Double caramel iced coffee with two shots please. Venti.”

 

She put in the order a little slow, still figuring out the register. “Ok that will be seven dollars and sixty cents.”

 

I grinned, “What? You’re charging me?”

 

“Huh?” She looked so confused.

 

“Do you not know who I am?”

 

Her manager immediately walked over and bowed, “I’m so sorry about this, she’s new. She doesn’t know.” He turned towards the new girl, “Listen, he’s a special guest here, so his coffee is always on the house. Remember that.”

 

She got scolded. I felt a little jealous. I wanted to scold her. She was so beautiful and cute, I wanted to keep her. Have her all to myself.

 

She bowed and apologized, “I’m so sorry. I’ll have your coffee out as soon as I can.”

 

“Actually. I don’t forgive you.”

 

“S-Sir?” She looked really worried.

 

“Say you’ll go on a date with me, and then I’ll forget this little incident, hm? How about it, beautiful?” I pulled my sunglasses down and smiled. 

 

She blushed so hard. She was so irresistible. Of course she said she’d go out with me. Of course she would. 

 

I’ve come to realize that women only see looks. They only want sex. They only want money. Claim that love was truth and there was nothing more. But if I used them first, then I wouldn’t get hurt. 

 

But this one was different. She didn’t know who I was. She didn’t know what family I came from or how much money I had. She was genuinely interested in me. She asked all kinds of questions. What my favorite food was, my favorite color, if I had siblings, the type of music I liked. Anything and everything fascinated her. 

 

She wasn’t like the others.

 

I was really falling in love with her. I didn’t want to. But I did.

  
  
  


Come to find out, she was a dancer, and aspired to be on the global stage. It was her dream. And it was my job to pave the way for her. Give her anything and everything. Not because she asked me. Because I wanted to. I wanted to give it all to her.

 

I talked to a few people and found out she applied to a really good dance studio. But because all the spots were taken, she had to apply somewhere else. I really didn’t know much about the world of dance. But apparently only a certain amount of students could apply, because there were only so many teachers.

 

I pulled some strings and made it possible for her to learn from Son Sungdeuk; after some research, I found out he had a really good program and could help her achieve her dream. 

 

Everything seemed perfect. I was finally able to forget about that terrible house and I could move on with her by my side. I could start a new life.

  
  
  
  


It all came crashing down. She didn’t love me any more. She didn’t need me any more. It was all a lie. Again. Just like my Mother. She lied to me. She used me. 

 

I’m scared. I’m so scared.

 

It felt so good, her neck in my hands.

 

I could see my Mother under me. Her hands doing her best to scratch and claw at my face, on my arms. But my Mother’s eyes disappeared and I saw her. The beautiful girl who turned my world upside down was now dying by my hands. 

 

This was the only way to keep her with me. This was the only way to free myself from all this pain.

 

Love is a lie. 

 

Only pain and blood is the truth.

  
  
  
  


\----------------

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Jimin! Hey! Wake up!”

 

The Doc’s face was the only thing I could see as I struggled to open my eyes. She looked so worried. She looked scared.

 

“Take it easy, you hit your head really hard on the table.”

 

She helped me sit up slowly, running her hand through my hair and on my scalp; checking for any bumps. She ran her fingers on the back of my head and I clearly felt a giant bump. It hurt like hell. It felt like I had a splitting headache.

 

“You’re bleeding a little…”

 

She rushed to get the same towel I had used earlier and put it against my head. She blotted the spot and sighed in relief, it didn’t seem to be bleeding too much. 

 

“.....what happened?”

 

“Can you tell me your name?”

 

“Park Jimin.”

 

“Age?”

 

“Twenty one.”

 

“Do you know who I am?”

 

“What’s with all these questions Doc? Shit….”

 

“Yeah I think you’re fine, still an asshole.” She sighed as she patted the towel some more, “You panicked about attacking me and you fell backwards and hit your head pretty hard on the table. It’s been like ten minutes.”

 

“But….” I closed my eyes and could so clearly see my adolescence passing through my mind. It felt like years and years had gone by. But it only took place in a ten minute span?

 

“What’s wrong? You’re shaking.” 

 

She put her hand on my arm, but I pushed it off, “Nothing. It’s…. It’s nothing.”

 

“Then why are you crying?”

 

“I’m-I’m not!” I wiped my face and felt how wet my cheeks were. “But… why? I’m not… I’m not some child.”

 

She put the towel down and shifted her body to sit in front of me, she was a little bit in between my legs, “Listen Jimin. When you were passed out, I heard you mumble ‘Mother.’ Do you miss her?”

 

“I hate that bitch! SHE’S A LIAR!”

 

She jolted, but remained calm, “Then why?”

 

I don’t want to talk about this. I don’t want to remember what happened. I don’t want to think about her. I scrambled to my feet and headed back to the bed. I wanted to get away from the Doc. She was making me feel cornered. I hate this feeling.

 

“Just… Just stay away from me!”

 

“Jimin, don’t run away from this!”

 

“No! Leave me alone! Please!”

 

She got up and stood at the end of the bed. I just grabbed the pillow and covered my head. I didn’t want to hear her. I don’t want to remember anything!

 

“What did your mother do to you? Tell me! You can’t keep running away from your past! Let me in!”

 

I couldn’t stand it any more. I threw the pillow at her, and got up on my knees, spit coming out of my mouth as I screamed, “You wanna know?! Huh?! SHE USED ME! SHE FUCKING USED ME! EVERY NIGHT SHE’D MAKE ME TOUCH HER! AND SHE’D TOUCH ME!” I was balling my eyes out, I couldn’t stop it, “I thought… I thought she loved me. I thought… it was ok to feel like that. She said it was ok. B-Because Father was so mean. H-He’d beat us up. We only had each other. But… she betrayed me. She sold me out. I was just a mistake. I was the reason she was trapped and unhappy. WHY…. I LOVED HER!”

 

I fell to the bed and curled my body into myself. I hugged my knees and cried. It hurt so much. My chest hurt so much. My head was pounding. My eyes were so swollen. I didn’t want to feel this pain. 

 

I felt the bed dip a little, and her hand was rubbing my shoulder, “What she did to you was wrong. No one… No one, should go through something like that.”

 

I just continued to cry.

 

She took a deep breath, “Jimin, is that why you killed your ex? Was it because you associated her with your Mother?”

 

“I loved her….so much… but she didn’t…. Want me any more… no one ever… wants me…. I should never have been born.”

 

I made up my mind. 

 

I startled her as I shot up from the bed. I wobbled on my feet, too dizzy to see straight as I headed to the bathroom. I hurried to grab the broken mirror, a shard big enough to grab in my hand. 

 

“NO!”

 

I tried sticking it into my gut, but the Doc ran up to me fast enough to grab my hand. We struggled, her body banging against the sink counter making her yell out in pain. But she wouldn’t let go and just kept her hands on the shard and on my hands. I tried my hardest to pull away from her, but we just stumbled out of the bathroom and back into the main room. 

 

“Let go! I want to die! Let me die!”

 

“You can’t! It’s not worth it!”

 

“But… I killed someone! I KILLED SOMEONE! I deserve to die!!! PLEASE!!!”

 

I could feel the shard cutting into my hand so hard, the blood was so hot. But as I looked down I saw that her hand was also on the shard, doing her best to hold it away from me. She was bleeding too. I looked into her eyes and she was crying. 

 

Was she crying for me?

 

“Death is easy Jimin. But living… living is the hard part.”

 

“......”

 

“You have to live for her, for your ex. Yes, you took a life, but you have to live in her stead. Atone for your sins. That’s the only way. Please…. Don’t just kill yourself like this.”

 

She was still crying as she squeezed the shard in her hand. Her body was shaking, but her eyes were steady on mine. And like a ton of bricks was lifted off my shoulders, I felt free. In all the years of pain an agony, I finally felt like I was raw, weightless. 

 

“I’ll…. I’ll try….”

 

I slowly loosened my grip on the mirror shard, and we let it fall to the ground. It broke into a couple more pieces on the floor. Both of our hands were bleeding, there was a nice puddle of it. 

 

“Doc….” my throat was so scratched, my voice was low and raspy.

 

“Just… stay with me, ok?” Slowly she stepped towards me and hugged me.

 

“Y-You need me?”

 

“Yes Jimin. I need you.”

 

Slowly I brought my bloody hands up to her back and clutched her t-shirt. I buried my head in her shoulder and cried. 

 

The last time I cried this hard was when my Father beat me for the first time. I promised myself then that I’d never cry again. Not for him. I’d be strong. If I could take his beatings, I could take anything else in life.

 

But none of it matter. Not when she was holding me so tenderly. I held her close, she was so precious to me. I didn’t want to let her go.

 

“I love you….” 

 

“I….”

 

The loud cracking of the lock being broken and the door flying open, made us jump. There were bright lights pointed out way, making it hard to see anything.

 

“Get down! I said get down!”

 

I stood in between the Doc and our sudden intruders; five, six of them all running into the room. I wasn’t going down without a fight, but my body was exhausted. I tried to throw some punches, but I was no match for the guys in suits. 

 

They looked familiar….

 

A piece of cloth covered my nose and mouth. A terrible smell filled my lungs. I heard her screaming, yelling for them to go away. But the intense horrid smell was taking over and I was gone. 

  
  
  
  
  


I woke up to a dimly lit room. I tried to get up, but realized my hands and feet were bound to the bed frame. 

 

“What…”

 

“You’re finally awake….”

 

No. No this couldn’t be happening. I searched the room frantically, I pulled and pulled trying to free myself. The thrashing did nothing. All it did was cause serious rope burn on my wrists and ankles. But any pain would be worth it to try and escape.

 

I didn’t want to be here. Not here again….

 

Out of the darkness of the room, I saw her. She stepped closer, giving me a better look at her face. 

 

Her voice was like poison, seeping through my body and tightening its hold on my heart.

 

“Welcome home…. Son.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you make it through this crazy terrible ride? It's so hard. I myself cried when writing this chapter. He finally admitted what he went through, and did his best to confront it.  
> But this story is coming close to an end. I don't know if it'll end next chapter or not, but soon. We'll see how it flows.  
> Again, I'm sorry if this chapter bothered any of you. I promise that my next work won't be this dark.  
> And of course, please feel free to leave comments, ask questions, or just talk to me about your thoughts, the characters; anything. Or if not here, feel free to send me a tweet @Miya_April  
> I'll see you guys next chapter!  
> Bye Bye Please Be Happy - Miya


	5. The Rose and Thorn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fear is the only true enemy, born of ignorance and the parent of anger and hate. -Edward Albert
> 
> She reminded me of a rose. Beautiful from a distance, but if you got too close, you’d get stabbed by the thorns. It felt like I was in in a shark tank; doing my best to stay afloat as a killer shark swam underneath me. But in all reality, I might as well have been drowning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Doc's POV~ enjoy

I sat up slowly, and waited for the room to stop spinning. I tried to push off the bed, but a stinging pain in my hands kept me in place. I looked down and realized they were bandaged up. 

 

_ “NO!” _

 

_ “Let go! I want to die! Let me die!” _

 

_ “You can’t! It’s not worth it!” _

 

Jimin tried to kill himself. I stopped him. I could feel my shirt getting so heavy from his bloody hands, my back was soaked with it. We were hugging. He said…

 

_ “I love you.” _

 

I looked down at my bandaged hands, slowly taking off the bandages. Distract myself; trying my hardest not to get flustered by his words. I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts and figure out what happened afterwards, putting the used bandages on the bed next to me.

 

Really, what happened?

 

The click of the door made me flick my head up. I was shocked at who I saw.

 

“D-Director? What are you doing here?”

 

Kim Seokjin walked in, closing the door slowly behind him. He carefully walked towards me and sat down in the lush chair that stood next to the bed I was currently occupying. He looked at me, examining my body, my hands, my eyes. 

 

“Once they brought you in, they called for me. But… It’s nice to see you alive and well.”

 

I pressed my lips in a line, doing my best to keep my bottom lip from quivering, “Of course I’m alive.”

 

“Yes, I see that. But not without some sacrifice,” he said as he gestured towards my hands.

 

I hid them behind my back on instinct, even though he had already seen them. I looked away, feeling so many emotions colliding. I completely went behind his back. I broke all morals and ethics. He had fired me, and my first thought was to kidnap Jimin and prove to him, and the world, that I was made of steel. I could stare into the abyss and make it out alive.

 

I felt embarrassed and humiliated. He must think I’m such a fool. I felt like one. No one in their right mind would ever do what I did. And from an outsider’s perspective, I lost my mind. Therapists would have called my reaction an isolated case of mania and impulsivity. 

 

And they wouldn’t be wrong.

 

But I don’t regret what I did.

 

I actually got through to Jimin. He was able to confront his demons. And I think I got him to understand just how much he needed to atone for his crime. I don’t know for sure. Which makes me want to see him even more.

 

“Where is he? What happened? Where am I?”

 

I finally got the chance to look around. The room was so nice, wallpaper trimmed with gold, roses in the corners of the room, a beautiful diamond chandelier hanging down from the middle of the ceiling, and such expensive looking art and furnishings occupying space. If I didn’t know any better, I was in some sort of mansion.

 

“Jimin is fine. You were found by the Park family security. And now you’re in the Park family home.”

 

I whipped my head to him, my heart racing.

 

No. Why here?

 

Jimin shouldn’t be here.

 

“I don’t believe you. Jimin wouldn’t be fine being here. I need to go see him.”

 

I got up and tried walking past Seokjin, but he quickly grabbed my forearm and held me back, “Just stop it will you? You sound like an obsessed teenager.”

 

His words caught me off guard, “I-I’m not an obsessed teenager.”

 

“Are you sure? Because you sound like you’re in love with him.”

 

“I’m not!”

 

He didn’t believe me.  _ I  _ didn’t believe me. 

 

He sighed as he stood up and let go of my arm, “Listen, you’re in the Park residence, so you need to mind your manners.”

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

“They are really strict in this household. They follow a very ridgid set of rules here. You bow first. You show respect. You don’t speak unless you’re spoken too. You don’t argue. You don’t breathe unless they say.”

 

“You can’t be serious.”

 

“I’ve only been in this household twice. Now, and the first time they called me over when the whole incident happened with Jimin and his ex.”

 

My interest was piqued, “How was it then?”

 

“Jimin’s father called me personally and said he needed a meeting with me. You don’t say no to Mr. Park.”

 

“And?”

 

He sighed, feeling slightly annoyed that I was only interested because it had to do with Jimin, “ _ And… _ he paid me a lot of money to take Jimin into my facility, and to keep him there. He didn’t say to turn him into the authorities, keep him safe, or try and get him help. It just seemed like he didn’t care. In fact, he seemed relieved that he didn’t have to deal with his son anymore.”

 

I looked away, clenching my jaw so tight that my teeth started hurting. 

 

Seokjin put his hand on my shoulder, “You have to know that I don’t condone what you did. You’re an absolute idiot. But I can understand wanting to help him. If he was raised in this house, I’m sure anyone would be screwed up in the head.”

 

“More than you know….”

 

“Now, come on. You wanted to go see Jimin, right? I think I can arrange that.”

 

It was the first time since I woke up that I actually felt relieved of stress. I was going to go see Jimin. I’d be able to see how he was doing. If I had to guess, he was scared shitless. I had to go see him.

 

Seokjin whispered to the butler waiting outside the room and gestured for me to follow him and the butler. My legs felt a little stiff, so it took me a while to walk correctly. But I was distracted enough by the house that it didn’t matter if I was walking in a weird way. I felt so intimidated just by walking through the hallways. Just like the room, the hallways were decorated in expensive art, colorful flowers, and marble statues. If anything broke, you could find yourself drowning in debt I’m sure.

 

We got to a very nice door, with a gold handle, painted a dark teal with gold filling in the decorative creases. Just behind these doors I’d get to see him. I don’t know why, but I felt a little nervous. I took a deep breath as Seokjin opened the door for me. 

 

“Jimin I-”

 

I stopped, breath hitched in my throat. Jimin wasn’t there. In front of me sat an older woman, who looked to be in her forties. She had on dark red lipstick, heavy eye makeup, she had pale white skin that looked like it had been worked on, and a dazzling blood red, floor length dress. It was only in comparison to her that I realized that my clothes were different; an oversized plain T-shirt and knee length shorts. I'd like to think they were Jimin’s but that wasn't important right now.

 

All that mattered was that I was finally meeting his mother.

 

And if I didn’t know any better, she reminded me of a rose. Beautiful from a distance, but if you got too close, you’d get stabbed by the thorns. 

 

My whole body was on edge.

 

I hurried to turn around and ask Seokjin what he was doing, but he quickly closed the door on me. I could only make out the softest whisper from him; a look of empathy in his eyes.

 

“I’m sorry….”

 

I put my hand on the door, hearing two men taking their spots just outside of it. I was stuck here. It was just me and her. And it felt like I was in in a shark tank; doing my best to stay afloat as a killer shark swam underneath me. But in all reality, I might as well have been drowning. 

 

“Darling… Come here.”

 

Her voice was so alluring and soft, almost like a lullabye. I felt compelled to turn around and walk closer to her. She patted the spot on the sofa next to her, smiling a perfect smile, so welcoming and warm. But I tried to remind myself of what she did. She wasn’t this perfect woman who looked flawless. She was the madness that drove Jimin crazy, alienating him, abusing him, and throwing him away. She didn’t deserve to smile like that. 

 

I bowed before anything, remembering Seokjin’s warning. I gulped and kept my hands close to my sides as I sat down a foot away from her. Close enough to not let on how uncomfortable I was.

 

As far as she knew, I just bailed her son out of the institute. She wouldn’t know he talked to me about what she did. Right?

 

“Would you like some tea? You look tense Darling.”

 

“No, Ma’am. Thank you though.”

 

I finally sought the courage to look up at her as she reached out to grab her marbled china. 

 

“Did you know that you could put rose petals in tea? Rose bud tea. It helps the skin, can help calm the body, and is free of calories, helping to keep your body weight in check.”

 

“You must really like roses. Ma’am,” I awkwardly said, trying to remember to show respect and manners.

 

“Roses are the most beautiful flower. They demand respect, they are elegant, and represent the deepest love one can have for another. I’d like to think that if I surround myself with such a beautiful flower, the roses can give me some of their energy. Some of their power, I suppose.” 

 

“I...I see….”

 

She sipped quietly on her tea and watched me closely. Very gently she put the cup down on the small plate in her other hand. She smiled, and continued to give me the creeps.

 

“So, tell me, and be honest…. What's your relationship with my son?”

 

_ And so it begins…. _

 

I straightened up, game face on, “I'm his therapist.”

 

“Seokjin told me he fired you.”

 

That hurt. “Before I was fired, I was his therapist.”

 

“I trust that he was a good patient,” she said before another elegant sip.

 

“He attacked me. I was kept in the clinic for three days.” 

 

She didn't seem to care. She just kept sipping her tea, as if the news of her son attacking someone wasn't anything to be worried about.

 

“Why did you kidnap my son?” I really hated the way she said _my_ _son_.

 

“Because I wanted to help him.”

 

“From my understanding, you got fired and then you kidnapped him?” 

 

Even though her wording was simple, she was clearly attacking me. I could feel my heart racing, but not because I was nervous, but because I really wanted to smack her. But violence is never the answer…. Right?

 

I took a deep breath to calm myself down, “I may have had a lapse in judgment, but my sole purpose was only to help him.”

 

“Why did you get fired Darling?” The worry laced in her voice was so fake.

 

“I don’t really think that’s any of your business….  _ Ma’am _ .” It felt good to say that.

 

“Anything to do with _my son_ is _my_ _business_.”

 

We were both feeling defensive about Jimin; an electricity firing between our eyes. Yet for her, I couldn't decide exactly on what basis. What were her feelings exactly towards her son? I shivered on the spot, thinking that maybe she was still in love with him. She needed help. But I wasn’t here for her.

 

“Are you ok Darling? Perhaps it’s too cold for you?”

 

She started gesturing to a maid that was standing off to the side, but I raised my hand, “No you don’t have to do that. It wasn’t the temperature in the room that gave me the chills.” I made sure to keep my eyes on her.

 

It was now or never. I needed to get information. Enough of this stupid game we were playing; feeling each other out, testing the waters. She seemed to hate me. And I hated her. So let’s just get down to it. Fuck manners.

 

She turned her attention back to me with a raised eyebrow; skepticism and bite radiating off of her, “Excuse me?”

 

“Where’s Jimin?”

 

Her red cladded lips curled into a smirk, “And you think I’ll tell you?”

 

“Listen  _ Lady _ .” She looked so offended. “I think that, even as twisted and sick as it may be, you care for your son. And the person he needs most right now is  _ me _ . Not you.” Her facade was starting to fall as she bit her lip. I confidently kept going, “So if you want him to get better, then you’re going to take me to him.”

 

“I'm… I'm his Mother. Only I know what he needs!” She was raising her voice but never had she looked so scared. What she was saying and how she looked were contradicting.

 

Either out of nervousness, or it just slipped her mind, she kept glancing to a door on the wall behind her. Million dollars says he was in the next room. If I had wanted to keep someone hidden away, I’d make sure they were close by. And by the looks of it, he was really close.

 

I stood up, “A real mother wouldn't have done the things you did.” 

 

I glared at her before bowing, emphasizing just how weak she actually was. She looked shell shocked, but it didn't matter to me, so long as she stayed put. I walked to the door and slowly opened it up, hoping Jimin was inside, hoping it wouldn't be another roadblock. 

 

“Jimin,” I asked carefully. 

 

I peeked around the room before taking a step in, closing the door behind me. Just like the previous room, there were roses everywhere. But unlike the last room, the door behind me was the only way in or out. It was very small, and it felt almost like a prison. A prison dyed in red. It was creepy to say the least. 

 

“Jimin,” I repeated.

 

This time I heard a muffled response. My heart sank as I tried running to the noises. Was he gagged? What did she do to him? I stepped around a mahogany rose folding pane and saw him strapped to the bed with a ball gag in his mouth. I felt tears coming on as I saw the panic in his eyes, the red rope burns on his wrists and ankles, and his drool covered cheeks and chin. 

 

I hurried to him, first unbuckling the ball gag. There were imprints and cuts in the corners of his mouth, which caused him a lot of pain as I slowly pulled it off. He whimpered and softly cried.

 

“Jimin…Shhh. It's ok, I'm here….” 

 

So naturally did I start running my fingers through his hair, bringing my forehead to his. 

 

“It's ok…. It's ok….Shh,” I said, doing my best to keep my own tears in check.

 

He looked so scared. But he seemed to relax a little with me next to him. At least that's what I convinced myself.

 

“You're here...they brought you here?”

 

I could tell it hurt for him to talk. His voice was so scratchy and rough, he must have been screaming a lot. Or it could have been the fact that his mouth was open for god knows how long. I kissed his sweaty forehead, for some reason I felt compelled too, before wiping the corners of my eyes and getting started on untying the binds.

 

“Yes, I was in another room. My Director, Kim Seokjin is here too, and he came to talk to me. He said he'd bring me to you, but instead he brought me to….” My voice got quieter, “...brought me to your mother.”

 

I finished untying all the binds. He sat up slowly, rubbing his wrists. It looked so painful; irritated skin, so much so that there was evidence of blood from the friction the rope caused.

 

He turned on the bed, letting his legs dangle off the side. His long bangs fell into his eyes as he looked at me. I was memorized. I didn't see any traces of a killer. I didn't see any traces of a cocky rich kid who thought everything should go his way. Sitting in front of me was a vulnerable boy who looked like all he wanted was peace.

 

At the same time we reached out for each other. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me to him, my body fitting in between his legs. I turned my head and let my cheek rest on top of his as I rubbed his back, feeling him constantly adjust his arms to hug me tighter. I could feel him take deep breaths, he was so calm in my arms.

 

“I love you,” he said with his lips against my collarbone, “Do….Do you love me?” 

 

I bit my lip hard, “I-”

 

“Of course she doesn't love you son. What did I tell you? The only woman who could ever truly love you, is me.” 

 

Upon hearing her voice, he became a shaking mess in my arms. I pulled away, still in his arms. I looked into his eyes, “Stay here.”

 

I pulled his arms away from my waist and took a deep breath as I walked to the other side of the folding pane that separated us and his mother. She looked collected again, just as she was when I first saw her. Her arms were crossed across her chest and she looked high and mighty; a queen in her own fortress wasn’t going to so easily succumb to the likes of someone like me.

 

“It's just you, Ma’am? No maids, no butlers?”

 

Her eyebrow flicked up at the way I said  _ ma’am _ , but she remained calm, “I told them to scurry off. It gets tiring being waited on. And besides, they don't need to know anything that goes on in here. This is my private room.” 

 

“Oh I get it! You don't want them to see just how tortured Jimin was in here. Right, right,” I said with as much sarcasm and assholery I could manage. 

 

“I just love him so much, can't have anyone else interrupting our time together. It's been so long.” 

 

“What you call love, is something only meant to trap him. You say you love him, yet you gag him, and bind him to the bed until his wrists and ankles are bleeding.”

 

“It’s for his own good.”

 

“No. It’s not. It’s for your own sick pleasure of trying to control him. You physically tied him down to control him!”

 

She started breathing faster, unraveling the longer she talked to me, “The only thing that works is fear and control. That’s how we’ve always worked in this family. And he  _ is  _ my son! I know him best!”

 

“You only know what’s best for you! You’re trying to justify your actions, saying he needs to be controlled… But it’s because of you and your husband that he struggles! It’s because of you he hates the world! That he hates himself! YOU’RE THE ONE TO BLAME!”

 

She gritted her teeth and quickly reached out for the rose vase next to her. She threw it at me with as much force as she could muster, “DON’T TALK LIKE YOU KNOW ME AND WHAT I’VE  BEEN THROUGH!”

 

I barely dodged the vase, only getting a few scratches on my legs from the broken shards that scattered everywhere. Jimin was quick to come running, but his legs were giving out on him midway, making him reach out for the chair to steady himself, standing a foot behind me.

 

“Mother! Stop this!”

 

“SHUT UP JIMIN!”

 

She screamed and thrashed her arms around. Her perfectly pinned up hair was coming loose, letting out a few strands to curl around her face. Her eyes were wild and crazed. She looked exactly how he did when he attacked me. How long ago was that now?

 

She took a few steps in our direction as she continued screaming, “You should be grateful to me! I’m the one who took care of you when your father lost his temper! I’m the one who always showed you love! It was me! And now you’re going to betray me like this!?”

 

“NO! YOU’RE LYING! You didn’t do anything for me! You said you loved me! But that was just a lie to use me! YOU’RE SICK MOTHER! YOU NEED HELP!”

 

“I SAID SHUT UP!!!!”

 

She grabbed another vase to throw. But at the distance she was at, I wouldn’t be able to dodge as easily. I closed my eyes as I saw the vase being raised above her head, waiting for the pain to shoot through my body. But as I heard the crash, I didn’t feel any pain. I slowly opened my eyes and saw Jimin pushing his mother away. The vase was broken at our feet. 

 

“Son, what are you doing?! I’m trying to get rid of her! She’s poison!” She begged with her eyes, sanity gone, “Can’t you see how she’s manipulating you against me? She’s evil!”

 

“No! Stop!” He squeezed his eyes shut as he grabbed his hair, trying to get his mother out of his head.

 

She hurried to him and grabbed his arms, “Jimin, baby, listen to your mother. She’s bad. She hates you. She’s just using you!”

 

“It’s you who’s using me….” he said with a much calmer voice. 

 

His mother knew she was losing this battle, “.....you’re so weak. I can’t believe I helped you all those years.” She took a step back and looked at him like he was garbage, “You’re worthless! I never should have loved you! It’s all your fault! I NEVER SHOULD HAVE GIVEN BIRTH TO YOU!!!”

 

“I’LL KILL YOU!!!!”

 

He launched himself at his mother, grabbing her wrist and throwing her to the ground. She screamed as he got on top of her, straddling her body, wrapping his hands around her neck.

 

“NO JIMIN STOP!”

 

I jumped to him, kneeling beside them as I wrapped my arms around his body, doing anything and everything to try and pull him away.

 

“She deserves to die! Get off of me!”

 

“No! Don’t do this! This isn’t what you really want!”

 

“You don’t know what I want Doc!!!”

 

“YES I DO!” I cried into his back, “You want to be free of her, but not like this! You aren’t this person anymore! You aren’t someone who uses violence and anger to function! JIMIN PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!”

 

“Doc…. no… I….” He closed his eyes and his hands quivered on her fragile neck. His resolve was breaking.

 

She was starting to go….

 

I gulped, I had to get him to stop. 

 

“You asked me if I loved you….right?” I squeezed him tight, burying my face into his back, “The answer is yes Jimin… yes I love you. So please… please don’t do this.”

 

One by one, his fingers loosened their grip, slowly pulling his shaking hands away. She lay still as he lifted his body off of her and collapsed on the floor. I moved as he did, and hurried to reach over and feel her pulse. It was slow, but it was there. She was only passed out. I sat back on my knees and cried.

 

As I continued to cry he stared at me, “....You love me?”

 

I turned to him, wiping my face, “Yes I do. But Jimin,” I put my hands on either side of his face, “You need help. I know deep down you want peace. You want to be safe in your own skin.”

 

He reached up and put his hands on top of mine. His eyes stayed opened as he started crying. I could see all the fear, the confusion, doubt, and worry he carried. 

 

I nodded, “Isn’t that right?”

 

“I… I didn't mean to kill her…. I didn’t mean for any of this… to happen….I-”

 

“I know…. I know…” 

 

“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! For everything!”

 

My heart was breaking for him as he leaned over and cried in my lap. 

 

We could finally start the healing process.

 

In seconds the door was slamming open; maids, the head butler, and Kim Seokjin came rushing in. I stayed next to Jimin, using my arms as best as I could to try and protect him.

 

“Director! She’s fine, she’s just passed out.”

 

Seokjin looked at the scene before him. Broken vases, roses scattered everywhere, me and Jimin huddled together, and his mother passed out next to us. Everyone heard the screaming, everyone heard the vases breaking. But once the noise stopped, everyone thought to rush in. If one of the Park’s told you to do something, you did it, especially if it meant to stay away. But deep down, none of them wanted their employers to be seriously hurt. 

 

The butler ordered for one of the maids to call Mr. Park into the room.

 

Seokjin and I both shared the same thoughts.

 

Instead of calling for the ambulance, their first thoughts are to call their employer. A man too worried about his money, his business, and his image, that he has his staffed trained to to get him first before anything else. 

 

Seokjin came to my side, kneeling next to me, “Are you ok?”

 

I nodded, “Just a few scratches, I’ll be ok.”

 

I ran my fingers through Jimin’s hair again and lifted his face. He was done crying, he looked exhausted. His eyes could barely stay open and his body was going limp.

 

“He needs medical attention. All of you do.”

 

“Director,”  I cleared my throat, “He needs help. I think he should go back with you. I think he’s ready.”

 

“No. I’m not going back.”

 

I frowned, concern in my eyes, “But Jimin you-”

 

He did his best to smile, reaching out to hold my hand, “I’m going to turn myself in. It’s the only way.”

 

“Not in a million years.”

 

We all looked up and saw his father at the doorway, looking down at all of us. His father was only a little taller than he was, tanned skinned, wrinkles on his forehead, a receding hair line, and a stern look on his face. He was scary and intimidating. 

 

“Father….”

 

“Turning yourself in will only succeed in bringing down my company and my affiliates. It will do nothing for you. I won’t allow you to take such matters into your own hands.” He crossed his arms, “I already gave you too much freedom and look at what you did, you kill a girl. That’s what I get for leaving you be.”

 

He was so cruel. I squeezed Jimin’s hand as I glared at his father, “Fuck your damn company! What about your son?!”

 

“Ha, what elegance and grace,” he said with an over dramatic voice, “Seokjin, you really had someone like her working for you?”

 

“She was one of my top therapists Sir.”

 

“Hmmm, I pity you if such arrogance and lack of eloquence made up your top employee.”

 

Seokjin bit his tongue.

 

It was then that his father gave any attention to his wife who was passed out on the floor next to us. He sighed as if something of this nature wasn’t important enough for his time. He gestured for the butler to come over.

 

“Just get her out of here. Take her to her room and call for our doctor to come see here. Make sure to cover your bases, I don’t want paparazzi thinking we have any problems. I don’t have time for such nonsense.”

 

The butler nodded and bowed then sought the help of the other maids. They all worked together to lift her up and make their way out of the room.

 

His father sighed again, talking to himself, “I told her to leave him alone. But she just had to start this all over again. Stupid woman.”

 

I wanted to say something. I was about to say something, but Jimin held my arm back and turned and stood up, stilling holding my hand in his. I could tell he needed any help and courage he could get to face his father, even if it was just holding my hand.

 

“You can’t stop me from turning myself in. I  _ killed  _ someone Father, doesn’t that mean anything to you,” Jimin said with such pain in his voice.

 

“People die all the time idiot. You should consider yourself lucky that you have me as a father to help pay people off.”

 

He let go of my hand and took a step forward towards his father, but stopped himself, “I’d kick your ass if I had a mind too, but….”

 

“Ah~ that woman of yours has you under a tight leash huh? You’re so stupid son, letting women control you like that.”

 

“No, it’s not because of her. It’s because I don’t want to be a monster anymore father! I don’t want to be a person full of anger and hate. I don’t want to be like you!”

 

His father uncrossed his arms as he walked towards his son, backhanding him hard, “You say you don’t want to be a monster, but it’s already too late for you. You want to turn yourself in? HA! Suffer on your own, here, in this house.”

 

Seokjin stood up and hurried to Jimin, pulling him back, away from his father, “I may have a solution.” He gulped as Mr. Park eyed him with malcontent. “Listen, I have the authority to write up official papers that could state that Jimin was insane at the time of the murder; a crime of passion.”

 

Jimin looked at Seokjin with a pitiful look. That’s not what he wanted.

 

“I know this may not be exactly what you want, or need, but this is the best way.” Turning his attention away from Jimin, he looked at Mr. Park, “If we have those papers I can see it he see’s time in my hospital and not in some jail.” His father was about to interject, but Seokjin continued, “If anything, this will just help you. A sick son, a caring father helping him out? It’ll give you a humane look….”

 

And we all knew that was something he needed. To be more human.

 

He smirked and put his hand hard on Seokjin’s shoulder, “I knew I liked you.” He clapped his hands together, “Alright, get to it. I’m counting on you.”

 

Seokjin weakly smiled, his shoulders tense with Mr. Park’s hand going back to pat him. He didn’t give any more attention to Jimin or to myself as he turned to leave. As the door closed, the three of us all shared a sigh. Jimin’s legs were weak, and with his father gone, he was finally able to let out all his bottled stress. He started collapsing, but luckily Seokjin was there to catch him and help him gently get to the ground. 

 

“Thanks….”

 

“Sure…”

 

Jimin laid on his back and stared at the ceiling, “He’ll never let me serve my time like I should… but I guess this is the next best thing…” He closed his eyes, “How long will I serve?”

 

Seokjin put his hands on his hips, “Well, I’ve only had to attest to mental stability twice before, speaking in terms of the court. And one was certified to leave after six months. The other was three years.”

 

“How long for me?”

 

“That depends on you Jimin.”

 

Seokjin looked at me and then back to Jimin. “Well, I’ll go wait for the doctor and tell him to see you two when he gets here ok?”

 

“Thank you Seokjin, really…. Thank you,” I said with as much gratitude as I could manage. And even then it didn’t feel like enough.

 

He smiled his killer smile, “Anytime.”

 

Jimin sat up as Seokjin left us to be alone. And the both of us just sat in silence, both of us thinking about everything that lead to this moment.

 

Jimin seeked consultation. I was assigned to him. He attacked me. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I went overboard. I got fired. I kidnapped him. We shared a room together. He cried. I cried. He tried to kill himself. He said I love you. We got taken to his family home. I confronted his mother. He finally accepted his past and demons. He wants to heal. 

 

We looked at each other, and we both looked away. I was so nervous. I was so shy.

 

“Doc… listen, about everything,” he said, running his hand through his hair, “I know it may not be much, but I do love you. And not as me trying to control you. I don’t feel that need anymore. I just….” He started blushing.

 

“I love you too Jimin.”

 

We looked at each other. In his eyes I was lost. Eternity.

 

But I took a deep breath as he scooted closer, “Wait… wait…”

 

He stopped, a little worried, “What’s wrong?”

 

“You have to understand. This doesn’t mean that we can be together. At least…. Not yet.” I looked down at my scarring hands, “We both need to be more comfortable with ourselves. Learn how to deal with our flaws, with our demons.” I looked up at him and smiled, “Only then can we actually try and… try and be something…”

 

He scooted closer again, reaching out to intertwine our fingers and rest his forehead on mine, “Will you still be in love with me though? I don’t want to lose you.”

 

“Jimin, you have to have faith. What does your heart tell you?”

 

I put my free hand on his chest over his heart, feeling it starting to beat faster. He put his other hand on top of mine and smiled.

 

“My heart tells me that I need to work on me, before I can worry about anyone else.”

 

“Good answer,” I giggled a bit.

 

He looked into my eyes, he was so close. I could feel his breathing on my face. 

 

“I don’t know how you’ll feel then… but when the day comes that I’m better, I’ll say it to you again. I’ll confess to you again.”

 

“Deal.”

 

I leaned in and pressed my lips softly against his torn, cut ones. He reached out to cup my face with his hands, slowly deepening the kiss. But the pain from the cuts were a bit too much for him. He just smiled and gave me one last kiss on the forehead.

 

“I’ll see you in the future.”

 

I looked into his eyes and smiled, tears prickling my eyes, “The future then.”

  
  
  
  
  
  


\---------------------

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“You know we both agreed that you were better. Why do you keep coming back here loser?”

 

I pouted as I stared at my blonde, grumpy, might-as-well-be-a-grandpa therapist, “You know Yoongi, you could stand to smile more. You know? Besides, I don’t have any friends.”

 

“You think I’m your friend,” he asked as he started pouring sugar into his coffee.

 

“Of course you are.” 

 

He flicked my forehead, “Ok, I’m your friend, but I thought we agreed that you’d try to go make some friends. You know, go have a social life. Not just work all the time.”

 

I watched as he started pouring the milk, interested in watching the black liquid turn light brown, “I know I know, and I’m doing better with that. I adopted a dog recently and when I take him for walks, I talk with other dog owners.”

 

“That’s good. I’m glad to hear that.”

 

Finished with his coffee, he starts making his way to his office, me tagging along behind him, hands in my pockets as I stare at the art of the wall. A particular one catching my eye. I stood in front of it and stared. My heart fluttered.

 

“Is that…”

 

Yoongi stopped and turned around, his large mug to his lips, “Ah….” He put his mug down and stood next to me, “We got that in the other day. That’s a piece by a former patient. His name was-”

 

“Jungkook.”

 

“How did you know?”

 

The picture was of a beautiful girl in a field of flowers, spinning, and smiling. She had on a gorgeous, diamond clad, white ballerina outfit, the tutu sticking straight out from her waist. The sun’s rays were painted to shine down around her. She had found her spotlight. She had found happiness. 

 

I couldn’t help the tears that fell.

 

“Hey,” He put his hand on my shoulder, “What’s wrong?”

 

I smiled as I wiped my tears, “Nothing, I’m just happy.”

 

“You’re happy?”

 

“Jungkook… I think he was finally able to find his own happiness. Find his own way in life. He deserves that.”

 

He nodded, “Yes. As far as I know, he’s dancing in New York right now for a major dance company. He’s quite the celebrity now I think.”

 

“Really? Wow. I’m happy for him.”

 

I reached out to touch the painting, feeling affirmation that he indeed found his happiness.

 

Yoongi nudged me, “So come on, let’s go to my office.  You came here because you wanted to talk right? Or at least that’s what I want it to be.” He started grumbling into his mug, “I swear if you came here to bug me….”

 

I laughed, “Can you not be a grumpy grump for once? Please?”

 

“No promises Kiddo.”

 

I sighed as I followed him into his office, taking my usual spot on the black leather couch, “You do know that I’m only a year younger than you. And the fact that I have more experience than you?”

 

“Ah~ but who’s the one that got fired, hm? Not me.”

 

I pouted for the second time, “Why do you have to always bring that up! Sheesh!”

 

He laughed, “Because I know you can handle it now, dummy. It’s a good sign you know.”

 

I sighed, I had to agree with him. The best way to tell how someone was dealing with their past and their pain, is how they reacted to it when it was in conversation. 

 

I looked at my scarred hands, and no longer felt any uncertainty, fear, and loss. I knew that I’ve healed. I’ve dealt with my anxiety and the issue of correlating my life to my job. I didn’t feel the compulsion to study, to work, to be number one. The compulsion to be the best was no longer a priority that ruled my world; keeping me from friends, food, sleep, a normal life. 

 

He looked at me carefully, putting his mug down, “Today’s the day he’s getting released right? That’s why you’re here?”

 

I looked up at him and nodded, “Yes. Today is the day.”

 

“And?”

 

I put my hands together between my legs, a habit I picked up being on the other side of the therapy sessions, “And… I guess I’m a little nervous.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because I haven’t seen him in almost five years. What if everything is different? Maybe he doesn’t love me anymore? Or maybe he’s forgotten me completely….”

 

“First of all, I thought we talked about this Kiddo. You come first. Not him. You have to be in love with yourself first before you can be in love with anyone else.”

 

I took a deep breath, “I know. I know that. And I am. I’ve never been so confident in myself. I guess it’s just…. Even after all this time, I still care about him. I still….”

 

“You still love him.”

 

“Is that bad?”

 

He smiled as he leaned back in his chair, taking another sip, “No of course not. You shouldn’t fear love. You should embrace it. Be open minded to it. Love takes many shapes and forms.” He turned his gaze to his window, watching as the leaves blew in the wind, “Love is always changing, evolving. What we should learn is to let it take a place in our hearts, but not let us be consumed by it.”

 

I looked at him and felt a burning in my heart. He was right. Love consumed Jimin and his mother, warped their minds, and turned into a creature they couldn’t control; consumed by it, tormented by it. 

 

But what I felt towards him wasn’t consuming, it was pure, and heartwarming. Just because I’ve struggled, just because Jimin struggled, doesn’t mean our love is any less important than other people’s. And… even if Jimin didn’t love me anymore, I should still consider myself lucky that I had a love that kept me going. that I had love in my life. 

 

I was very lucky.

 

I smiled, “Thanks Yoongi.”

 

“Of course. I’m a genius afterall.”

 

I stood up and smirked, “Okay, calm down short stuff.”

 

He stood up quickly and pointed right at me, “Yah!!! I should kick you!”

 

I laughed as I ran out of his office, “Bye Yoongi!!!!”

 

He sighed, lifting his mug to his lips, disappointed that it was already all gone, “Namjoon was right… she’s trouble.” 

 

He smiled to himself as he made his way back to the coffee station. 

  
  
  
  
  


\-----------------

  
  
  
  
  


My watch clicked away as I sat on the steps of Kim Seokjin Institute; my old workplace. I hadn’t been back here since I was fired all those years ago. 

 

I felt the wind pick up, letting my longer hair flutter around my face. I shifted on the step to face the wind, closing my eyes and letting it graze my face. I took a deep breath, doing my best to calm my heart. Even if my hair was longer, I was now wearing contacts, I probably gained a little bit of weight… yet I was still the same person, a better me. 

 

It was hard to try and calm down. 

 

How was he now?

 

Seokjin would keep me updated every now and then, upon my request. 

 

The first year he did nothing by cry and scream and blame himself. Seokjin told me his sessions with Jimin were very difficult. But eventually he accepted the fact that he was abused by his parents; physically, sexually, psychologically. And he accepted that it was a part of him. As months turned into years, he spent that time talking and finding coping mechanisms. He did his best to heal from it all; heal on his own, without the help of Seokjin. He repented, prayed, and sought self forgiveness. 

 

Seokjin called me a week ago, telling me that he had approved Jimin’s release. And as a favor to Jimin, he asked me to pick him up.

 

And here I am.

 

But my heart raced as I felt someone sit down next to me. I kept my eyes closed, putting my hands in between my knees and biting my lip.

 

He started laughing, it sounded sweet and heavenly. I missed him.

 

I slowly opened my eyes and turned my head. He was peering at me with his head propped on his hand. The blonde was gone and he was back to his natural black hair; hair that fluttered in the wind. His face looked sharper, he had lost some weight. But he looked healthy. He looked… happy.

 

“Jimin….”

 

He smiled the sweetest smile, void of any pain, “I love you.”

 

With just those three words, the dam was broken and I was crying. I felt all the stress and my tightly coiled nerves loosening and floating away. After all these years he still loved me. I brought my hands to my face. When had I become such a crying mess? 

 

“I love you so much,” he said again with more confirmation, his feelings overflowing.

 

I moved my hands and smiled through my tears, “I love you too.”

 

We both reached out for the other, seeking the warmth and love of each other. Our lips collided in desperation and affirmation that we were both finally together again. That we were both alive and healthy. We were both finally whole as individuals; and now, as a couple. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No no no this isn't the last chapter XD but I can tell you that the next one will most likely be the end :'( Honestly, I feel like if I drag it on, it wouldn't be as good. So even though it feels short, it feels good to me. I hope you guys can understand ^^  
> BUT you guys can rejoice, happy ending for Doc and Jimin! YAY! who doesn't love happy endings?  
> And Yoongi made a cameo, how did you like it?   
> As always, thank you for reading, and any comments you may leave. Feel free to hit me up on twitter for news and announcements ^^ @Miya_April  
> Till next chapter~  
> Bye Bye and Please Be Happy ~Miya


	6. Saved

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not everything could go smoothly in my life. I knew this, but it still hurt like hell.
> 
> At least we have each other in those times. And I wouldn’t want it any other way.

I woke up slowly, stretching my body across the bed. I looked to my right, and as expected, Jimin wasn’t there. I smiled as I slowly got up and made my way to the kitchen to start a pot of coffee. 

 

I scratched my leg and yawned loudly as I watched the drops of coffee slowly fill the glass pot. The smell of coffee was probably one of my favorites scents, next to the now familiar scent of home and Jimin. 

 

I wiggled my toes on the wooden floor as I blushed, a little embarrassed at my own thoughts of home and love. 

 

It’s been several months since Jimin left Kim Seokjin Institute; and since then he’s moved in with me. At first he refused, saying it was too fast. But he didn’t have anywhere else to go; his apartment was already gone, and there was no way he’d go back to his family home. And with no money, he wouldn’t be able to even stay at a hotel.

 

I dragged him to my place and told him he could live with me until he got on his feet and could rent a place of his own.

 

But instead, as the months went by, it was just easier for him to stay. It felt so normal to have him there. We got into a routine with each other. We both understood each other’s ups and downs. So without really talking about it again, we just silently agreed that we were living together now. And it was such an amazing feeling.

 

The pot of coffee finished as the door unlocked.

 

I heard small scratching on the door and I smiled wide, “Hoppie! Is Hoppie home?”

 

The door opened and my cute little brown shih tzu came running in with Jimin behind him. I got down on my knees and let Hoppie jump on me. 

 

“Ohhhh were you a good little puppy? Did you make any friends today?”

 

Jimin, covered in sweat from head to toe, laughed, “I think he got a girlfriend today actually. I had to drag him away.”

 

Jimin closed the door, slipped off his shoes, and walked into the kitchen. I stood up as Hoppie jumped up and leaned on my legs. 

 

“A girlfriend?! Hmph… already leaving me for another girl huh?”

 

I crossed my arms and pouted as I stared down at my dog. Jimin just laughed as he hugged me awkwardly, trying not to move Hoppie from my legs.

 

“Ugh, babe, you smell.”

 

“Good. I went one more mile than normal.”

 

“Did you run the usual trail, or did you try a new one?”

 

“New one. Hoppie was really happy,” he smiled and he kissed my nose.

 

He pulled away and started getting mugs, but I stopped him as I smacked his butt, “No, you go shower. I’ll get coffee ready.”

 

He smirked, “Can’t keep your hands off of me, huh?”

 

I frowned, “Don’t get full of yourself.”

 

He chuckled as he cornered me against the counter, his arms placed on either side of my body, “I’m not full of myself. I’m just stating fact. You like touching me.” His smirk was insatiable.

 

I turned away with a flush. He  _ was  _ stating fact. I really loved touching him, in all forms of loving contact. Since he’s moved in, my lonely existence was now filled with love, affection, and attention. If I wasn’t touching him, then he would be touching me. Holding hands, hugging, cuddling, legs twined together, you name it. It was as if we were making up for lost time. The five years we were apart; for the emptiness we felt before we even knew the other existed. 

 

I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him to me, so easily he followed my lead and stepped closer. I buried my head into his shoulder, “I do… I like touching you. Because… I love you.” 

 

“I love you too.”

 

I smiled. I was happy. 

 

It was normal to us. We could say I love you and it not have some dreaded weight attached to it. Love wasn’t painful for him anymore. And I was no longer pushing it away, or denying that those feelings could even exist.

 

He pulled away as Hoppie started scratching at his leg, “He’s jealous of me.”

 

“Well to be honest, he was the man of the house before you, soooo…….”

 

“Yah! You’re saying that he outranks me?”

 

I pushed him away lightly as I turned to start filling up my mug, “Go on already and shower. You have work don’t you?”

 

He smacked my butt, and grinned as he left the kitchen, “I’ll get you later for that comment.”

 

“Ohhh~ I’m soooo scared~!”

 

I sipped on my coffee as I heard the bathroom door close and the shower start. I made my way to my loveseat and adjusted my legs to accommodate Hoppie who crawled into my lap. I rubbed his head as I continued to sip on the hot caffeine. 

 

Hoppie was clearly tired from their daily morning run, and happily fell asleep on my legs. I smiled as I continued to pet him and scratch his ears.

 

With Yoongi’s encouragement, I got a dog to help with my socialization and my own healing. Dogs had an overabundance of energy and love to give, so it was an easy decision for me. Before Hoppie, I’d go see Yoongi, and then just come back home to do nothing and go stir crazy. But after the adoption, I was taking him on walks and starting to break out of my shell.

 

It was hard at first, not slaving away towards something. It felt as if I was just wasting my time if I wasn’t working towards a goal, especially one that would propel me in life. 

 

_ “A goal doesn’t have to be as grandiose as getting that next promotion. It can start as small as, getting up from bed and making breakfast. Leaving your apartment and taking a walk. Baby steps kiddo.” _

 

I looked down at the cooling coffee in my mug as I remembered Yoongi’s words. It’s amazing that after all my years of saying the same things to my own patients, I was finally hearing them for myself. 

 

I spouted these words, but never really took them to heart. In my quest to be number one, I neglected my own happiness, my own health. Work became my only validation in life.

 

I stared down at my mug and dazed off. Slowly that feeling of time stopping was creeping up on me; it was a feeling I hated the most. 

 

I didn’t even hear when Jimin came into the room, or the fact that he sat down on my coffee table in front of me. 

 

“Hey, what’s wrong? Look at me.”

 

“What? Oh, you’re done already?”

 

He looked concerned, “Babe, you’re doing it again.”

 

I frowned, “....no I’m not.”

 

He took the mug out of my hands and put it down beside him. He scooted a little closer and rubbed my legs, “Yes. You are. You always get that look on your face when you start thinking too hard on the past.”

 

“......”

 

“Remember, you’ve come a long way. Right? You’re goal now is to relax, enjoy life, and be happy.”

 

I made Hoppie mad as I leaned forward towards Jimin. I pressed my lips to his for a second before smiling softly, “Thanks. I guess I can get a little lost in my thoughts, huh.”

 

“Don’t worry, I do too. But….” he looked a little ashamed, “...but we still have to work hard.”

 

“You always work hard. I know you do.”

 

Before he could say any more I grabbed the towel that was around his shoulders and started drying his hair. We both understood that he’d never be able to forget the crime he committed, and the guilt he’d always carry around with him. But it didn’t mean that he’d let it rule his life. Because he had me now to help him. We had each other. 

 

“When are you getting off today?”

 

I stopped rubbing the towel all over, making his hair puff out in all directions, making him look extra fluffy. 

 

“It’s just a short shift since my boss was going to be called out to another store today. So I’m just covering for him.”

 

“Do you think you’ll be able to make it later then?”

 

“Yeah I should be.”

 

I touched his crazy hair and smiled, “Ok.”

 

He grabbed my hand and kissed it, “Don’t go falling in love with him ok?”

 

“It’s just Namjoon babe.”

 

“But you went out with him before, right? And you worked together….”

 

I rolled my eyes, “Jealousy just means you love me right, so I guess I’ll take it as such.”

 

His pout was adorable, “Don’t say my own words back to me… especially when I said those things when I was messed up.”

 

“Sorry…” I said with a weak smile.

 

“Just promise that you’ll still be so in love with me that you couldn’t think to be with someone else, and then I’ll forgive you.”

 

I pushed him as I got up, “In your dreams~”

 

“Yah!”

 

He got up in a flash and quickly picked me up in his arms carrying me to the room. I laughed as I lightly wiggled in his arms, “Ok ok! I promise! I’m sorry!”

 

He smiled wide, his laughter mixing with mine, “That’s what I thought!”

 

He put me down in front of my vanity before he started looking for his uniform in the closet. I pulled out the straightener and turned it on for him as I walked back to the closet to look for something to wear for the day. He changed, he pulled out the shoes he thought looked good for my outfit, then made his way to start on his hair. I lightly sprayed some body spray before putting on my clothes and then made sure to hand him his deodorant.

 

Our days were like this, both getting ready and helping each other. It’s become so normal, that we did it without really thinking about it.

 

He finished first and left to go pour his coffee in his travel mug as I finished putting on my make up. 

 

“Babe, I’m gonna be late, I gotta go,” he called from the kitchen.

 

I hurried to put my last earring in then rushed out of the room, “I’m coming, I’m coming!” I looked at him in his uniform, “Handsome.” He sighed. I knew he didn’t like the fact that he was working at the convenience store, but I kissed his cheek, “Remember, you have a job. You should be proud of that. I’m proud of you.”

 

He took a deep breath and smiled, “Thanks. I’ll be going now. I’ll call you when I’m done. It should only be for a few hours, since I’m just doing this favor for my boss.”

 

“Ok.”

 

We both stared at each other. Something we tended to do, whenever one of us was leaving. For some reason, it had become such an important feeling. The fact that we’d be leaving, but we’d be coming back. We’d come back to each other. It still felt really heavy to us. Both of us still a little scared that one day we’d come back to an empty home.

 

A spark ignited between us, as we sought the touch of each other. We were in sync, eyes closing, lips clashing. He ran his hand through my hair, tilting my head to make it easier for us to kiss each other like our lives depended on it. And it always did feel that way. 

 

He grabbed my hips and pushed me against the wall as he sucked on my lips and my tongue. Our bodies were getting hot being pressed against each others. I could tell he wanted more. Hell, I wanted more. But the rational part of him, a side that he had to learn to listen too, was screaming at him. 

 

“Jagiya….” he moaned as he pulled away to try and calm down.

 

“Y-Yes?”

 

He panted a bit, as he leaned his forehead against mine, “I promise I’m coming back to you.”

 

“I promise to be waiting for you.”

 

He lifted his head, the both of us breathing a little hard. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him tenderly on the lips, he doing the same. He hugged me tight and I hugged him back.

 

He took a deep breath, and whispered into my ear, “I love you.”

 

“I love you too.”

 

Once again, we were able to erase those doubts in our heads. 

 

Love existed. 

 

There wasn’t room for fear anymore.

  
  
  
  
  


\-----------------

  
  
  
  
  
  


I looked at my reflection in a shop window, checking to make sure my hair was ok. I couldn’t help but look at my outfit, hoping I didn’t dress  _ too  _ nice. I was just meeting up with Namjoon to catch up with him, so I was excited. But I didn’t want him to think I was expecting anything. Jimin didn’t say anything either about my outfit, so I should be ok.

 

I sighed as I looked at my navy blue pleated skirt flutter a bit. At least I felt cute?

 

When I was still working for Kim Seokjin, I always wore ironed button ups, or any nice top for that matter, with dress pants. That’s really it. And for lounging clothes and casual wear, I just bought stuff at the thrift store. I never really tried wearing “cute” clothes, or “pretty” clothes.  I never really tried out “fashion.” But whenever I started seeing Yoongi, he encouraged me to try different things, different styles.

 

Buy clothes I wouldn’t normally wear. Go out to eat more often. Spend a little money on something I liked. 

 

It was a little hard at first. But eventually I was able to concentrate on me. Give myself a little freedom to try stuff and experiment with styles. 

 

In that time, I was able to fall in love with myself.

 

I looked at my sheer flower blouse over my tank top. It looked well together, and the shoes Jimin picked out for me matched as well. And honestly, I really liked feeling more girly.

 

“Is that you Bee?”

 

I turned around and saw Namjoon staring. I blushed a bit, “Hey Namjoon.”

 

He looked at me, head to toe, “....wow.”

 

“Stop it already, you’re making me embarrassed.”

 

He walked up closer and smiled, his cute dimples popping out, “Sorry Bee, but really, you look amazing.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

He opened his arms and hugged me tight, “Long time no see.”

 

“You’re telling me,” I mumbled as I hugged him back. “Next time you decide to go back and forth internationally for conferences, let me know.”

 

“Next time you plan on having a melt down, let me know,” he grinned.

 

I pulled away, “Wow. That hurt….”

 

He chuckled, “Sorry Bee.”

 

I sighed, unable to keep a smile off my face, “And what was worse was that you left me someone like Yoongi. How could you?”

 

“He’s great right?” He cracks up really loud, holding his stomach, “I love that guy!” 

 

“Great is an understatement,” I said, crossing my arms.

 

He put his arm around my shoulder and started leading me towards the small family owned restaurant down the street. It was one of his favorites, so we agreed to eat there and catch up.

 

“Yoongi hyung really likes you though. I’m glad he was able to help you.”

 

“He likes me,” I asked with skepticism. “He’s always grumpy with me!”

 

“Don’t worry, he’s grumpy with me too. And I’m his boss!”

 

He opened the door for me, moving his arm off my shoulder. We sat in the back and started looking at the menu. But he put it down a second later, already decided on several dishes. I’d never understand how boys could eat so much.

 

“.......”

 

“What’s wrong,” Namjoon asked as he poked my hand.

 

“Nothing, just thinking.”

 

“About what?”

 

“I guess I’m just really grateful that even after everything, you still took me in. You still wanted to help me. I guess I should say thank you…. So,” I looked at him and bowed my head, “Thank you Namjoon.”

 

He blushed hard, “D-Don’t thank me like that! It’s ok, really. I appreciate it though.”

 

I looked up and smiled, “I’m glad you’re back.”

 

He scratched the back of his head, “Yeah me too. But… I guess I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to be there for you when you probably needed the most help…..” His eyes were a bit uneasy.

 

I sighed, “You don’t have to apologize. Like you said, Yoongi was able to help me. And the accommodations you made for me at the hospital was really nice.”

 

He looked at me seriously, “Remember, if anything happens, you can always talk to me. Ok?”

 

“I know. Thanks.”

 

He smiled, the mood getting light again, “Good.”

 

Our food arrived and he started digging in. Really…. How was he so skinny when he ate like an animal?

 

“So, tell me, how is Jimin?”

 

I coughed a bit on my food.

 

He looked up curiously, his eyes still serious, “He got released a few months ago right? Seokjin told me that he’s basically a new man. Granted, it took him a lot to get to how he is now.”

 

“Oh yeah… you’re friends with the Director….” I drank some water before continuing, “So um, Jimin is fine. You know...”

 

He didn’t look happy with my answer, his eyes narrowing a bit, “Why are you being so vague?”

 

“I don’t know… I’m a little embarrassed.”

 

“Embarrassed about what?”

 

“I um, I don’t know if you know, but…. We’re living together.” I noticed a twitch in his hands, “And plus… you really hated him, right? So I guess I’m a little nervous… about what you’re going to say.”

 

He stopped eating, “As much as I talked to Yoongi about you, I talked to Seokjin about Jimin. I know how hard he worked to repent and change himself. Or at least make strides to bettering himself.” He crossed his arms, “But... there’s always going to be a part of me that hates his guts because of my affiliation to Jungkook. And not to mention what he did was….” He sighed, “Well you already know. But, it’s not to say that I don’t recognize his effort…..I guess.” 

 

I gulped, feeling like I was in front of my Dad. The word  _ hate _ making me sad. Just the way Namjoon was starting to act was making me sad.

 

“And not to mention, I’m just always worried about you and-”

 

“What?”

 

He coughed, going a little red, “Nothing. Just know that, I still support you. I’m your friend, so you can count on me, ok?”

 

“I see. Thanks,” I said a bit embarrassed, but overall happy.

 

“So, you’re…. living together? How’s that going?” His voice was unsteady but he did his best to cover it up with eating.

 

He continued to eat as I talked, “At first it was hard. We weren’t used to someone else being around. And besides, we were a little awkward because we did so much work on ourselves, so we weren’t sure just how to be  _ normal _ with each other?” I sighed, “I hope that makes sense.”

 

“I get it.”

 

“If you think about it, we only knew each other for a grand total of ten days. And in that time we went through  _ a lot _ and somehow in the midst of it all… we fell in love. Crazy huh?”

 

He peered up from his meal, then looked back down, “Crazy… Funny you choose that word to describe it.”

 

I frowned, feeling a little attacked, “I suppose so.”

 

I went back to eating as he finished up all his food. He watched as I ate, and I felt really awkward. 

 

I get it, my relationship with Jimin started off in the worst possible way. No one would believe it if I told them. But that didn’t mean that we weren’t happy now. It didn’t mean that we haven’t grown, worked hard, or did our best every day since then. 

 

“What happened with his family? With his Father?”

 

I looked up, a bit of a blank stare in my eyes, “Well his father ended up getting caught for embezzlement shortly after they agreed on Jimin going back with the Director. But he already paid the Director, so Jimin’s time there wasn’t affected. So basically he’s in jail and the fortune was dispersed between the trustee’s and Jimin’s mother. But Jimin’s mother ended up getting sued by most of the staff, and she ended up losing a lot of her share of the money anyways.”

 

“I think I remember hearing something like that.”

 

“Yeah…” I poked at my food.

 

“So what does Jimin do? Does he have a job? Is he even stable to work?”

 

The more I talked the more it seemed like Namjoon was getting more annoyed, I couldn't quite put my finger on it. But I was starting to get fed up.

 

“He works at a convenience store for now. He really wants something better. But he’s been having a hard time since a lot of people recognize him.”

 

He crossed his arms again, “I see. Then what about you? Seokjin told me you’re working for him again?”

 

“It’s more like an assistant position, not as a therapist. Yoongi said that without completely starting over and changing careers, this would be a good alternative. Plus the Director said he trusted me, which I'm so grateful he gave me a second chance.” I cleared my throat a bit, “And since he already knew what I had been through, he could help me.” Before he could ask I continued, “I’ve only been working for the Director since Jimin was released. And before that I was working part time at a small flower shop.”

 

I was a little parched, I downed my whole glass of water. I suppose I was feeling a little defensive too. It was kinda hard saying all this in one go.

 

“....He hasn't hurt you has he?” 

 

I was almost ready to stand up and leave but Namjoon shifted in his chair.

 

“Sorry Bee, I shouldn’t be asking all this. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.” He put his hands in his lap, looking down with some remorse, “I can be an asshole, but I mean well. I guess in the end I’m still just really worried about you and-”

 

“You keep repeating that you’re worried about me but,” I sighed, “Namjoon, will you be honest with me?”

 

He wouldn’t look up, “Yes?”

 

“Do you still have feelings for me?”

 

He remained quiet. I took it as a yes.

 

“All those years ago, I'm sorry I didn't take our relationship as seriously as I should have. I took you for granted and I hurt your feelings. I'm so sorry for how I acted.” 

 

“.....” 

 

“You said earlier that you’d support me but the more I talk about him, it just seems like you're judging him. Like he isn't good enough.” I frowned, “I still really cherish you as a friend, but if you're going to start judging him or talk about him in any way that isn't respectful then I don't think I can be friends with you anymore.” I put my fork down and locked eyes with him, “I love him. And I plan on staying by his side.” 

 

He mumbled under his breath, “Still didn't answer me if he hurts you though….” 

 

I got my wallet out and put some money on the table, “Thanks for today. I'm glad we got to talk.” 

 

I got up and walked out. 

 

I felt so disappointed and hurt. I don't know why I started tearing up. Was it because it was Namjoon asking all those questions? Was it the questions themselves? 

 

“Wait!”

 

Namjoon ran after me, grabbing my arm and stopping me. I pulled my arm away and tried to continue walking. He stepped in front of me, blocking my way.

 

He got a look at my face, “You're crying? I um, don't cry… Bee, I'm sorry. Please I just-”

 

“How could you say one thing and then do another?!”

 

“I know, I'm sorry! I thought I had more control of my feelings but….” He really didn't want to admit that being around me makes him confused, jealous, sad, and defenseless. He bit his bottom lip.

 

“You were my first friend. Even when I did nothing for you, you were still there for me. And… And I want to still be friends. But… If you don't want to, or can't… Then say something now. I'll… Understand.” I wept, “I'm not selfish enough to keep you here if you don't want to be…”

 

He thought seriously on my words. I was giving him an out. He wouldn't have to deal with me, and by extension, Jimin. He was being honest when he said he hated Jimin’s guts, but he didn't give all the reasons why. Some of that hatred stemmed from jealousy and ego. 

 

_ How is it possible for someone like him to be a better match for her?  _

 

“.....”

 

“It's ok Namjoon, we don't have to be friends anymore,” I said as I took a step back.

 

“Quit trying to get rid of me! I want to be here for you! I just…” He rubbed his temples and started pacing, “I'm just so pissed that when you were struggling I was gone. I couldn't be there for you. I wanted to come back so many times for you, but… I just… couldn't. And now, now you're like this completely different person and I know I had nothing to do with it. And I guess it just pisses me off that I wasn't ever good enough for you.”

 

“Don't you know how badly I wanted you there!? But there's no way I could have asked you not to accomplish your dream of doing study and research, a-and just stay with me! Not when I had already…  Already hurt you so bad…”

 

“I would have stayed for you if you had asked!”

 

“You knew where I was, how come you didn't come back?!”

 

“Because I didn't want to see you like that!”

 

“........”

 

“......no, I meant. ...Shit…”

 

I took several steps away, “I see… So… You told yourself you wanted to be there for me, help me... but in reality you were just too scared or too vain to see me broken like I was.”

 

“That's not...what I meant….” His eyes stayed glued to the ground.

 

“I don't blame you for your reasons for staying away, but I guess I understand now what our relationship really stood for.” I was careful about wiping my tears, trying not to mess up my makeup, but it was already messed up, “This is who I am now. And Jimin is the man I'm in love with. I'm sorry you have a hard time dealing with that.”

 

“Bee...please, I'm sorry….”

 

“I'm sorry too Namjoon….”

 

I turned and started walking away. 

 

Not everything could go smoothly in my life. I knew this, but it still hurt like hell.

 

But I suppose I have myself to blame. I shouldn't have put so much idolization on Namjoon, thinking he was my only friend. Well, he  _ was  _ my only friend, but I shouldn't have thought that I needed him to help my life be better. I put all the pressure on him without really realizing it. And all it succeeded in doing was getting my hopes too high. He wasn't some perfect guy who could be my friend, be there for me whenever I needed him to be. He had his own hang ups and problems. 

 

I felt so stupid.

 

Time slipped by, blurry images of the city, people, and cars going by, slowing changing to houses. My feet just carried me where I needed to be. I cried as I found myself at Yoongi’s place.

 

Yoongi was a little shocked seeing me on his front doorstep, but wasn't upset. He always told me in emergencies to come to him if I needed it. And I really needed it.

 

He stepped back and let me in. I took a step forward, but didn't move from the entryway. He gently put his hands on my shoulders and lead to what looked to be his office. There were books upon books lined up everywhere. As well as a massive collection of old records making up the decorations on the walls. It was cluttered and messy, but it felt really comfortable.

 

I heard him talking, asking someone to make some coffee.

 

I looked up suddenly, coming back to my senses, “I'm so sorry, you have company. I shouldn't be here.” 

 

I tried standing but he quickly pushed me back down, “You're not going anywhere punk. And besides it's just Taehyung.” 

 

“Who’s Taehyung?”

 

He walked around to sit behind his desk, “My boyfriend.”

 

I blushed and looked down at my hands. It's not like I didn't think he'd have someone in his life. But it was just a little embarrassing seeing him in that light.

 

He snickered a bit, “What? Did you think this grumpy grandpa couldn't find love?”

 

“I didn't say that!”

 

He laughed, “Relax kiddo, I know you wouldn't think that.”

 

And on cue, his boyfriend Taehyung knocked on the door. With Yoongi’s confirmation he walked in with a tray, coffee and cookies on top. 

 

“We only have chocolate chip right now, so I hope these are ok,” Taehyung asked as he looked at me with a smile.

 

Taehyung looked younger than me, cute, bright, and playful. He seemed the complete opposite of my therapist Yoongi. Not to mention, they were opposites in height and body size as well. Maybe that's why they looked so happy. They completed each other, two pieces of a puzzle coming together. 

 

I nodded, giving Taehyung the cue to hand me my coffee and cookie. He walked around to Yoongi’s side and handed him the milk and a lot of sugar. They touched fingertips and smiled at each other. It felt really intimate, and I almost jumped up from my seat to leave.

 

But Taehyung beamed at me, “Thank you for taking care of him.”

 

“Not at all, it's always him. He deserves the credit.”

 

He grinned, “I can see why he likes you.” Yoongi smacked his hip gently, seemingly giving him the hint to leave. He continued to smile, “Take your time ok?” He turned his attention away from me and back to his boyfriend, “If you need anything else hyung, just let me know.” 

 

As Taehyung closed the door, Yoongi looked at me with an aloof expression, “Yes?”

 

“Nothing,” I said with a small smile.

 

The way the seemed so happy to me… I wonder if Jimin and I look that way to other people…. 

 

While my thoughts drifted, he took a deep breath and let it out slowly. I knew it was his way of clearing his thoughts before talking with me. Just as much as he knew my routine and habits when we talked, I grew to know his.

 

He sipped his sweet coffee, “So what happened?”

 

I put my coffee and cookie back on the tray, “I'm not friends with Namjoon anymore.”

 

Yoongi wasn't expecting that answer, but kept his cool, “And why is that?”

 

“We fought… And it turns out that…. He indirectly confessed that he didn't want to be around me when I was struggling.”

 

Another sip, “Did he deny it?”

 

“Not really.”

 

“Did he confirm what he said?”

 

“No… It was like he yelled it at me when we were going back and forth.”

 

“It's human instinct to stay away from the sick, keep distance from that which could cause harm.” He put his mug down, “Kiddo, he probably didn't realize he was doing just that. Especially when he thinks so highly of you.”

 

“But….”

 

“When someone close to you is having problems, often times it's easier to think that it's not happening. At that point you're giving yourself a way to protect your own feelings. A self defense.” He crossed his arms, “Listen to me, he really admires you. He loves you. So as childish and simple as it may be, he was protecting himself.”

 

“.......”

 

“Protecting one's self is not a crime kiddo. Although he probably didn't even realize he was doing it, and the fact that he unleashed it all at once was probably a bad idea. But, no one’s perfect.” He sighed as he could see my face starting to twist into that familiar look he was so used to seeing on me, “Now, don't think that this is your fault. When you first got ‘sick’ he probably didn't know how to handle it. So he probably put his plans of going abroad into motion. Not because of you. But because of his lack in confidence, his weak mentality when it comes to you.”

 

“But I'm not anyone special Yoongi. Why would he carry such convictions about me?”

 

He smiled, “Being in love with someone can bring out irrational feelings.”

 

I really couldn't argue.

 

“Listen, I'm not telling you to be friends with him again, or whatever. You're a grown ass woman who can make her own decisions about who you want in your life. I'm just telling you to consider all perspectives. He's not perfect. You aren't either. Relationships can only be successful when both parties accept that fact and try and work through their flaws; platonic, romantic, and sexual alike. Do you understand?” 

 

I nodded.

 

“Good. Now,” he picked up his mug again and sipped, “Was there anything else?” 

 

“I guess...not….” 

 

“Take your time.” He watched me as I stared off into space, “Eat the cookie. It'll make you feel better.”

 

“How so?” 

 

“Because it's chocolate.” 

 

“Oh right… Tryptophan. It'll release serotonin and make me happy,” I said, picking up the cookie.

 

“Bingo.” He took a big bite of his own cookie. “Now hurry up, finish your cookie and be happy.” 

 

I laughed, knowing he was trying his best to cheer me up. I smiled as I took the first bite, “So… How did you meet Taehyung?” 

 

“He worked at my favorite coffee shop. And he was cute. So I asked him out. He said yes. And three years later were being interrupted in the middle of sexy time because someone had to go have a fight with my boss.”

 

I almost died choking on my cookie. I desperately drank the cold coffee to try and clear my throat.

 

“What the hell is wrong with you????” 

 

“What?” He wasn't phased.

 

I sighed, “How are you a therapist?” 

 

“You already know the answer kiddo… I'm amazing,” he shrugged with such a smug look. 

 

I hurried and finished the cookie, “Yeah yeah relax. I'm leaving now.”

 

“How do you feel,” he asked standing up and opening the door.

 

“.....Actually,” I chuckled, “A lot better.”

 

“Leave it to the genius Min Yoongi.” 

 

I got up and frowned, “Now, not as better…” 

 

“Shut up punk,” his warm hand patted my back, opposite to the fake coldness of his words. 

 

Taehyung was sitting on the couch watching TV as we passed by to head to the front door. 

 

He shot up, “Leaving so soon?” 

 

I bowed, “I'm sorry about the sudden intrusion.” 

 

“It's ok. Hyung is such a good guy he wouldn't turn you away.” He smiled, “Please feel free to stop by again.” 

 

“Hey brat, don't just invite-”

 

“Shut up Hyung, you know you wouldn't mind the company.” 

 

I giggled as I saw Yoongi keep his mouth shut. I guess Taehyung really was special if Yoongi let him get away with talking to him like that. 

 

“Thank you again Yoongi.”

 

“Anytime kiddo.”

 

As they closed and locked the door behind me, I could hear Taehyung laughing happily as Yoongi chased him around the apartment. 

 

It wasn’t until I was walking down the street that I had completely forgotten about the time. I had plans to meet Jimin. At that moment I felt my phone vibrate and realized I missed calls from Namjoon and Jimin. 

 

I hurried to call Jimin back.

 

“Hello,” he asked with such worry.

 

“Hey…”

 

“Where are you? What's wrong? Are you ok?”

 

He was talking so fast, he sounded so worried. It made me happy hearing his voice though. “I'm leaving Yoongi’s place.”

 

“But…” It was almost as if I could hear his thoughts coming across. “What did he do,” he asked, his voice low and threatening.

 

“Namjoon, he… Listen we fought, but it's ok.” 

 

“If it was ok, you wouldn't have gone to see Yoongi.”

 

He had a point. “.....Are you off work? Can I see you now?”

 

“Yeah, I've just been waiting at theater. But I’ll go home if that what you wanna do.” 

 

“I'll meet you at home then. I promise to explain when I get there, ok?” 

 

“Ok… Be safe.” 

 

“You too.”

 

I hung up and hurried back home. There'd only be misunderstandings if I tried explaining things over the phone. I've learned that talking to Jimin face to face helped his understanding of things. Plus it helped reaffirm our relationship. 

 

As soon as I got home I hurried to explain everything that happened. It took about half a hour for him to understand everything that had happened.

 

He took a deep breath and collapsed on the couch, “ok… Well… I'm glad it wasn't anything else. I kinda panicked.” 

 

“I knew you would,” I said taking the spot next to him. 

 

He pulled me to be in his lap and played with my hair, “ So… Are you going to try and be friends with him still?” 

 

“I want to. But I think he needs time to figure some stuff out on his own.” 

 

“Yeah…” He said as he slouched a bit more on the couch.

 

I curled up against him, “Did you still want to go out like planned? I kinda ruined it though....” 

 

He pinched my side, “You didn't ruin it.” He looked at his watch, “But we did already miss the movie….”

 

“Hmm….”

 

“Want to just order in and we can watch a movie here?”

 

I smiled wide, “That sounds perfect.”

 

I got up so he could go change and then order food. I sat back and looked at my phone. I never called Namjoon back and I felt a little bad not responding to him. I swiped away and started texting him.

 

>just wanted you to know that i’m not mad anymore just sad now.  I’m not the same girl before. and now i have jimin in my life. So i hope you can truly accept that….  but i still wanna be friends but maybe for now we just need time? I dunno…. Just know that whenever youre ok to be friends again, lets be friends.

 

I put my phone down, listening as I heard Jimin fumbling around in the bedroom. A smile spread on my lips so naturally. But anxiety replaced my smile as I saw my phone lighting up a few minutes later. I took a deep breath to prepare my nerves.

 

>It’s funny to think that even though we pride ourselves for knowing the human mind and emotions, we can be so clueless to our own feelings. I’m sorry, i’m so sorry for… for it all. I’m glad you still want to be friends with me. i’d like to continue being friends. But I agree we need time. Or more like, I need time to really wrap my head around you being with Jimin. I think i need to learn to move away from the past first…. Anyways, i was a jerk, and i hope you don’t stay sad for long. See ya bee, i’ll miss you

 

>miss you too. see ya bear

 

I put my phone away, a weight lifted from my heart. I don't know how long it'll take our friendship to go back to the way it was, but, I had confidence that it would now be a better one. 

 

Jimin came back into the room with a long sleeved sweater and sweats. He looked super cute and super comfortable. I couldn’t help but smile once more. All at once, with Namjoon’s text and my adorable boyfriend walking towards me, I was a puddle of happy on the couch.

 

He chuckled, “What's with that goofy face?”

 

I snuggled against him, locking our arms and leaning my head on his shoulder, “No reason. Just happy. So did you order food?” 

 

He smiled and rubbed my leg, “Yes I did.”

 

“Did you get-” 

 

“And I got you an extra egg roll, I promise.” 

 

“Yay, you're the best!”

 

I tilted my head a bit and gave him a kiss on the cheek. He smiled as he grabbed the remote and turned on the TV, pulling my legs to drape across his lap. But with the way I positioned, my shirt was getting twisted.

 

“I don't know why I haven't changed yet…” I said looking down at my outfit, “I'll be right back.”

 

I hurried to pull myself away from him and go to our bedroom. I threw my clothes in the dirty hamper and hurried to slip on one of his shirts and some loose running shorts. It didn't seem like we'd be going anywhere else for the night, so I went to the bathroom to wash off my makeup. I stared at my blemished skin. It was a little nerve wrecking at first to be completely bare faced in front of him. His bare face was outstanding, so in comparison my skin was lack luster. But he wouldn't stop kissing my face the first time I was in front of him without makeup. So now I didn't wear makeup as much. I learned to look at myself in the mirror and love who I saw staring back at me. And he loved me just the same, blemishes, flaws and all.

 

I came back and saw Hoppie in my spot. Jimin just shrugged as I sat on the other side of Hoppie. 

 

“You can move him you know.” 

 

I pouted, “Nope. Just gonna stay over here.” 

 

He couldn't hold back his laugh, “Are you jealous of the dog?” 

 

I blushed hard, “N-no I'm not!” 

 

“You totally are! Hahaha!” 

 

“Who’d want to sit next to you anyways, jerk,” I pouted with my arms crossed.

 

“Awww don't be like that! Just come sit in my lap. I want you next to me.”

 

There he goes again. A personality trait that still hasn't changed in all these years. Just like before the way it felt like he was pulling me into his pace. The way he looked at me innocently and yet with such a powerful stare, hasn't changed either. 

 

“.......”

 

“Be a good girl, Hm?” 

 

His smirk was delicious. I was melting.

 

_ Damn him. _

 

But two could play this game.

 

I got up, making sure to move extra slowly, purposely showing off my legs. I saw him shift in his spot as I got closer. I stood in front of him, looking down with a smirk of my own.

 

“Where do I sit again?”

 

He licked his lips, spread his legs slightly and patted his lap, “Right here baby.” 

 

I leaned over putting my hands on his shoulders, knowing full well that his shirt was dipping down and giving him a full show. I pouted, “Nope, I think I'll go back to my seat.” 

 

As I started pulling up with a grin, he reached out and pulled me into his lap. Hoppie growled at all the sudden movement and left to go lie elsewhere. I laughed as I adjusted my legs to straddle him. He sat back, eyes glossed over as he watched as I laughed and smiled. 

 

I tucked my hair behind my ear, “What's wrong?”

 

“Come here….” 

 

He didn't waste time, rubbing his hands up my thighs and around to my ass, giving it a good squeeze. I felt his hips involuntarily buck up into me. In a heartbeat I was turned on and so ready to give him what he wanted. Ready to get what we both wanted.

 

“Jimin….” 

 

His breath hitched at the way my voice turned so sultry and dirty, his name becoming such a turn on. 

 

He put his hand on the back of my head and brought me closer, but only close enough to leave me begging for contact. He swiped his thumb across my bottom lip making me ache for more. 

 

“Quit teasing me….”

 

“I thought you knew I liked teasing…”

 

I bit my lip, eyes closed, my legs twitching, “I hate it the most.”

 

He kissed the corner of my mouth, my chin, everywhere but my lips, “Hate is such a…. Strong word….”

 

My heart couldn’t take much more, “I’m begging you. Please. Jimin.” 

 

I opened my eyes to see his eyes in front of mine. 

 

I used to have nightmares about his eyes. I used to struggle thinking about the time he was covered in his blood. There was so much pain in his eyes, so much suffering, anger, hatred, the whole world would burn at his feet. But the eyes in front of me now were so warm, loving, at peace, cherished and supportive. Now, all I wanted to do was be in front of those very eyes that looked loving into mine. 

 

He was mine. And I was his.

 

“I love you.”

 

“I love you too Jimin.”

 

We came together with a kiss. Our breathing loud in each other’s ears as we desperately clung to each other. His tongue was more controlling, swirling mine around, licking my lips, even biting them. I moaned at the bite, hinting for him to be more gentle. His smile against my lips was contagious. I felt myself smiling with him as he gently kissed my bottom lip as if he was saying sorry.

 

I’d always forgive him.

 

“Jagiya…” his intoxicating voice seeped out around my neck as he started kissing his way down. 

 

I tilted my head back exposing more of my neck. Again I felt his teeth, but only this time he switched between his tongue and his lips. The first love bite of many that were probably to come. I grabbed at his shoulders, steadying myself as he continued sucking on my neck.

 

He paused on one spot, leaving very light kisses. I knew it was the spot where he had dug his nails into my neck all those years ago. I knew he’d always be careful on that spot, forever would he regret hurting me like that. So all he could do was kiss me gently to make up for it.

 

“Jimin…. More….”

 

It was okay to move on. I rubbed his arms to let him know I was fine. 

 

Slowly he started wrapping his arms around my waist and started lifting his body. I adjusted my legs to wrap around him as he stood up; burying my head in his neck as he carried me, holding onto his body. So easily could he support me.

 

“You smell so good….”

 

He grunted in my ear, his arms squeezing tighter around me. It wouldn’t be long for him to start stipping off my clothes at this point, now that he was pushing me down on the bed. His hand slid up my shirt, his fingertips sending shivers down my whole body. I was anticipating him.

 

His whispers in my ear were heavenly, “God why are you-”

 

_ DING DONG DING DONG _

 

I threw my head back and he let his fall in disappointment. At the same time we started laughing.

 

“Chinese….”

 

He got up and took a deep breath. I lay back and just stared at him, my whole body feeling so empty without him on top of me. He left and I could hear him chatting with the delivery boy. I closed my eyes. At this point we could either start eating and go with our original plan of dinner and a movie. Or….

 

My eyes shot open as I jumped off the bed. I walked out of the room and stood in the open, biting my lip.

 

“Baby?”

 

I saw him gulp. He recognized that tone my voice took. He knew.

 

He waved his hands in front of the delivery boy, “Just keep the change!” He hurried to close the door. 

 

“But sir! This is too big a tip I can’t-”

 

“YOU DID A GOOD JOB! THANKS!”

 

He dropped the food on the floor and turned around. He saw just how desperate I looked. Just how much I was craving him. Just how much I was getting wet, thinking about his body on mine. He knew dinner would have to wait. 

 

But who said dessert couldn’t come first?

 

I smirked as he ran up to me, grabbing me in his arms once again and hurrying back to the bed. I giggled as he lifted up my shirt in a rush and started leaving sloppy kisses over my skin. His plump lips were so amazing I could never get tired of feeling them glide along my body.

 

I opened my eyes as I felt him leave for a second. He opened the drawer, taking out the square packet and tossing it on the bed next to me. The way he lifted his shirt off his body as he came back, standing above me, had me practically gushing.

 

His bangs falling in his dark eyes, his muscles twitching, his tongue teasing me as it slid across his lip, all of him was enough to drive me overboard. 

 

Even as the room was getting darker and darker I could see the hunger in his eyes. I reached out for him, hoping he’d fill that emptiness I was still feeling. But he just slowly crawled on the bed over me, slowly taking off my shirt. He took his time marveling at my body; it was as if he was in an art exhibit and he was contemplating every curve and edge.

 

My body was on fire. 

 

“Damn you Jimin…..” I groaned as I closed my eyes, half from embarrassment, half from frustration.

 

He chuckled low in my ear as he started sliding my shorts off. One hand was enough to do it, while the other started rubbing me all over, being extra evil as he pinched my breasts over and over.

 

As he pulled my panites down he saw the stain, his breath was unsteady as he could feel a pulse in his cock. 

 

“How am I supposed to deal with you… when you’re this wet?” He looked up to my eyes, “I haven’t even touched you yet.”

 

I whined, “Touch me already jerk….”

 

I hated and loved his smirk, “I guess I don’t need to warm you up then.”

 

He stood up again off of the bed to slide off his sweats. He loved the way I just ogled at his entire body. His dick twitching as he saw my eyes on it. Without dragging it on further, he started reaching over for the condom that was next to my head.

 

But I stopped him. I grabbed the packet and sat up. I scooted to be on the edge of the bed just in front of his body. He looked down at me, happy and lustful as I reached out to grab his whole length in my hand. His moan was so sexy as I slowly licked his tip. He liked being teased a little, but it always came back to his control. 

 

His fingers snaked their way into my hair and onto the back of my head. The more I swirled my tongue around him, the more he started fucking my mouth. My cheeks hollowed out, I did my best to slide my tongue in rhythm to his dull thrusts. It wasn’t long until spit was spilling out down onto my bare chest. 

 

“Fuck…. You’re mouth is… so good…. Shit….”

 

I put my hand on his pelvis to stop him before he started going too hard. My gag reflex wasn’t all that good, and I still wanted him for myself. I pulled my mouth away with a pop and tore the packet open with my teeth. Again his cock twitched seeing such a filthy yet sexy thing take place in front of him. I put the condom to my lips and slid it on his dick with my mouth. He loved it when I did that. 

 

Now it was him who was desperate.

 

I crawled backwards on the bed as he hurried to get on top of me. He spread my legs open with his knees, pushing them far apart; I was completely exposed to him. He lined up at my entrance, his eyes greedy and hungry for me. I reached out for his flexed arms, scratching down them as he slowly pushed in. 

 

My moans were echoing in the room as he went in deeper and deeper.

 

His hands moved my legs for me, making me wrap around him as he laid down on top of me. Just the motion of him lying down, sent an amazing sensation run through my body. He wrapped his arms around and under my shoulders, letting me naturally wrap my arms around his neck. 

 

His thrusts were slow but hard. Every crash made my head spin. But that’s how he liked it. He liked going slow, drowning in the sensations of pulling out and pushing back in. Hearing the wet noises and listening to my begging and my moans. He loved being in the moment of “us.”

 

I could feel his hair tickling my cheek, his lips were permanently kissing my neck, sucking on it, biting my shoulder; lovebites on top of lovebites. The mix of pleasure and pain was in perfect harmony. We were in harmony. Our bodies and emotions becoming one. I squeezed my legs around him trying to get him even closer, if that were possible.

 

He complied, thrusting faster; his grip on my shoulders giving him the leverage he needed to go harder. And as he went harder, the bed started creaking louder. It accompanied our grunting and our moans.

 

Expletives rolled off his tongue so easily, with every thrust a new one. It was the sexiest thing I could have heard.

 

“Jimin… god you’re so sexy….”

 

His laughter sounded more like a grunt, “You’re such a dirty girl. You know that?”

 

“W-What?”

 

He moved his head so his forehead was pressed against mine, his eyes closed, and his lips moving across mine as he talked, “You like it when I cuss or bite you…. Or dominate you.”

 

I scratched my nails across his back, “Dominating huh?”

 

He hissed loudly, “Shit… baby….”

 

“Maybe…. I do…. Is that so bad?”

 

His breath spread over my face; a quick kiss, “Let’s be bad… together.”

 

I bit his lip and started sucking on it as he moaned, his dick pulsing inside of me. We weren’t going to last much longer. And I was so ready to feel that high with him.

 

“I’m… I’m so close….” he whimpered against my lips.

 

“Me too… baby.. Please…”

 

In a second he was grabbing my body and rolling us over so I was lying on top of him; my legs getting in a straddling position. His hands kept me down, one hand firm on the back of my neck while the other was firm on my lower back. We sucked on each other’s tongues and lips, our spit mixing and spilling out of our mouths. 

 

No longer able to take it, he brought his feet up, put his hands on my ass and held me in place as he fucked me hard, my body being lifted as his whole lower body kept me up. He was going so hard, the sounds of our bodies hitting against each other could be heard in the whole apartment. It hurt, but it was good. Every time he’d hit that certain spot, it sent me to nirvana. 

 

“Fuck…. Jagiya..!!”

 

In seconds I was feeling such a rush as my orgasm hit as I felt him coming. He held me tightly to his body as he thrust a few more times, milking out every last drop. 

 

His body collapsed, no longer able to keep us in that position. 

 

I felt his legs twitching, his dick pulsing, my heart racing. My whole body was shaking and I was seeing stars. 

 

Seconds turned into minutes as we both found our breath once again. I kissed him over and over, his own lips doing the same, both of us seeking the other. No longer was it just lust driven by sexual desire, but out of love. We were imprinted on each other. 

 

We belonged to each other. 

 

This moment was ours. 

  
  


I gently peeled my body off of his and lay on the bed next to him. I closed my eyes, feeling him get up. A few moments later he was carefully opening my legs and cleaning me off. Already he could see bruising from his hands gripping me so hard, my pelvis looking strained. He softly touched my legs and hips, always feeling a little sorry at how hard he goes.

 

I reached out for him and he happily lay down next to me, pulling the covers over us.

 

“What about the food?”

 

“Is Jiminah hungry~”

 

“Jiminah is hungry.”

 

I giggled, “Just… give me a second. My body is a little…”

 

He understood. He always understood. He wrapped his arms around me and held me warmly. It was as if I was wrapped in a heater. And it would do my body good in a few hours. I’ve come to realize that if I didn’t cuddle with him after sex, my body would hurt more later. And besides, it gave us the chance to just be with each other. Just in enveloped in love. It was so peaceful hearing his breathing, hearing his heartbeat. 

 

“Eternity.”

 

“Baby,” he asked with confusion.

 

“You give me this feeling of eternity, and it’s just so amazing. You’re so amazing.” I opened my eyes and stared at his collarbone, “You’ve worked so hard. And you still work hard. I’m so proud of you. And I’m so happy that I’m your girlfriend.”

 

He moved his hand to tilt my head up so he could look into my eyes, “How am I so lucky? I’ve done such terrible things in my life and now, here I am… How?”

 

“You saved yourself from that nightmare. It was all you.”

 

He moved down a little so that he could be eye to eye with me, our noses grazing each other’s, “Jagiya?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“You saved me.”

 

My eyes started to shake as the tears started pooling in my eyes. I pushed my lips to his as the tears came. I kissed him with all that I had. I wanted him to know how important he was to me. Just how much I cherished him. Just how much he was truly loved. 

 

Our breathing was ragged, but we smiled. 

 

Our happiness couldn’t be measured by logic, or through normal means. Because our relationship was far from logical and normal. But as abrasive as it was, as erratic, and chaotic, and overwhelming as it was; we fought hard. We fought against ourselves, against the demons plaguing our sleep, the terrors of trust and love, and we overcame it. We won. Winners don’t always smile, but we at least we have each other in those times. And I wouldn’t want it any other way.

 

We were happy.

 

We were in love.

 

And we were saved. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *cries buckets and buckets* THAT'S ALL FOLKS *keeps crying*  
> It was a long road for me and it was such an amazing journey. This experience was unbelievable and life changing for me, really. All of you are such amazing, loving, the best kind of people. If it wasn't for you guys I wouldn't have come this far, so from the bottom of my heart Thank You.   
> And a special shout out to my sister for being my first fan/supporter, always telling me to have more confidence and encouraging me from the very beginning. I love you so much sis <3  
> And another shout out to DatJimilly on youtube and her fantastic video I Saved Her that inspired this whole story. If not for her talent, this wouldn't have existed! So thank you so so much.  
> Oh and as far as a Jungkook chapter or story line, ummmmm maybe????? LOL If I'm being honest with yall, this ff was a little tough and I'm gonna take a breather before I start up again. I hope you can understand. But it doesn't mean that we won't see more of this Jungkook in the future ^^
> 
> Ok ok this is too long, so I'll end it here. Thank you, all of you, for your love and support.
> 
> I'll see you guys in the next ff!
> 
> Bye Bye Please Be Happy! ~Miya


	7. Jungkook | Saved

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We know the days that lead up to the crime.
> 
> But now we can finally see the days that resulted from it.
> 
> Jungkook's POV on life and how to live it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING! there is a lot of dark themes here in this story (just like in the original I Saved Her) so please reread the tags if you need to!  
> Safe and happy readings ^^

I don't like my name. 

 

“Jungkook…”

 

Every time someone says it, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. A type of taste that makes you scrunch up your face in disgust. And I'm disgusted. Disgusted at myself and all the anxious feelings I can't escape from. Anxiety and PTSD. Depression and thoughts of self harm. Its disgusting what I go through. The fear of something triggering me and leaving me paralyzed and crying. Wailing and screaming. And yet out of everything, the thing I hate the most, is still my name.

 

“ _ Jungkook _ …”

 

Her voice haunts my head. Her screams plague my nightmares. 

 

Jungkook.

_ Jungkook _ .

**Jungkook** .

 

It was the last thing I heard before I blacked out. The last thing I could remember of that night. The night of pain, fire, and loss. The night I lost her forever. The night she was stolen away from me before she was ever mine. 

 

“ _ Jungkook _ …”

 

Every time I hear it, it reminds me of how weak I was. How weak I still am. I couldn't do anything. I thought over and over, a thousand times over, what I could have done differently. What could I have said? Could I have prevented her from dying? Or was her fate already written in the stars, and I have always been doomed to hear her voice echo my name? Echo even in the silence of my mind. 

 

“ _ Jungkook _ …”

 

I really hate my name. Like I really hate myself.

  
  
  
  


_____

  
  
  
  
  


My life consists of two things. Work and sleep. Because I refuse to give myself time to do anything else. I don't  _ want  _ to do anything else. So work it is.

 

I'm a janitor at Busan Arts College. It’s not what I had imagined for myself, but with the circumstances, it’s fine. It pays me enough to pay for my rent and some groceries. I don’t really need anything else.

 

And today is like any other. I arrive five minutes early for my shift. It’s a night shift, and I prefer it that way. Working the day shift was a nightmare. There’s less students on campus at night, and very little chance of a girl coming up to me. Before, there were always girls giggling and whispering about me. They’d stare. Always staring. A few times a girl would actually come up to me and try talking to me. And every time, they’d just leave disappointed or heart broken. Because they’d see I wasn’t just some good looking guy. Not that I think that I am, but that’s what they all whisper about. No. They’d see that I was uninterested, boring, and mean.

 

I’m ok with that. 

 

I’m ok with them thinking I’m those things. Because I really am those things. I’m not interested in girls anymore. I’m not interested in dating or flirting. I’m not interested in love anymore. The thought makes me want to throw up. And the thought of being close with a girl ever again is nonexistent. They are just shadows of the world, of my world.

 

I’m not one to entertain the idea that I’m a good person. So every time a girl comes up to me, I make sure they know they’re wasting their time. So now, I hardly see girls around me. They know better.  _ ‘Just a handsome face,’  _ they say. 

 

I’m ok with that.

 

I’m ok with being alone. It’s easier this way.

 

The life I have now is easy. Because it’s just a list of things; an order I go through. With work for example, I begin the shift collecting the garbage from all the classrooms first. It’s mostly just papers; easy stuff to deal with. Next I make my rounds to pick up trash from the cafeteria and the lounge area. It smells and it’s disgusting, so I save that for last. After taking out all the trash and replacing them with clean bags, I start wiping down all the desks and tables. If someone had left something on a table, I leave it alone and continue with the next. I learned my lesson with that one. It’s not worth getting in trouble, even if it’s some asshole’s fault for losing their own shit. No, I just work around it. After the tables are cleaned, I start vacuuming all the rooms that have carpet. And again, saving the cafeteria and lounge for last, I mop the floors. If I have to, I’ll get down on my hands and knees and scrub. But I don’t have to do that too often. 

 

I work diligently. It keeps me focused. Because once I’m done with work, it’s close to 4 AM. I clock out for the night and head back to my apartment. Along the way I always stop at the same 24 hour convenience store to eat the same ramen. It acts as my dinner, even if it’s 4:30 in the morning. I don’t have a car, I prefer walking. It walks away the calories of the ramen. And it helps me stay tired. I prefer the feeling of my body tired and exhausted. Because by the time I reach my apartment, by the time I’ve stripped out of my uniform and taken a quick shower, and have gotten to my bed, I’m passed out and asleep until I have to get up the next day. 

 

I’ll eat breakfast around 1:30 or 2Pm in the afternoon. My breakfast consists of either more ramen, or some type of microwaveable meal. Easy. The frozen meals aren’t that bad. But I haven’t really enjoyed food in a long time. I just see it as another task in my list of things to do. So once I’ve eaten, I’ll start getting ready for work. If I have laundry to do, I’ll do it then. It’s the only chore I really do, only because I  _ have  _ to do it. As you could tell from the dust collecting on pretty much every surface besides my bed and the kitchen counters, I don’t do any kind of cleaning. My apartment barely has anything in it  _ to  _ clean. Easy. 

 

Not much thought process has to go into anything I do. Because it’s all just part of my list. A box to be checked in my head to get me through the day. Day after day going by like this. 

 

And I’m ok with that.

 

I’m ok.

  
  
  
  


_____

  
  
  
  


I wake up to another day. What day, I’m not sure. My days just blend together now. So rather than keep up with that, I keep up with time. And it’s 2:23Pm now. I’m running late on my schedule.

 

I groan as I lift my heavy body. It’s aching more than usual. A sign that I’m going to have a bad day, I know it. Either way, it doesn’t stop me from getting up and heading to my kitchen. Opening up the freezer, I see only one box of frozen macaroni left. I’d have to go grocery shopping. Definitely a bad day. It meant that it was time again to break out of my orderly schedule. 

 

I tear the little box apart and throw the macaroni in the microwave before going back to my room to get changed. I look at all five long sleeved shirts I have hanging in my closet. With eyes half lidded, I pull one off harshly from the hanger and slip it on. My muscles are protesting at the action, but it feels slightly good. I put some jeans on just as my microwave goes off.

 

I inhale sharply, dropping the plastic container of hot macaroni. I shake my fingers a bit, a little burned from the food. 

 

“Fuck that’s hot….”

 

But with the thought that I have to go grocery shopping, I quickly start eating. I have a schedule to keep. Even if my mouth is burning, I force it down. Another box to check. I’ve eaten. Done.

 

Next.

 

My apartment is about 40 minutes walking distance from the campus. And thankfully the grocery store is only 10 minutes out of the way from my apartment. I didn’t have to go far. And I don’t have to spend a long time there anyways. I’m not like everyone else who takes their time, considers what meals they’re gonna cook. I always get the same thing. I always load up on frozen meals, ramen, and juice. 

 

Again, my body is protesting as I carry the heavy plastic bags back the 10 minutes to my apartment. It’s already past 3PM and I’m running late. I have my schedule to keep. So I start running the last 3 minutes to get to my apartment faster. To get inside and hurry and put away my groceries that would last me for two weeks.

 

I toss off my long sleeved shirt and jeans, happy to be rid of them. It’s hot now, and wearing long sleeves is terrible. Heat in general is terrible. I prefer the cold months of the year. Because then it’d make sense to wear long sleeves. It’d make sense, to cover my arms. I’ve gotten used to it actually. But I’ll never get used to sweating. I hate it. And I sweat a lot. But I don’t have time to shower. I rush to put my jumpsuit uniform on and throw on a cap. 

 

I’ll barely keep to my schedule if I run part of the way to the campus. My body is going to hate me by the time my day is over. But that’s ok. I’m used to hate.

  
  
  
  


I stop running as I look at my watch. I can walk the rest of the way, and I’ll be fine. It’s actually a relief to me. I can feel my heart more calm now. Keeping to my schedule is important to me. Because it’s the only thing that’s keeping me alive. I’d go crazy without it. So I stay loyal to time. It’s my guide. And I can actually feel myself wanting to smile. Because maybe it won’t be a bad day after all.

 

“Jungkook?”

 

Or have I spoken too soon?

 

Because the voice that called out to me was from someone I hadn’t seen or talked to in at least two years. But what day is it again?

 

“It’s you… Jungkook…”

 

I turn around to see my old doctor, Namjoon. He generally looks the same as when I had left Seoul. Same dimples, same tanned skin, tall and lean body, with the same serious and concerned look in his eyes. Although his hair was longer now, and combed back, he was still Kim Namjoon. The same man who counseled me and helped me to heal. Mostly.

 

“What are you doing here?”

 

I feel some panic in my chest, but my face stays unmoved with no emotion. “I’m headed to work.”

 

“You told me you were headed to New York. That you were dancing...” Namjoon was upset and frustrated, but his sense to stay calm, his sense as a doctor kept him steady. “Jungkook, you lied. Why? Do we need to start our sessions-”

 

“I'm fine. I don't need therapy anymore. I don't need that place.”

 

“But the fact you lied and-”

 

“I said I was fine! I'm not cutting anymore! I promised I wouldn't! Look!” I lifted up the sleeves of my jumpsuit so he could see what I always have hidden away.

 

Namjoon almost turned away, but he didn't. He stared at the small thin lines that made up the scars on my arms. Evidence of my darkest times. 

 

“Yes, I can see that. But just because you're not physically hurting yourself anymore, doesn't mean you aren't hurting yourself mentally.” He sighed as he put his hand on my shoulder, “What’s wrong? I thought we discussed everything we needed to discuss.”

 

I swiped his hand off of me harshly, maybe too harshly, “I’m fine.” I said it with so little emotion, it sent shivers down Namjoon’s body. “This is just how I’m living my life now. I work as a janitor. I go home and eat, sleep, then repeat the process. I’m fine.”

 

“You keep saying you’re fine…” But with no response from me, he decided to leave it alone and try something else. The doctor didn’t want to give up talking to me just yet. “What about your art? Have you continued painting?”

 

“.....”

 

“We hung up your ballerina piece. So many of our patients love looking at it.” He stared at me, though I stared back with dead eyes. It pained him to see me looking this way. “Jungkook…. I can’t force you to come back to Seoul and see me again. But you know our doors are always open to you.”

 

“Thanks,” I said sparingly, not even taking another glance towards my old doctor as I turned to leave.

 

The clock is ticking, and my internal schedule is screaming at me to leave. I have to leave. I don’t have anymore time to waste.

 

Namjoon’s forehead was permanently creased as he stared, watching me leave him. “I’m in Busan for three more days! At the Lotte Hotel! Come see me if you want!”

 

But I didn’t turn back. I didn’t even throw up a hand to signal that I had heard. Namjoon knows I did, but there’s nothing he can do but be on standby. Because that’s always been his job. Sure, he can ask his questions, but his job is to wait for the patient to open up. It’s always on their terms. But Namjoon has patience. And he has faith that if I really needed help, I’d seek it. 

 

Sliding his hands in his pockets, he turns around and heads back to his hotel.

 

Yet, me on the other hand, starts sprinting towards the school. My heart already racing before I forced my legs to run. Because never in a million years I thought I’d see my old doctor again. He travels a lot for conferences, sure, but I didn’t think we’d run into each other this soon after I left that place. What are the odds? Apparently not good. Because that’s my life. 

 

My life that’s made up of agony and tears. And I can feel myself crying now as I run. Because the memories of being in the hospital, the memories of screaming myself awake in my hospital room are flooding into my brain. Images of fire and death cloud over my eyes. It’s hard to breathe. It’s so hot. My body is hurting so much. My head is pulsing so much with pain that I can no longer concentrate on running. My schedule is broken. A schedule I so loyally kept to so I wouldn’t have to go back to those times.

 

It’s getting harder to breathe. I gasp for air as I fall to the ground. My knees hit the concrete hard, and my body falls over. And I’m left as only a broken man. Nothing but my past to haunt me as I black out.

 

Today is definitely a bad day.

  
  
  
  


_____

  
  
  
  


Five years ago. 21. Kim Hospital.

 

They say I’ll get cured here. They say this will be my new home until I can get better. Because my parents don’t know how else to help me. They believe me when I tell them about Y/N’s murder. But with the police calling it an accident, my protesting and my pain isn’t recognized. I might as well be making it up. The only thing they believe is my sudden obsession with cutting myself. 

 

So what else is there than to cure my madness?

 

I walk in and keep my head low. Honestly, I have no interest in anything. I’m quiet. A vow of silence. I don’t respond. I barely look into people’s eyes. Not even my parents. I can’t. Not after what happened.

 

I’m crying despite my parents around, despite the receptionist and a doctor being around. Because people no longer exist. It’s just my tears that are with me.

 

“I can’t promise you he’ll be who he was before. But I can promise that he’ll find the tools he needs to heal before leaving this place.”

 

“Thank you,” my mother cried, clinging to my father.

 

My father had a grim look on his face as he glanced my way then back to the doctor, “Please take care of him.”

 

The doctor handed my parents his card with a reassuring smile, “If you want to plan visits or calls, you can set up appointments here. My personal email is also attached, so feel free to send me any questions.”

 

“Thank you. Thank you so much.”

 

The doctor stood up with my parents, all of them looking at me as I silently cried to myself. It broke my parents hearts as they turned to leave. But they felt this was their only chance to get their son back. 

 

If it’s possible.

 

Because even as I cry, I stare emotionless at nothing. How can I ever be happy again? How can I ever be normal again? 

 

The doctor called for some nurses, but not before he introduced himself. He leaned down in front of me and searched my eyes for a while. I kept my gaze steady, mostly because I didn’t seem to have any feeling in my face.

 

“My name is Kim Namjoon. I’ll be the head doctor over you. Though, I do have a couple of assistants.”

 

“.....”

 

“You may think that I’m here to force you to talk. To force you to heal. But I’m not.”

 

My fingers twitched and I stopped crying. But my eyes were still glued to the wall. 

 

Namjoon was confident, “I’m here to give you the space and the time you need to heal. If you wish to talk to me, I’ll be here for you. And if you ever want my help, all you have to do is ask.” He stood up as two male nurses came into the room. He smiled softly as he looked down at me, “There’s more to tell you as far as our daily schedules and meals go, but for now, these two gentlemen will be escorting you to your room.”

 

I stood up without resistance, though they had plenty of muscle on them to handle two more of me if needed. But I didn’t have the energy to do so. I went pliantly and kept my head down to keep myself from looking at anything. Only when I got to my room did I look around. It was simple, just a bed under a window and chair tucked under a small plastic desk. That’s it. But it’s not like I really needed anything else. 

 

They provided the clothes I’d wear. Simple white cotton pants that tied at the waist, and a pull over shirt that buttoned up six buttons. This was only to the patients that were staying here. The patients that they thought needed a careful watch. And that was me.

  
  
  
  


The first week went by in a flurry of tears and screaming in my room. I refused to leave. I refused to see anyone. But of course that wouldn’t go encouraged. Despite my resistance, the strong male assistant nurses restrained me and hooked me up to an IV to get fluids in my body. Because otherwise, I’d starve to death. 

 

But I want to die. 

 

With no way to cut myself, this was the next best thing I could think of. The hospital was smart enough to not have sheets on their beds. So choking to death wasn't an option. Sure, I could have probably hit my head constantly on the wall or something but I lacked the energy to even do it. 

 

It's just me and my thoughts, my body and the IV’s.

 

I’d stay sedated until weeks later. Because by the time a month rolled around, I had finally realized I was stuck in here for good. There wasn't any way I was going to escape my fears and die. They wouldn't let me die like I wanted. So I started eating on my own. 

 

Namjoon decided to take me off the IV’s and heavy meds when I started mumbling. When I started eating. He took it as a sign that I was ready to be heard. But despite my mumbling, despite my will to eat on my own now, I still remained silent in our therapy sessions.

 

I still remained a shadow of who I once was.

 

We were just sitting in the room in silence, but he never looked annoyed or uncomfortable. He was always patient. Kind. His smile never wavered. And after weeks of silence I felt I could trust him. 

 

And today I can’t sit still. I feel more comfortable standing up and looking out his window. 

 

“Have you ever been in love?”

 

Hearing my voice after weeks of silence was strange. It was raspy and foreign. A lower pitch than normal. But it actually felt nice to talk.

 

Namjoon crossed his leg over the other, “Yes I have. And you?”

 

I keep staring out the window, ignoring his question, “Are you dating someone right now?”

 

“No.”

 

“How come?”

 

He smiled a bit, thinking fondly of someone, “She and I… Well… I think we were on two separate pages. She was too wrapped up with her work while I on the other hand was looking to settle down.”

 

I turned from the window to see an almost sad glint to his eyes, “She didn't want to settle down?”

 

“I'm not really sure,” he said with some regret in his voice. “For her, work is everything. She was the top of her class, very very smart, got the best internships…. Just… I think our priorities were too different.”

 

“Are you still in love with her?”

 

He looked at me with empathy and heartfelt emotion, “Yeah I am.”

 

I stared wide eyed, perhaps doe-like. My heart ached in my chest. Because the sad look in his eyes seemed to look like me. Or at least, how I feel. There’s so much regret in his eyes. And yet it looks like he’s been dealing with it for a long time. But somehow he’s still smiling.

 

_ ‘I want to be like him…’ _

 

“Jungkook?”

 

His face turned from a smiling one to one with concern and worry. I saw it change as he stared at me, as he got up and walked over to me. And it wasn’t until I turned away and stared into the window that I noticed that I was crying. Seeing myself cry just made me cry more. Because I look pathetic. I feel pathetic.

 

And…. I just miss her.

 

“Jungkook…” he whispered, staying just a foot away. 

 

And a foot away he stayed for the rest of our session. Even when I kept crying, crouching down close to the floor and cried, he never left my side. He stayed quiet and let me cry. It’s embarrassing and humiliating, but there’s some sort of relief that’s spreading through me. A type of weight being lifted. Even if it’s only being lifted a centimeter, it still feels one hundred times lighter. 

  
  
  
  


Our sessions became easier after that day. 

 

I didn’t feel pressured to talk if I didn’t want to. And he was kind enough to have conversations with me. It wasn’t just a doctor/patient relationship. He felt like a friend. Like an older brother. It was just the two of us talking; or more like, he did a lot of the talking and I just listened. 

 

He’s told me so much about him. Even said that what he was doing was unethical, but he made me promise to keep it to myself. I promised I would. It’s not like I have anyone other than him to talk to. 

 

“I noticed you’ve picked up painting?”

 

I nod.

 

“What sorts of things have you been painting?”

 

“Sunsets.”

 

He watched as I stared at my hands in my lap. He slipped his glasses on as he jotted something down on his notepad. “Sunsets? Do you enjoy them?”

 

“They’re pretty.”

 

He smiled, “Yes they are.”

 

“Did you and your ex ever go looking at sunsets?”

 

He slipped off his glasses and tucked them into the front pocket of his long white Doctor’s coat, “No we never did. Although, we did go stargazing once.”

 

“Was it pretty?”

 

“The prettiest.”

 

I looked up and saw him smile, he looked so happy. And his happiness was like a bright light, too bright for me to look at anymore. I tucked my chin into my chest and stared at my fingers.

 

“....she was the prettiest.”

 

“Who? Who was the prettiest?”

 

“You know who,” I said with some defiance.

 

“And why can't you say her name?”

 

I held my tongue. 

 

“Jungkook?”

 

His voice seemed to echo in my head. My name being spoken like that. As if I was far away and he was trying to call for me. But his voice started morphing.  _ Jungkook _ .  _ Jungkook _ . Her voice rang perfectly in my head. It was a cry for help. And somehow the beautiful smile she had was turning into panic. She was so scared. She looks terrified as she reaches out to me. Still crying out my name, still crying for me to save her.

 

As she was being raped, she still tried to call for me. And in doing so it just got her killed. Killed by that psychopath….

 

My blood started boiling. My body shaking. Because it's all  _ his _ fault. _ It's his fault.  _

 

Why am I the one locked up? Why does he get to walk around innocent?!

 

I hate him! I hate him so much!

 

But his smirk lingers. Its as if he's standing right in front of me. Park Jimin. Still egotistical, controlling, charming, and dangerous. He stands in front of me, here, in Namjoon’s office as I seethe on the couch. He just laughs at me as I cry and struggle. I'm so angry. And he just keeps laughing!

 

“I’ll kill you!!!!”

 

I launched myself up from the couch at Jimin who stood a few feet away. I felt his neck in between my hands as I squeezed as tight as I could.

 

“Jungkook! Stop…”

 

By the time I came back to my senses, I could only make out a pen falling from my hand before I blacked out. 

  
  
  
  


Coming out of a forced sleep is always the worst. I feel so heavy. Like a bag of potato's. Each limb is twenty pounds heavier than they should be. But the more I try and move, I realize that it isn't just my body that's tired. I physically can't move my limbs because I've been strapped to the bed. 

 

“Good morning.”

 

My eyes drag around behind my eyelids before I can figure out how to open them again. With a struggle, I look to my side to see Namjoon sitting on a stool by the bed. He looks tired. Like as if he hasn't slept in days. And honestly, this is probably the worst I've seen him since I was omitted to this hospital.

 

“Nam...joon…?”

 

“Thats right, I'm here.”

 

“What….” I trailed off, my throat too dry to talk at the moment.

 

“Tell me, what do you remember?”

 

I closed my eyes tiredly, trying to think. But as soon as I do I see Park Jimin’s face. I snap my eyes open. I roughly grab at the chain of my restraints and lash out.

 

“I'll kill him!!”

 

“Who?”

 

“Park Jimin!”

 

“No...you tried to kill  _ me _ Jungkook.”

 

The tight grip I had loosened, my rage dissipated, and I was left confused. My body was still tense, but I stayed ready. Ready for Park Jimin to show up again.

 

“No, I- that's not possible. Park Jimin was-”

 

“He's not here,” Namjoon tried to reassure me.

 

“But I saw him! He was laughing at me and-”

 

“Jungkook, listen to me. You started hallucinating and attacked me.”

 

“No...I wouldn't…”

 

“You lunged at me. You put your hands on my throat, you grabbed a pen, and tried to stab me.” To show proof, he pulled down his turtleneck so that I could see the bruising and the damage I had left.

 

I shook my head, tears starting to escape my eyes. “N-No! I'm not… I'm not some crazy person who attacks people. I'm… I'm not him!!! I'M NOT A MONSTER!!”

 

I thrashed around as much as I could; the restraints keeping me tied down despite my movement. I squeezed my eyes shut and screamed. A scream full of agony. It was hoarse and broken, but it echoed even past the door and into the hallway. Because my suffering and pain couldn't just be contained inside of me, inside this room where I'm tied up like some criminal. Only allowed to cry. That's all I can do. 

 

“I’m sorry,” I wept. “I'm sorry…. I'm so sorry…. I’m sorry...”

 

Namjoon remained silent as he watched me cry. As all my strength left me and I lay still and soulless. He watched me chant the words ‘I'm sorry’ over and over. Because after saying it thirty times, he had to wonder who I was saying sorry to anymore. 

  
  
  
  


It took around three months for the hallucinations to stop. At least, stop making me so enraged I felt the need to act out. But Namjoon said it was good progress. Because while I may have been a danger to others, I was starting to get to the source. With each memory I obtained from that night, each feeling that coursed through my body, I was starting to confront my fear. The hallucinations were just a byproduct of remembering. But he told me instead of concentrating on the bad, to concentrate on the good.

 

“What did you like most about her?”

 

“Her smile. And her eyes.”

 

He smiled softly, keeping his eyes tentative, “That's lovely.”

 

“She was lovely,” I whispered mostly to myself. “She was kind. Honest. Stubborn.” I smiled to myself, “I mean, she was so stubborn that even after hours of practicing, she said she’d have to keep going until she got one spin right.”

 

“Do you miss dancing?”

 

“I miss her,” I almost whined. I gained the courage to look up from my lap and into his eyes, “I miss her so much.”

 

“You loved her,” he pointed out as fact.

 

I nodded a few times. Even if I already knew I loved her, it was almost a relief to hear him say it.

 

“I love her.”

 

“Still?”

 

“I still love her.” And finally my courage disappeared and I looked away. “But it’s my fault she died. I couldn’t save her from that monster.”

 

“Guilt is a common feeling when someone has been faced with trauma. The victim often associates what’s happened, to their own shortcomings.”

 

“I’m not the victim! She was!”

 

“No, Jungkook,  _ you  _ are a victim. You were in that room, just like her. And you fought for your life.”

 

I shook my head vigorously, “No! It was  _ her  _ that-”

 

“This is what we’ve been working towards, since the moment you silently walked into this hospital. The goal has always been for you to admit that you too are a victim and not some hero who failed.”

 

“But…” I wept, covering my face with my hands; my tears slipping through.

 

“Jungkook,” he said too softly that it broke my heart, “You were hurt. You almost died. No one believed your words about the murder. But believe me, you  _ are  _ a victim. But that doesn’t mean that you aren’t strong.”

 

I mumbled into my hands, weak, “I wasn’t.. I wasn’t strong enough to save her…”

 

“But you’re strong enough to be here, now. I’ve seen your strength.”

 

“I’m not strong…”

 

“Because you’ve tried to kill yourself?”

 

My hands slowly fell to my lap and I looked up with desperation. “I did nothing but try and kill myself. Because… Because why do I deserve to live when she died?”

 

Namjoon got up from his leather chair and walked over to the couch. He sat down gently and took a deep breath. “Suicide is cowardice. Park Jimin would have won if you were successful. No, I think in each breath that you take, you live for her now. You live for yourself.” He turned his body towards me and put his hand on my knee, “Park Jimin may have taken away your confidence, your passion, and your smile, but he didn’t take away your life. You  _ survived  _ Jungkook. And it’s ok that you survived. You fought so hard, and I’m proud of you.”

 

I never realized how much I needed to hear those words.

 

It’s as if I was a kid waiting for their parents to say that I did a good job on a test. I just needed to hear that affirmation. I did fight. I fought my hardest. And I’ve been so scared and have felt so guilty that I was still alive. 

  
  
  
  


I never cried as hard as when I cried in front of him that day.

 

Because it took me over half a year to finally realize that I wasn’t just some third party watching an attack happen. I was involved, I was attacked myself. 

 

I was a victim of a horrible crime. And now I could finally start to heal.

  
  
  
  


But healing isn’t easy.

 

It’s almost a year now since I’ve been here in this hospital, and I still have nightmares. I still wake up in a cold sweat. I still cry at night. I still feel dead inside. 

 

But at least I can go through the motions I need to in order to survive. I’m able to eat plenty; stuff my stomach so much like a bear about to go into hibernation. I can talk to others if I want, though, I normally don’t. I can paint at ease, talk to Namjoon without struggling, and even talk to my parents normally. 

 

They’re all proud of me for making so much progress. But Namjoon isn’t as convinced. And now that he’s the head director of the hospital, he has the last say in my rehabilitation. It’s not fair, but I still respect him. I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing.

 

And I guess, it’s not all bad. I at least have my painting. My true source of salvation and cure for boredom. 

 

My favorite part of the day. One hour isn’t nearly long enough, but I make the most of it every day.

 

But once I enter the room I immediately run into someone. 

 

“Ow! Shit, shit, that hurt!”

 

I have no idea who this lady is. Even when I see her face better, her eyes are looking at me curiously, I still have no clue of her identity. Perhaps a new doctor or counselor.

 

“Umm….”

 

But it’s not my problem, whoever she is. I just ignore her and head for the cabinet that holds all the materials. Paints, brushes, an easel, and an empty canvas. I set up comfortably and start squeezing out a lot of red onto my palette.

 

“Is your favorite color red,” the lady asked from her spot by the door.

 

“.....”

 

“What are you going to paint?”

 

I almost don’t hear her. Because I’ve gotten so used to ignoring most people. Everyone but Namjoon. And besides, this lady is just really annoying. I keep stroking the paint on the canvas without so much as giving her a glance.

 

“She was really beautiful. Your dance partner I mean.”

 

My heart quickened. Because suddenly I’m reminded of the beauty I missed. A beauty I miss every damn day. 

 

I stopped painting, put the brush and palette down and finally turned towards the strange lady. “Who are you?”

 

She cleared her throat, making me glance at the bandages on her neck for a second, “I’m Nam- I mean, I’m a friend of Director Kim. I used to work here.”

 

“Are you a counselor?”

 

“Yes I am.”

 

If she’s a counselor, then I don’t have anything else to say to her. I only talk to Namjoon. I turn back around and pick up my brush, “Go away.”

 

“Listen I’ll be honest, I’m here because I’m trying to help someone. And in order to help him, I need some information. What can you tell me about Park-”

 

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?!”

 

I spin around in time to see Namjoon pissed off; dragging that lady out of the room. I had never seen him look that scary before. Even when I attacked him, he was never pissed off at me. Not like what his eyes suggested just now. 

 

_ ‘What can you tell me about Park-’ _

 

I felt my chest tighten at the thought. She was cut off. What was she going to say?

 

And for the first time, I skipped out on the hour for art to tend to my curiosity. Because the tight feeling in my chest isn’t something I can ignore. Not like the people here in this hospital. No. I need to know what she was going to say. Although, my gut is just telling me to turn back. To tune out the thoughts of what if. But regardless of my gut feeling, my feet are just dragging me helplessly; following after my doctor. 

 

I stay far enough away so as not to be seen, but I’m close enough to hear them. 

 

“When Jungkook was brought here, I was the one to interview him and give him counseling. I’m pretty fond of the kid. And… I did what we are pledged not to do; I took matters into my own hands and tried to press charges on his behalf.”

 

“You what?! Really?” 

 

Leaned up against the building, I seem to lose all feeling in my legs. I slide down until my ass is touching the ground. Sitting and listening, I’m at a loss for words. I never knew he did any of that.  _ Why  _ would he do that? 

 

But the more I listened, the more I got my answers. That lady is Park Jimin’s therapist, his doctor. And she came here to talk to me about him. Namjoon tried to press charges on my behalf but was turned away by the police. Park Jimin’s family did everything they could to protect their family image. Park Jimin seems to be in some hospital like me and is getting help. 

 

I scratched my dull nails through my scalp as I leaned my head forward. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. 

 

At least he isn’t out and free. He’s being held somewhere, never to see the light of day again. 

 

I find the strength in my legs once more and decide to walk away. My head is starting to hurt, and someone might be looking for me now anyways. So for the time being, I’ll go back to my room and wait. I’ll keep doing what I’ve been doing. Waiting. I’ll wait to talk to Namjoon. I’ll wait to be released. I’ll stay obedient to time, because time won’t fail me. 

 

Time is my friend.

  
  
  
  


_____

  
  
  
  


Present day.

  
  


I wake up to see a ceiling fan slowly spinning. It’s not even spinning fast enough to create wind. It’s annoying how slow it’s going. But it’s even more annoying that I can’t remember how I got here. Wherever I am. A room that looks an awful lot like the nurses station at the college.

 

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t the hottie janitor. Good morning cutie.”

 

I blink several times to wash away the sleep from my eyes, “What happened?”

 

“Apparently you passed out in front of the college. Some students carried you to my office.”

 

I sat up slowly, confused, “I passed out?”

 

“Like a hammer on a nail. Bam!” She clapped her hands loudly. “Down to the concrete you go!”

 

I raised an eyebrow at the eccentric woman. She was probably in her 50s, what with the few wrinkles around her eyes and mouth. And her choice in clothing might have given away her age as well; very old fashioned. Her glasses hung on a colorful beaded necklace, sitting on top of a black and white polkadotted blouse that was tucked into long maroon slacks. She looked just like a nurse would, I suppose. But seeing her just reminded me of Namjoon. Because she wore a long white Doctor’s coat just like he always did.

 

“Namjoon…”

 

“What’s that cutie,” she asked, leaning in a little closer. Too close for my comfort.

 

I pushed the blanket off of me and swung my legs on the opposite side of the bed from her. But as I did, I felt my knees protest. I inhaled sharply at the stinging. They felt badly bruised.

 

“Oh is there something wrong?”

 

I just did my best to ignore the pain, not wanting to bother her any longer. “No no no, I think I just need to go home and rest.”

 

“Yes, that would be best. Perhaps a warm meal and some water would do you good.”

 

“Of course,” I tried to say with some thanks to my voice.

 

“If you feel like passing out again, feel free to come by my office anytime!” She laughed at her own forwardness; waving as I started making my way down the hall.

 

I bowed a little to her before disappearing out of her sight completely. My knees were protesting heavily, but the pain I felt in my heart was greater. I knew where I needed to go. Because as time would have it, my schedule was permanently changed. No more lists, no more boxes to be checked. 

 

The life I was living, wasn’t a life at all. 

 

And seeing Namjoon reminded me of that.

  
  
  
  


Lotte Hotel is as grand as you’d imagine. 

 

It’s connected to several high end restaurants, as well as high end retailers that sold jewelry, clothing, and other expensive merchandise. It’s a place I’d never imagined myself at. I don’t match this place. A place that seems to pride itself on cleanliness, modern art, grand foyers, and exquisite furnishing. A place that had someone playing a grand piano for it’s guests, a bar that was serving the most expensive wines and spirits, and a staff that seemed they belonged in a magazine. 

 

And yet, here I am, standing idely in line to wait my turn to talk to one of the girls behind the service counter.

 

“Next guest please.”

 

I didn't miss the way the girl looked at me. At first she seemed interested in my face, my looks. But she could tell a second later I didn't belong here, not with my disheveled hair, downtrodden look in my eyes, and a dirty old jumpsuit on. Now she looks a little put off, but her voice remained cheery.

 

“Can I help you?”

 

“Yeah, there's a man who's staying here. Kim Namjoon, and I'd like to know what room he's staying in.”

 

“I'm sorry sir, but we don't give away-”

 

“Fine, I get it. Can you at least just call him and tell him I'm here?”

 

She started reaching for the phone, looking at me nervously, “I can try, but it's late and he might already be asleep.”

 

“Wake him up then. I need to speak with him.”

 

It took her a second to type a few things into the computer and use the phone, “I'm sorry to wake you up sir but there's a-” She stopped mid sentence, looking at me with a slight annoyance to her eyes.

 

“Jungkook,” I grunted, a bit irritated and impatient by the whole ordeal.

 

“-A Jungkook-ssi here to see you.” She paused for a few moments and then hung up. “He's in room 806. The eighth floor.”

 

“Thanks,” I barely managed before leaving towards the elevators. 

 

I do feel slightly bad that I'm waking him up, but I'm sure he's happy I'm here. He'll probably ask me a ton of questions and I'll have to figure out how to answer them. I'll be honest, I'm nervous. When I left the hospital, it was only a month or so after that, that I told him the lie of going to New York. I figured if I said I was somewhere far away he wouldn't think to contact me. And he didn't. But a part of me always wish he had. Maybe its because I always saw him like an older brother. Or maybe it was the fact he helped get me back to normalcy. I don't really know. But point still stands that I look up to him, and yet I saw the worry and disappointment in his eyes when he saw me earlier today. 

 

How am I supposed to face him?

 

“Namjoon I-”

 

“You look like you're about to cry,” he teased as he stood in the doorway.

 

“I'm not gonna cry!”

 

He chuckled and smiled wide, “Ok good. I'm glad you came. Come on in.”

 

He stepped back against the door to make room for me to pass through. I was a bit nervous walking further in, but with him closing the door and making his way further inside, I just followed him slowly. 

 

Looking around, his stuff was scattered. The table in the room was covered in papers and folders, scrunched up bags of chips, a couple of cans of Red Bull, and his laptop. It looked like he was in the middle of writing an essay or something. Just like how the students look at the college when test time rolls around.

 

“I’m sorry if you were asleep or I interrupted you-”

 

“No, no, no, you’re fine. Come, sit. Let’s talk,” he said excitedly and full of reassurance. As I sat on the bed, he hurried to drag the desk chair over so he could sit closer to me. He crossed one leg over the other, making the white robe he was wearing loosen a little. “I’m glad you came to see me. Although I’ll be honest, I didn’t think you’d come at all, let alone on the same day I suggested you see me.”

 

“I passed out shortly after seeing you actually.”

 

He leaned forward, forehead now permanently creased, “Passed out?!”

 

It was actually comforting seeing him like that. It reminded me that no matter how much time passes, he was still the same worry wort from before. I smiled a little, “I’m fine, I just rested at the nurses and then came straight here.”

 

He let out a deep breath and sat back in his chair, more relaxed, “Damn Jungkook. At least you didn’t hit your head or something.” He watched me silently for a moment, perhaps considering his first question as I just sat quietly. “Big questions first-”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Why did you lie?”

 

Here we go. 

 

I couldn’t look at him, “Like you know, my parents moved out to the country and I hated the thought of being stuck out in the middle of nowhere. So um, I thought it’d be comforting for you to think that I was doing something with my life.”

 

“It’s not comforting to know that the past two years I believed in a lie.”

 

“I know, I’m sorry I lied.”

 

He heard the regret in my voice, “I appreciate the feelings behind the lie, but lying is the worst thing you can do. Understand?”

 

“Yes…”

 

“So long as you don’t lie from here on out, I’ll forgive you,” he said with a smile, showing off his dimples.

 

I actually missed his smile, it was always so comforting. “I promise I won’t lie.”

 

“Ok, so tough part is done.” He switched his legs, crossing the other one on top, “So tell me, what exactly have you’ve been doing?”

 

“I’ve been a janitor. I work as much as I can. I go home and rest. I eat. I sleep.” I gulped, feeling a little pathetic, “Just like any other adult. I do my job and then go home.”

 

“Jungkook,” he said with a lot of apprehension, “You’ve come a long way since you were 21 and broken. I can say for a fact that you have successfully dealt with your trauma. But, from what I can tell, you have failed in merging yourself once again with society. You’re failing in living life.”

 

“But why? Why do I even have to do that in the first place?”

 

He could see the confusion in my eyes turning into frustration. He quoted, “‘Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.’ Buddha.”

 

I tilt my head slightly, making him chuckle a little.

 

“Here’s another one: ‘The purpose of art is washing the dust of daily life off our souls.’”

 

“Picasso said that.”

 

He nodded, “That’s right.”

 

“And what does Buddha and Picasso have anything to do with me?”

 

“What’s amazing about them and about our pasts, our history, is that we can learn from them. We can take from their experiences and their words, and morph it into inspiration and encouragement.”

 

“And in simpler terms…?”

 

He chuckled again, “You either have a life worth living, or no life at all. And I think  _ you  _ above everyone else, should understand how precious life is.”

 

“I’m alive. Done. I don’t understand-”

 

“No. You don’t understand.” He got up and sat next to me, almost like a dad would his son if he were talking to him about something important. “Because it seems the only thing you took out of the years of being at Kim Hospital was just how to survive. How to get through your days. But Jungkook, that’s not living.”

 

I felt weak next to him. I think I’ll always feel this way being with him. I frowned, “But… how do I…. live…. I don’t know how to do that anymore.”

 

“You’d be surprised at how many people ask themselves that question.” He took a breath as he stood up and made his way to start cleaning up the mess he made on the table. “A lot of the time, people don’t have an answer. But that’s the joy in living. You have fun, you make mistakes, and you learn. Everyone finds their answer in time. But you on the other hand,” he drank the last bit of Red Bull before continuing, “You stopped trying.”

 

“Is that so wrong?”

 

“Hm, well no. It’s not wrong.” He crumbled the can in his hand and walked it over to the small trashcan. “But living like that and you’ll eventually break. Or did you not pass out just earlier?”

 

I clicked my tongue, leaning back on my hands and rolled my eyes, “Ok, got it. I was down a path of self destruction. So then, what do I do from here on out?”

 

“What do you wanna do,” he turned the question back at me.

 

I let my body fall back on the hotel bed, pulling my hands to rest on my stomach as I stared at the ceiling, “I have no idea.”

 

“You have your art.”

 

“I haven’t painted since the hospital.”

 

Finished cleaning up, he sat back down in the chair he had pulled away from the table, “Doesn’t mean you can’t pick up a brush again.”

 

I grunted in response.

 

He smiled innocently, “You could always dance again. How does New York sound?”

 

I kicked his leg, “Shut up already.”

 

He laughed happily, “What a punk, kicking your elders.”

 

I cracked a smile, “Yeah, you’re definitely older now.”

 

“You could always come back to Seoul with me. I can help you figure stuff out.”

 

I sat up quickly, worried that I had heard him wrong. But he was smiling. He was confident. No, I heard exactly what he said.

 

“Why are you so nice to me?” I felt my eyes shaking, I really might cry. “Back then you even tried to press charges for me. You took care of me like a true older brother would. Even if you were actually my doctor, you never felt like one. You…. You’ve just been so nice…”

 

“Because you remind me a lot of myself Jungkook.” Even if my head was down, he noticed a few tears fall. But he was considerate enough not to mention it. “And I guess a part of me does see you like a little brother.”

 

Regardless of him staying quiet, I started openly crying. I guess, I’ve never really minded crying in front of him.

 

He smiled softly, leaning forward and reaching out to rub the top of my head, “I’m not here to force to you come back to Seoul. You’re an adult. You can stay here and keep doing what you’re doing. I won’t stop you.”

 

I shook my head and wiped my eyes. I sniffed and sniffed as I stopped crying. I looked up at him with pink cheeks and red eyes. There’s no way I’d stay here any longer.

 

“I don’t wanna be alone anymore. Please let me come with you hyung.”

 

“Sure,” he said happily, as if it was the easiest thing he could say. “We’ll figure stuff out ok? I’ll help you figure it out.” He smacked my knee as he got up, “Well! It’s late!”

 

I winced in pain at the force his hand hit my knee, “Oh shit!” I grabbed my knee and rolled back on the bed, pulling my knee into my chest.

 

“Jesus, I didn’t hit you  _ that  _ hard.”

 

“No... when I fell earlier, my knees hit the ground first…”

 

“Oh damn, sorry kid. I um- I think there’s a first aid kit….” he said worriedly, searching around the room inside the drawers.

 

I couldn’t help but start laughing, despite feeling a stinging pain in my knee. “No, I’m ok.”

 

“You sure?”

 

“Yeah,” I said with a smile, putting my knee down and looking up at him from the bed. “I’ll be fine from now on.”

  
  
  
  


_____

  
  
  
  


Seoul.

 

I never imagined I’d come back here again. Not when I left over two years ago. I was set in never coming back. Because there was only pain here. A city of liars, a city of greed, and a city of superficial words and faces. If I’m honest, I hate this city. 

 

But the security I feel with Namjoon outweighs my hate. Besides, I think I’ve come a long way. Though, I do feel myself looking at my cellphone; the clock on the screen ticking. 

 

Old habits die hard. And I’m trying to break this life of time and schedules.

 

“Are you really sure it’s ok for me to crash at your place hyung? Isn’t this like some kind of code you’re breaking?”

 

He laughed deep from his chest, “No way. You’re not a patient anymore. So it doesn’t matter.” He unlocked the door and walked in, “Just don’t make it weird kid. This is your home for as long as you want it to be.”

 

“I guess no ladies are coming around here then. Otherwise you wouldn’t be so open about me staying here.”

 

He smacked the back of my head as I passed him to put my suitcase down in the living room. 

 

His apartment is really nice. A lot cleaner than I thought it would be. And a little bit more empty than I imagined. It’s almost like my old place in Busan. There’s only one small couch in the living room facing the TV. There aren’t many pots and pans and dishes in his kitchen. There’s only a couple of family pictures hanging up, but other than that, a few blown up polaroids take space on the wall as well as several of his school achievements. 

 

It doesn’t look like an apartment someone has been living in.

 

But once you take a step into the guest bedroom, you saw evidence of a person living here. He had turned it into an office. And inside, on the floors as well as his desk, there were piles of papers and books. Sticky notes were placed everywhere, even on the ceiling somehow. But I won’t go into that. It’s honestly a room of chaos, and I don’t know how he manages to get anything done in here.

 

“Why do you do this to yourself?”

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

I gestured with my hands, “This! It’s chaos! Why?”

 

“To you it’s chaos. But to me-” he stretched as he plopped down behind his desk into his large leather chair, “it’s home.”

 

I shook my head and shrugged my shoulders, “Whatever you say. I’ll just take the couch then.”

 

“Go for it.”

 

I saw him lift a few papers on his desk and start mumbling to himself about finding something, but I left him alone. It just gave me a headache being in that room. Given, I didn’t have much stuff in my apartment to clutter, and I guess I didn’t really clean much, but everything scattered like that drives me nuts. At least pick up the floor!

 

I let out a deep breath as I take a seat on the small couch. If I were to stretch my legs out completely and lay down on it, my head would be on one arm rest, while my ankles and feet hung off the other end. I wouldn’t last long on this couch. I need to figure out my situation before too long. Besides, I don’t wanna impose on him. I don’t want to depend on him.

 

I’ve been on my own for a while now and I’d like to think I was doing ok.

 

I closed my eyes and leaned my head back on the couch. 

 

Before my thoughts get carried away I just take a deep breath. Because my thoughts can get me in trouble. My thoughts make me wanna look at my phone. I wanna know what time it is so bad. Because not having a set schedule is a little more than terrifying for me.

 

How do people just freely go about their days? 

 

What do you do?

 

What  _ is  _ there to do?

 

“Jungkook-ah!”

 

“Huh?!”

 

“Let’s go get something to eat,” he called out from his office.

 

I couldn’t help it. I pulled out my phone from my pocket and saw that it was about to be 5 PM. It’s not dinner time yet. 

 

“But hyung it’s a little early to-”

 

He walked into the room, stopped a few feet from me and crossed his arms over his chest, “Who cares?”

 

“I care.”

 

He shook his head, “Live a little Jungkook. Eat when you want to eat.”

 

“But I’m not hungry.”

 

“Then come with me while I go eat then.” I blinked a few times, watching him collect his things and heading towards his door. “You coming?”

 

I got up as quickly as I could.

  
  
  
  


Staying with hyung I’ve learned three things.

 

One, he snores all the time because he’s tired all the time. 

 

He works his ass off every day. If he isn’t at the hospital, he’s at home in his office buried deep in paperwork. And if he isn’t at home working, he’s traveling for work. It’s tiring. Just thinking about him tires me out. It’s endless, the hours he can sit at his desk and work. But I suppose I can understand it. I also like the feeling of drowning myself in work. Even if I was a janitor, I did my best. I worked hard. I liked being tired by the time I got home. And I guess he feels the same way. Because there isn’t a night that goes by that he doesn’t snore peacefully. 

 

I think I’m used to it now actually.

 

Two, therapy and counseling can happen outside of the hospital.

 

For some reason I had it in my mind that therapy only meant me and Namjoon sitting in his office at the hospital talking. The setting seemed important to me. But now I realize that we can have those same conversations anywhere. Even if people are around, we can talk. I can share my thoughts and feelings about things and he’ll listen. 

 

He’s never rejected me. Not like the police. Not like my parents. Though, they tried their hardest to support me. 

 

He’s always listened to me and seemed interested. He shows concern, excitement, and passion towards the things I say. Even if I think what  _ I  _ say is boring, he always smiles. He’ll give me advice and suggestions. And I don’t ever feel pressured.

 

And three, I still have no clue what to do with my life and that’s ok.

 

I’m not talking about work. I just got a job as a janitor once again, because it suits me. I don’t mind the hard work, and it helps not really dealing with people. 

 

What I’m talking about is a passion in my life.

 

Because I never spent money on anything other than food, and a few other apartment things, I actually have a lot saved up. I use a little bit of it to pay hyung rent, because I refuse to live here for free. But he insisted I use the rest of it to try and “live life a little.” And what he’s suggested is looking into hobbies; highly recommending art and painting as a good first step. 

 

But it’s been a long time since I’ve even thought about painting, much less actually paint. I suppose it’s a start though.

 

Looking through the aisle, I take my time to see the differences in paint, touch the paint brushes, and test out the thin tip sharpies and pens. It’s actually a lot of fun. Seeing the way the pens and markers flow on the test paper plays to some kind of childish need. I feel like a little kid again. I feel light. 

 

“Can I help you with anything?”

 

I’m startled by the sudden voice coming from behind me. I turn around and am met by one of the sales clerks working. She’s smiling helpfully, pushing up her black trimmed glasses, and waiting for me to answer.

 

I’m a little speechless, “Um… no… I’m just looking.”

 

“Ok, well if you need any help don’t hesitate to ask,” she smiled again before leaving me alone in the isle.

 

The speaker was playing some crappy jazz song, but for some reason, it didn’t seem as loud. The isle didn’t feel as warm anymore either. I feel a little sad that she left. But as if time starts up again, I chalk it up to nothing and go back to looking at the art supplies. But the feelings I felt before were gone. My heart is anxious and my head is starting to hurt. I just want to go home now. 

 

I quickly leave the store and don’t look back.

  
  
  
  


“Are you ok now,” Namjoon asked with half of his mouth full of mashed potatoes.

 

“Yeah I’m fine.” I poked at my food, “I think I just got nervous talking to a girl.”

 

“When’s the last time you did?”

 

I had to think about it hard. Because if he meant any woman, then it’d be the nurse back at the college. But I doubt that’s who he meant. If he means a girl my age or younger, it’s probably been some months. 

 

“A while…”

 

He chuckled as he continued to eat his dinner, “It’s a normal reaction. Nothing to worry about. But I’m proud you didn’t ignore her or anything. Good job.”

 

I pushed my full plate of food to the side and slouched over the table, “Ughhh, why does that not make me feel better?”

 

“What did she look like?”

 

I blinked a bit, confused as to why he’d ask all of a sudden, but I shrugged it off. “Um, normal?”

 

“What’s normal?”

 

“Glasses, long hair in a ponytail, cheerful voice, short.”

 

“Anything else,” he watched me carefully.

 

“Not really…?” I sat up properly again, “Why?”

 

“She your type?”

 

“How does someone even have a type?”

 

He licked his lips, rubbed his stomach and pushed away his empty plate, “Kid, having a type is just what you’re attracted by. Qualities of a person that you favor.”

 

“That sounds complicated.”

 

He chuckled as he stood up, taking his empty plate to the sink, “It’s not, trust me. You’ll know when you know.”

 

I frowned as I pulled my plate back to me again. “That sounds like fortune cookie crap.”

 

He busted out laughing as he ran the water and started washing his plate. I smiled a bit as I started eating my cold steak and potatoes.

  
  
  
  


I’m back again at the craft store, standing in front of the art supplies, and once again deciding what I want to buy. Though, half of my brain is centered on the girl. So I can’t really concentrate on just one brand or what I want to buy first. 

 

I don’t remember fretting this much, but then again, it’s been a long time.

 

“Can I help you with- Oh, it’s you again. Hello.”

 

I glance her way for a second before looking ahead at the supplies hanging on the shelf, “Hello again.” I groaned internally at the way my voice sounded flat and bored.

 

“Do you need any help?”

 

“No thanks.”

 

“Oh, ok.” 

 

I didn’t just imagine her voice dipping a bit did I?

 

“Well if you need any help feel free to ask,” she said politely.

 

I watched as she turned to leave, but my body moved before I could help it. I tapped her shoulder and did my best to speak.

 

“So um, actually- so what’s your type?”

 

“Excuse me,” she asked with some shock to her voice.

 

I pointed behind me, “The paint. The brushes. Which type do you prefer?”

 

“Oh,” she said a little relieved. “Um….” she walked past me to the paints and looked at them carefully. “I like this brand a lot. It doesn’t smell as bad as some of the others. And I think it's a bit thicker, so it doesn’t run and drip like other brands.”

 

“It’s expensive,” I said with little concern, but more as fact.

 

“Oh um, is there a price range you’re looking for?”

 

I glance her way for a second once again before looking back at the paint, “No, I’ll get these.” I randomly grabbed some tubes of paint and started leaving the isle.

 

I heard her following me. It reminded me a lot of the girls at the college. Because they always used to giggle and whisper behind me. Girls always do that. Even before the accident. The girls in my dance class would always whisper. Chatter. Whisper and chatter. Over and over and over and-

 

“Will you stop following me please?!”

 

As I spun around to yell at her, the shock of my voice made her freeze on the spot. She opened her mouth a few times to speak but remained speechless. Her hands came up to nervously push her glasses up as she took a step back. And the scared look in her eyes reflected the scared feelings in me. 

 

“I'm… I'm sorry, I-” I quickly put the paints on the nearest set of bins in the middle of the main isle, “I'm not feeling well.” I bowed my head a bit, avoided her shaken gaze, and left. 

  
  
  
  


I've decided to try my hand at music. 

 

Guitar specifically. But first I need to learn the basics. Bars, notes, rhythm, and scales. I already know a little. Dancing helped me with rhythm and following a beat. All I really need to get down is learning the scales and individual notes. 

 

But as with anything, it comes easy enough. Days turn into weeks. And by the time a month has passed I've started my hand at actually playing acoustic. 

 

The guitar feels foreign in my grasp. Sitting down, hunched over a little feels strange. Stretching out my fingers hurts. Calluses are just starting to form and its annoying. Because it's not as easy as I thought. Pressing my fingers down on the strings, molding my fingers in just the right way to create beautiful harmonies, is hard. A few scales is difficult enough, but putting them together to play a song is even more difficult. Because I don't remember the last time I listened to music. I can't recall the sound of a song I liked. 

 

Even recalling songs I used to dance too is hard.

 

I bite my lip in frustration and push the guitar out of my lap. It clatters on the ground, echoing the chords in the room. 

 

“Jungkook?”

 

I stand up and head to the kitchen to get a glass of water. I need to cool down. Because my heated frustration is starting to boil over. 

 

Namjoon slides off his glasses and looks at me with concern, “What's wrong?”

 

“Nothing is wrong hyung. Go back to work.”

 

I grabbed a glass from the cabinet, filled it up in the sink, and downed it in one go. I placed the cup in the sink before grabbing the edge of the counter. I stepped back a bit and hung my head. It felt heavy. All the memories of my past felt heavy. The memories that were locked away.

 

“Keep telling yourself that and you'll eventually break the damn guitar.”

 

I slammed my hands down so hard on the counter that it took Namjoon by surprise, “Quit talking to me like you know everything!”

 

He flinched from being startled, but it didn't stop him from stepping closer, “Quit taking out your anger on me when you're the one who stopped trying.”

 

“What do you think I'm doing? Huh?!” I walked around the counter and pointed at the guitar on the floor, “I didn't just buy that for shits and giggles!”

 

“But you did buy it to run away from your problems kid.”

 

I watched as he slowly made his way to the guitar, picking it up and sitting on the couch. He rested his foot on his knee, bringing the guitar to rest in his lap. He strummed the chords once, letting them ring until they rang no more.

 

“What happened to painting?”

 

“I told you I didn't want to paint.” I slid my hands into the back pockets of my jeans and looked away, “What are you... my dad?”

 

He chuckled to himself, strumming his hand one more time down the strings before standing up and putting the guitar where he was just sitting. “I'm not your dad. I'm not your brother. And I'm not your doctor.” With each confirmation of what he wasn't, he took a step closer to me until he was only a foot away. “I'm your friend.”

 

I kept my eyes glued to the wall and remained silent.

 

“You promised me you wouldn't lie,” he spoke with too much hurt and disappointment.

 

I clicked my tongue, “I haven't lied.”

 

“Not to me Jungkook. To yourself.” He put his hand on my shoulder, letting it linger for just a second before he walked back into his office.

 

I was left with nothing but my shame and humiliation. Because all it took was ten minutes of talking to him to make me realize I've only been running away. I ran as fast as I could when faced with a problem. And then I just took it out on him. Like a child. 

 

But it's as if I'm a child once again. Because I have to learn everything. I have to learn and practice again how to talk to people other than him. 

 

I let my hands fall at my sides, my head tilt back, and I took a deep breath. Several long breaths, my chest rising and falling slowly. Those few moments allowed me to clear out the childish frustrations. 

 

With my head still tilted back, I side glanced at Namjoon’s office. He left the door open. A clear invitation for me to talk to him if I so wished. A smile appeared on my lips thinking about it. It’s so him. Even if I was being irrational and a brat, he’s still here for me. Letting me do things at my own pace. I can either go in there and talk to him, or I don’t have too. 

 

But I do anyways. I think I’m almost dependent on it.

 

I leaned up against the wall and stayed quiet for a moment as he typed away on his laptop. “I’m sorry.”

 

“About what?”

 

“For acting the way I did.”

 

He stopped typing, looking at me past the rim of his glasses, “You don’t have to apologize for your feelings.”

 

I chewed on my bottom lip a bit and looked down at my feet, “I know… I know I don’t have too. But I wanted too.”

 

“Well, thank you.”

 

I slid a bit down and let the back of my head rest on the wall, “I think somewhere along the way I just told myself I’d never love again.” I scoffed at myself, “That sounds so stupid. Like a damn drama or something. But… I just kinda... swore off girls.”

 

“And what about now?”

 

“I don't even know…” I sighed, pushing off the wall and aimlessly started pacing. “I mean, yeah, girls are cute and stuff but, I guess- Mm.. I guess I just don’t know what to say to girls anymore. Not that I really knew what to say to them before…”

 

He smiled, trying to hold in his chuckle but failing, “Jungkook, these things don’t come naturally, it takes practice. And let’s be honest, you’ve been out of the game for a while.”

 

I stopped pacing, walked to the chair in front of his desk (that would be for a guest to sit in but it was full of books), and put my hands on the back of it. “I don’t wanna be in ‘the game.’ God that sounds horrible. I want to just- ugh! I don’t know!”

 

I threw my hands up in the air, frustrated. All this talk about girls and dating just puts a bad taste in my mouth. I scratched the back of my neck and huffed out a deep sigh. 

 

I just want to have someone I’m comfortable with. A person who I look forward to seeing. 

 

Why does it have to be a game?

 

“Is it so wrong to wish I was better at talking? And not just to girls… to… people.”

 

“It takes practice.” He leaned back in his chair and smiled softly, “And it takes patience and trust. Putting yourself out there is scary, I know. But if you try, you’ll find it gets easier with time.”

 

“Time,” I repeated.

 

“That’s right. Time.”

 

“Did you need time to get back on your feet after your ex?”

 

I saw the slight change in his smile. It faltered a little, but it was still there. “Yeah, I guess I did.”

 

“What happened with her,” I asked openly, curious.

 

“I actually saw her not that long ago...”

 

I was surprised to hear that, “Wow, really? Wasn’t it hard?”

 

“A little,” he confessed, lightly scratching at his cheek. “She went through a lot of stuff. But now it seems she’s found something to make her smile. Or I guess I should say, someone.”

 

Again, I saw a slight change in his smile. And now his eyes. “You’ll find someone too hyung.”

 

He cackled, too amused, “Ha! We’ll see. I’m not really looking right now. So… we’ll see...”

 

With a tired look in his eyes now, and a yawn escaping his lips, I took my leave. It seemed like he was done talking anyways. I might have brought up bad memories for him just now, and rather than stay in the room and ask more questions, it’s probably better to leave him alone. 

 

Because even Namjoon needs time to himself to sort through his thoughts. 

  
  
  
  


Making a conscious effort to ‘put yourself out there’ is a lot harder than one would think. Because after keeping to myself in the hospital, and keeping to myself once I got out, I just went years not really socializing. I didn’t think I needed it.

 

But now I realize that I couldn’t just hide from people anymore. I shouldn’t fear people. 

 

Everyone has their problems, and I’m just one of many. So I can at least try. I want to try.

 

So once again, I’m back at the craft store. 

 

I’m more nervous than I’ve ever been as I stare at the art supplies. I’m eyeing the same paint and brushes just waiting for her to show up. Just waiting to hear her cheery voice asking ‘Can I help you with anything?’ 

 

But the minutes start ticking by and I realize I’m just standing in the isle doing nothing but stare at the supplies. 

 

“Where is she?”

 

“Where is who?”

 

“Oh shit!” I yelled and backed away suddenly from the voice behind me.

 

She weakly smiled, “I’m sorry if I scared you.”

 

“You’re really good at just popping out of nowhere, ya know?”

 

“I guess I am,” she agreed easily. “So um-”

 

I quickly interrupted her and bowed, “I’m sorry I was such a creep and yelled at you and left all of a sudden.”

 

“Oh my god! Don’t bow!” She rushed forward and pushed on my shoulders to make me stand up. I let her hands guide me back up and noticed a slight blush to her face. “I-It’s fine! You were just upset or something….”

 

She’s really nice. Someone who wasn’t nice wouldn’t have said what she just said.

 

“I’ll be honest… it’s been a long time since I talked to a girl.” I saw her eyes open wide a little and I quickly tried to backtrack, “I mean- like, ya know, people! I suck at talking to people because I haven’t talked to anyone in a really long time! Oh god,” I started panicking, “That makes me sound like a total creep. I’m not a creep I promise!”

 

Before I could panic anymore and run out of the store, which I was about to do in five more seconds, she started laughing. She grabbed her stomach and laughed. And it wasn’t the type of laugh that belittled me, or made me feel bad. I dunno, maybe it’s because she seems genuinely nice that I didn’t see it that way. Regardless, her laugh actually made me smile. 

 

“You’re funny, you know that?”

 

“No I don’t,” I answered honestly, which made her laugh even harder.

 

She wiped her eyes of the few tears and looked at me with a smile, “What’s your name?”

 

“Jungkook.”

 

“It’s nice to meet you Jungkook, I’m Y/N,” she introduced herself with an outstretched hand.

 

I stared at her small hand for a second before slowly reaching out and grabbing it. “It’s nice to meet you too.”

 

“So! Are you actually going to buy something this time?” She pulled her hand away from mine and faced the wall of art supplies. “You want paints, right? How about these ones? Oh, and do you already have an easel and all the other stuff?”

 

Her eyes lit up as she started talking about art and making suggestions on what she’d recommend to buy. It was entertaining to see her so animated. I could almost see myself in her. How I used to be about dance. I was passionate like her once. 

 

And seeing that passion right in front of me just makes me want to grab it again for myself. 

 

I really want to try. And now I think I can.

  
  
  
  


_____

  
  
  
  


I'm a little on edge today.

 

Namjoon has been supportive, but this time it's really on me. I'm the one who has to put in the effort. I mean, I have been putting in effort, but I just don't seem comfortable yet. Thankfully, Namjoon said that it was natural. 

 

“Jungkook, when do you think Van Gogh knew he was going to cut off his ear? Like, that morning he did it? Or maybe a day before?”

 

Getting to this point hasn’t been that hard. Not like what I thought it would be. 

 

Easily enough we met at the entrance of the museum. She talked about how excited she was about coming because she’s a really big art nerd. I told her about some of the things I’ve painted. And we’ve naturally been talking. Asking questions and answering them. I haven’t felt the need to lie or anything.

 

It’s really nice.

 

I cocked my head to the side as I looked at his portrait hanging on the wall of the art museum, “Maybe he didn’t really think about it.” I stared into the eyes of the painting, his eyes staring back. “Because I think a man in love doesn’t really think rationally.”

 

She glanced my way and smiled, “Yeah you’re probably right. But that’s totally crazy. Who does that for a girl? Or any loved one?” She stared at the portrait once more, “I mean, love is a little scary when you think of what people will do for love.”

 

I frowned as I started walking to the next section of the museum, “Yeah… Scary.”

 

“Is something wrong,” she asked carefully as she followed behind me.

 

I shook my head, “No.”

 

“Did I say something to upset you?”

 

“No,” I said with finality. 

 

She frowned and turned away. I’m clearly making her upset, but what am I supposed to do when all I can think about is my past? All I can think about is the girl I loved and how her crazy ass boyfriend killed her in the name of love. 

 

I can’t tell her that. 

 

“You know…. I really like you Jungkook.”

 

“What,” I asked softly, doubting what I heard.

 

She stared straight ahead at a painting, but it didn’t really seem like she was even looking at it. “I do, I like you. You’re a pretty serious guy. A little rigid,” she teased, “but it’s nice. I just hope you know you can let your guard down around me.”

 

“The last time I did that I fell in love.”

 

Her head turned slowly, her heart fluttering as she looked at me, “You what?”

 

“....I should go.”

 

“But we just barely got here and-”

 

“I know, I’m sorry,” I bowed my head. “But… I should really go.” 

 

I barely managed to look into her eyes as I passed; it was enough to see her upset. But staying would only mean trouble. Because I felt myself wanting to let my guard down. And doing that is just not something I’m ready for. I can’t. I won’t.

 

It seems too fast.

 

Talking to her hasn't been fast. It's been a few months. But the way my body and my feelings react to her is too fast. It's almost like, because I was deprived so long of interaction, I'm jumping at the chance. And it's stressful. 

 

What if something happens?

 

I hurry to leave the museum without looking back. Because looking back would mean having to face the disappointment on her face. And I can’t do that. I already know I’m a disappointment, I don’t need to see it on someone else’s face to know. 

 

“Jungkook wait!”

 

I halted for a second, hearing footsteps running, but I kept walking.

 

“I said wait!”

 

“You should go back. Go enjoy the museum!”

 

She ran faster to catch up to me, reaching out and pulling me by my shoulder, “The point in going was so that we could see it together! Or is that not what friends do?”

 

I stopped walking, more shocked that anything. “Friends?”

 

She huffed, a bit out of breath, “Yes. Friends. We’re friends right?”

 

When did we become friends? When did that happen? Because it’s only been a few months since I went back that third time at her work to apologize to her. It took me another five visits and another hundred dollars before she made fun of me and just suggested we see each other outside of her work. 

 

Hence why I was even at a museum to begin with.

 

But was it at some point in those visits at her job that we became friends?

 

“Jungkook?”

 

I was brought out of my thoughts, seeing a sad look on her face. “I haven’t had a friend in a long time. I only have one person who I call a friend. Other than that, there’s no one. So um, I guess I’m just kinda shocked.”

 

“You had said that you hadn’t talked to a girl- or to anyone,” she corrected herself, “-in a long time. But I thought things were going fine.” She looked down and then to the side, “Part of becoming friends is getting to know each other. And… I’d like to get to know you more….”

 

I considered her words. And she’s right. Making relationships is a process of give and take. But just how much are you supposed to give? How much do you take? Where’s the guidebook for these things? 

 

My mind is going a mile a minute and I have zero answers.

 

“Truth is… the reason I’m like this… serious and rigid… is because a long time ago I was assaulted,” I saw her eyes start to shake, “....and the first girl I ever fell in love with died.”

 

“That’s…. That’s horrible….”

 

“Serious, guard up, boring, mean, however you probably see me- it’s just how I’ve come to be after everything and I’m-” I clenched my hands, digging my nails into my palms, “-not good at this. Friends. Talking. Whatever. I’m just not.”

 

“No one is good at it, but we all try.”

 

“You’re good at it.”

 

“What?”

 

“Yeah,” I confirmed. I stepped around her but kept my pace slow enough so she wouldn’t have to walk fast to keep up with me. “You’re like my first love. She was friendly and outgoing just like you.”

 

I could see it from the corner of my eye that she was slightly uncomfortable, but she did her best to speak up. “Friendly and outgoing… it’s not something that comes naturally to me, you know. I’m sure your first love was like that too. It’s something I have to work on.”

 

Her words reminded me of Namjoon. Saying things like “it takes practice,” and “we’re all human.” 

 

“I know I’m awkward and stuff but…. I’d like it if we could be friends.”

 

The smile she gave me sent chills down my body; but my heart was on fire.

 

“But we’re already friends.”

  
  
  
  


Falling in love. It’s not a concept that’s foreign to me. I remember what it was like.

 

But the thing about it that has me so worried, is the fear of losing the person I love.

 

And when I see Y/N smile when she talks about art, or the way she teases me about being shy and awkward, makes me feel like I’m in love. Because I can’t help but just stare into her eyes. I catch myself doing that all the time now. And I force myself to look away. I force the smile away from my lips and try and shrug it off.

 

It’s fear that keeps holding me back. And I hate it.

 

“Jungkook….”

 

I realize I’m staring again, so I take a long sip of my coffee to distract myself.

 

“You totally spaced out just now,” she giggled. “I was waving my hand in your face and everything!”

 

I chuckled a little, “Yeah I guess I’m a little distracted today.”

 

“We didn’t have to come here if you didn’t want too. We could have gone somewhere else for our date.” She quickly started waving her hand and shook her head, completely flustered, “N-Not a date! That’s not what I meant!”

 

She’s really cute.

 

“No, it’s not-” I tried making sense of my words all jumbled in my head, “I mean, it doesn’t have anything to do with the place or you I just- I have a lot going on in my head at the moment.”

 

Calm once again, she put the tip of her index finger on the end of her straw and made it go in circles, “Stuff from the past?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

She propped her head onto her closed hand, making her cheek squish in a really cute way, “Wanna talk about it?”

 

I looked more clearly into her eyes seeing her patiently waiting. The same kind of eyes like Namjoon’s. 

 

“You told me before that you like me.”

 

“Um-”

 

“That you like how I’m serious and stuff?”

 

“O-Oh, yeah. What about it,” she asked with a nervous giggle, going back to playing with her straw with her fingers.

 

“Well, I like how carefree you seem to be.”

 

She shook her head with a smile, still staring at her straw, “I’m not that carefree. I mean, I guess I don’t think I am.”

 

“Yeah you are. You seem like the type to take things as they come and go with the flow.” I suddenly felt my hands started to get clammy. I rubbed them on my jeans, “I wish I was like that.”

 

“Rather than wishing it, just try changing the way you see things.” She tilted her head as she thought out loud, “Like if you were caught in a situation that was tough, instead of panicking and getting mad, try and change the way you think to be calm and realize that things are temporary. You know it's because if you linger on something too long you'll miss out on the important stuff. Ah- I hope that makes sense!”

 

She got embarrassed and started sipping on her coffee despite it already empty. And then started rambling on about some movie that just released because I wasn’t saying anything. And it’s not like I wanted to keep quiet, but her words resonated with me. She rendered me speechless. And just hearing her talk has actually become something relaxing to me.

 

But I notice her blushing again and she’s stopped talking. “What’s wrong?”

 

“You’re staring again,” she spoke hesitantly and slightly embarrassed.

 

“Oh,” I quickly looked down, “I’m sorry.”

 

“It’s ok,” she dismissed it with a smile.

 

But now the both of us are just staring down. And I don’t know about her, but my heart seems to be stuck in the middle of my throat. 

 

“Would you like to walk around? It’s such a nice day out. It’d be a shame to just stay in the cafe all day right?”

 

I smiled, catching her eyes, “Walking is nice. I actually prefer it.”

 

We both got up and threw our trash away. I held the door open for her as she made her way out. Both of us just a few inches away from touching each other as we walked. And she was right, it is such a good day. There’s been some cool fronts lately that’s caused the heat to come down over ten degrees, making it bearable. The wind is pleasant to us both; she seeming to love it as she closes her eyes and let’s it hit her face gently.

 

“So why do you prefer walking?”

 

“Walking makes you tired. And I like feeling tired. Makes my bed feel better.”

 

If she had any kind of drink in her mouth I’d guarantee she’d have spit it out. Because she laughed so hard, she grabbed her stomach and folded over in two.

 

Is that funny?

 

“How could you say that with such a straight face?” She kept giggling as we walked.

 

I tried thinking about it seriously, but I didn’t think I said that with a straight face. “Am I making a face?”

 

“Pffft! Ahahaha!”

 

She reached out and grabbed my arm for a moment as she stumbled a bit from laughing too hard. But quickly let go, making her laughter slow down. Because now she just seemed embarrassed. 

 

“Ah, I’m sorry if I laughed too much, I just think you’re funny.”

 

“I’m funny? Really?”

 

“Yeah really! Like I said, you’re so serious that I think it’s refreshing. You don’t think like other boys.” She chewed on her bottom lip a bit and glanced away, “You’re not just talking about yourself and seem fake. You’re just trying to be my friend and its…. Nice.”

 

“I think so too. It’s nice being friends with you Y/N.”

 

She blushed a deep red, making me stop and stare. Even if it was obvious, I had too. My heart was forcing me too. Even if my mind was telling me to stop, my heart just keeps racing. 

 

“Jungkook…” she turned her body so she could face me, her eyelashes fluttering as she seemed to be working up some courage, “You know I-”

 

But all sound was gone the second I looked up and saw my attacker just past her. It was dead quiet. All but a single ringing in my head as time seemed to stop. As the world was suddenly covered in a shadow all accept him. My eyes were glued to his face. Even from here, a whole street down, I’d recognize his face anywhere.

 

I kept my eyes steady on him as he disappeared around a building. And I started running. I ran seemingly on autopilot, my body just taking me straight to him. Because a part of me is doubting my eyes and my brain.

 

_ Park Jimin here? On the same street as me? Free? Smiling?! Like he deserves any happiness?! _

 

I rounded the corner and saw him entering a clothing store with a girl attached to his arm. She looked just as happy as him and she giggled to something he said. Seeing her happy just reminded me of Y/N when she was fawning all over Jimin. Before she ultimately died by his hands.

 

He’s a murder.

 

A despicable human being who deserves to rot for the rest of his life.

 

But here I am staring into the shop and watching him stroll around happily without a care in the world. Like I’m not out here seething. Like I didn’t suffer for months and years at his hands! 

 

“I’ll… kill him….”

 

“Jungkook! What’s going on?!”

 

I heard Y/N come running, but I honestly couldn’t see where she was at. Because I only had tunnel vision on Jimin. I felt her grabbing my arm to try and shake me of this episode, or whatever this is. But I just pulled my arm away from her on instinct. Even the cry in her voice, the worry and the fear, didn’t pull me out of my boiling hate.

 

“I’ll kill him… I’m gonna kill him....”

 

As I opened the door to the shop she yelled at me and pulled on my arm again, “Jungkook! Stop!!”

 

But before I could see Jimin’s face as he turned, the girl that was laughing by his side was suddenly in my field of vision. 

 

My vision distorted seconds at a time. Because the girl in front of me looked so familiar. My eyes were showing me the same lady from the time I was in the hospital. The one that Namjoon had interrupted and pulled away. The one who was talking to him in the courtyard….

 

Jimin’s therapist. 

 

But she’s here now looking at me with terror in her eyes. Her head is whipping back and forth, looking at me and then to Jimin behind her; who I still can’t see because it seems she’s trying her best to keep him back. She’s purposely blocking my way. 

 

But my eyes are starting to shake. 

 

My whole body is shaking.

 

“Jagiya…What’s going on?”

 

He looked different. The blonde was gone and returned to black hair. His eyes were softer. His build smaller. And he looked healthy. But his voice…. His voice was still the same. Even if he wasn’t cursing or screaming. I’d never forget his voice.

 

His voice laced over the screaming I heard in my head. It’s his screaming I’m hearing. His yelling. Her pleading. My crying. The sounds of glass breaking and clothes being ripped. His voice demanding her obedience. The crackling of fire and destruction. 

 

I grabbed at my head and stumbled back into Y/N who was crying behind me, her hands still tightly squeezing my arm. But I still couldn’t feel her. All I could feel was my head splitting apart. All I could hear was the loud high pitched ringing getting louder and louder. 

 

It was so loud that by the time I was finally able to lock eyes with Jimin, I passed out.

  
  
  
  


For the first time in two years I actually had a dream. A dream I could remember. Or I should say nightmare. Because dreams are meant to be good. Nightmares are filled with all the hate and ugly you fear. 

 

I was watching it all unfold from the beginning. From the moment I entered the practice room to see her cowering against the wall behind the piano. To Jimin stalking his way towards us as I tried my best to keep her behind my back and shielded. 

 

It was like a movie on loop. 

 

I was witnessing her getting choked and beaten. I wanted to look away but I couldn’t. This was the nightmare. My ears and eyes permanently open and ready to watch as she got raped and killed. 

 

And if there’s anything I can take from my nightmare, it's that Park Jimin is a murder and will forever be a murder. Nothing will change that. 

 

I woke up to myself crying into the pillow underneath me. And I let myself cry. Because I don’t know how long I was just watching the accident happen over and over in my nightmare. And the memories of that night hasn’t been in the forefront of my mind in a really long time.

 

“Jungkook, hey, shh shh. It’s ok. I’m right here.”

 

I heard Namjoon’s voice close to my ear. He sounded close. I couldn’t really tell with my eyes squeezed shut as I wailed into the pillow. But I just reached out aimlessly to try and feel for him. He hurried to grab my arm and hold me tight as I just screamed and cried. He was the only thing that kept me from falling back into the hole that was my life after her death. 

 

The same hole that tried to consume me and claim my life. An abyss of eternal pain.

 

But his firm grip on my arm keeps me here. With him. Wherever we are. It’s just him holding me tight and letting me cry. Because with his firm grip, time has stopped. I’m allowed to cry. I’m allowed to feel this pain. 

 

I don’t know how long I cried. And I don’t know when I passed out again. But this time as I wake up, I wake up to dry eyes, a sore throat, and an empty feeling inside of my body.

 

Namjoon is sitting beside the bed I’m occupying, dozing in and out of sleep. I can tell by the way his eyes are closed shut and his head keeps bobbing forward and jerking back. But on the third time repeating this he notices I’m awake.

 

He quickly looks me over, “Here, you need to drink some water.”

 

He digs his arms under my armpits and lifts me up enough against the backboard so I can drink. I’m like a doll, I have zero energy to move. But he doesn’t expect me too. He just gets the glass of water that was already on his nightstand and helps me drink it, carefully putting the glass to my lips and tilting it so the water could coat my sore throat. Sore from the crying and the wailing. 

 

He put the glass back on his nightstand and took a deep breath, “I should apologize to you Jungkook. I should have told you that Park Jimin wasn’t being held anymore.” He slouched back into the chair, rubbing at his temples hard to get rid of the raging headache, “Honestly I should have told you what happened to him. But I was scared of what it might do to you. I’m so sorry.”

 

“It’s… not your fault… hyung…” my voice barely got out, sounding hoarse and lower than normal. 

 

“Either way, let me explain some stuff because I’m sure you want answers.” He saw my slight nod. So he sturdied himself, sitting up properly now and made sure to talk slow and carefully. “From what my best friend told me, who happens to be the director, Park Jimin’s father used his power and his money to put Jimin into an institution. He kept Jimin from going to jail in favor of image. Apparently Jimin was willing to go to jail, but they worked it out that Jimin would just stay in the institution to go through rehabilitation. He was in there for five years before my friend, the director, deemed him rehabilitated to be released.” He rubbed his temples again and sighed heavily, “I guess I should also mention that my ex is the same woman that was with him today. So imagine, this past time I saw her, I ended up just yelling at her and we had a huge fight. Although, I guess we did kinda agree to try and be friends still… I don’t know.”

 

“Hyung…”

 

“Fuck… I’m so sorry Jungkook.”

 

I had never heard him cuss so openly like that before. It seemed surreal. This was happening. 

 

It wasn’t just a nightmare or a delusional scene glazing over my eyes. I saw Park Jimin face to face. I wanted to kill him so much that I think it sent my body into shock. Not that much hate and fear can course through a body and not be affected by it. 

 

“Where is he now?”

 

“I don’t know. My ex called me. As soon as she mentioned your name I dropped everything and got you.”

 

I grunted as I lightly hit my head against the headboard, “Y/N was there wasn’t she…”

 

“She was crying, but she kept holding your hand. And she wouldn't let go until I showed her my ID.” He smiled a bit, “She's a good girl.”

 

“Yeah...she is..” I groaned as I pushed my body up some more. “What did you tell her?”

 

“I told her you’d contact her later when you got better. So it's up to you when you want to talk to her again.” He got the glass once again and offered it to me. 

 

I took the glass and sipped on it. “Ok…” Another sip. “Park Jimin… I want to kill him.”

 

“Jungkook…”

 

I reached over to put the glass back but he took it from my hand to do it for me. “Of course I won't. But… I thought maybe I would have back there.”

 

“I know… My ex said you looked…. Dangerous.”

 

I closed my eyes and thought about seeing him. And no doubt I still feel like killing him. Or at least beating him until I couldn't move. But there's a part of me that doesn't want to become like him. I don't want to be compared to someone like him. 

 

And somehow the thought of making Y/N cry again has me considering my actions. 

 

I really want to talk to her.

 

I just hope I didn't scare her away.

 

I sighed openly, “So what you're trying to tell me is that Park Jimin is a changed man? And I'm supposed to forget everything he's done?”

 

“I can't contest to him now, I haven't talked to him myself or anything. But as far as forgetting what he's done, hell no. But…. It'll be up to you if you forgive him or not. I don't blame you if you don't.” 

 

“Forgive him? He doesn't deserve it,” I said spitefully.

 

“I understand. But don't let that spite and that hate take over. Remember to keep track of those thoughts.”

 

I frowned, “I know… Those are the type of feelings that lead to worse things.”

 

“That's right,” he nodded. He rubbed his temples once more before standing up. “Well I'm gonna heat up the soup, you need to eat. Just keep resting for now.”

 

Just as he was about to leave his bedroom, I quickly spoke up, “I'm sorry you had to leave your work. But… Thanks hyung.”

 

He turned around with a smile, “Couldn’t leave my brother like that, now could I?”

 

The empty feeling I felt in my body felt like it was being filled. Not completely. But there is something there that Namjoon gives me. It's not everything, but it's enough for now. 

 

I'm just missing something else… 

 

My thoughts drift to Y/N. She was in the middle of saying something before I saw Park Jimin. I wonder what she was going to say. But now she probably doesn't want anything to do with me. I know I'd be scared of someone who reacted the way I did. I'd be scared of someone so irrational and unpredictable. 

 

Maybe I shouldn't even try and contact her again.

 

I look to the side and see that Namjoon put my phone on the nightstand. I unhook it from the charge cord and see the text messages on my phone. 

 

And somehow, seeing Y/M’s messages is filling up the rest of that space inside of me. A hole carved out by Park Jimin and my fear. It doesn't seem as big when I read her words. When I can imagine her saying these things to me. 

 

I close my eyes and think about her. But as I do, her face starts changing into someone else's. It starts changing into my first love. 

 

I clutched my phone hard in my hand, shaking as the fear takes over. Fear making me cry as I decide not talk to Y/N anymore. 

 

Because I know she'd be better without me in her life. 

  
  
  
  


_____

  
  
  
  


_ ‘Are you doing ok? That Namjoon guy said he was a doctor? He's your brother?’ _

 

_ ‘Jungkook what happened today?’ _

 

_ ‘Are you sure you’re ok?’ _

 

_ ‘Hello?’ _

 

_ ‘I understand if you don’t want to talk about it but are you at least ok?’ _

 

_ ‘Jungkook’ _

 

_ ‘Please’ _

 

_ ‘I know we don’t know each other that well but i’m really worried about you. I’ve never seen someone look like that before, like how you looked.’ _

 

_ ‘.....you don’t have to talk to me, I understand.’ _

 

_ ‘I hope you’re doing well’ _

 

_ ‘Please take care of yourself’ _

 

_ ‘Bye’ _

 

I only sent one text to Y/N. It said I was sorry for what happened and that I was thankful she was worried about me. Other than that I left her alone. I never responded to her other texts and I never called her. 

 

I have to come to terms with Park Jimin. And I don't want to involve her. She deserves better than my own problems dragging her down. I like her enough to not do that to her.

 

But I do miss her. Even if we only knew each other for a few months, I actually got pretty attached. But I suppose I'll just have to come to terms with that as well.

 

Maybe I'm meant to be alone.

  
  
  
  


_____

  
  
  
  


“Jungkook, you need to eat.”

 

“I’m not hungry.”

 

Namjoon stared at me as I continued to lie on his couch, curled up in a ball. “If you don’t eat now you’ll leave me no choice but to call an ambulance. I can hook you up to IV’s if I have too.”

 

I angrily sat up and hurried to take the sandwich in his hands and started stuffing my face. I ate and ate until it was gone within a matter of one minute. I glared at him before going back to lying down. I made sure to face the back of the couch, so that he couldn’t see me crying. 

 

Not this time. My tears are just for me.

  
  
  
  


“Jungkook, have you talked to Y/N?”

 

“....”

 

“You’ll feel better if you do.”

  
  
  


“Jungkook, drink this before I go.”

 

“Why should I?”

 

“Because if you don’t I’ll-”

 

Before he can threaten me with calling an ambulance, I quickly grab the protein shake from his hands and gulp it down. Some of it spills, but I don’t care. I make sure to drink every last drop and hand him the mug. I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand and return to the couch. 

 

Namjoon frowns as he puts the mug in the sink and leaves for work.

  
  
  
  


“Hyung… I wanna talk to Park Jimin.”

 

Namjoon looked up from his laptop with a straight face, “No.”

 

“And why not?!” I stormed forward and threw my hands towards him, “You can’t stop me from seeing him! I need to see him!”

 

“What you  _ need  _ is to leave this apartment. You need to breathe air other than your own stink.” He closed his laptop and stood up, hands in his pockets, “Jungkook, I’m not going to allow you to see him.”

 

I breathed heavily as my anger fueled up inside of me, “I can do whatever the hell I want!”

 

“And what is that you want?!”

 

“I want him to own up to what he did to me!!! HE OWES ME!!”

 

“Is that what you think?!”

 

“Yes! He should get on his hands and knees and fucking beg me to forgive him!” I threw my hands angrily towards Namjoon, “Because I deserve something for the years of pain!”

 

Namjoon stomped around his desk. He looked taller, intimidating. I naturally started stepping back, away from him until my back was against the wall. I felt cornered.

 

“He doesn’t owe you anything when you’re acting like a self pitying child!”

 

“Shut the fuck up! I’m not a self pitying child! Don’t just talk to me like that because you’re a fucking doctor!” I screamed back at him, squaring my shoulders so I could be face to face with him. “Why aren’t you on my side?!”

 

He scoffed in my face, “Was I not helping you eat!? Was I not forcing you to drink!? HUH?! I have literally been by your side, worried out of my mind about you! And you think I’m not on your side?!”

 

He slammed his hand hard against the wall and I knew I was wrong. 

 

I bit down on my bottom lip hard and stormed out of his office. I stood in the middle of the living room and cried. My shoulders were shaking uncontrollably as my tears just poured out of me, like my anger and my hate poured out of me. I really had stooped so low as to insult him and deny his efforts to help me along. 

 

I really am such a child.

 

And instead of consoling me, all he did was rub the top of my head a little before returning to his office. 

 

I knew this was something I’d have to get through on my own. Because Namjoon couldn’t do everything for me. And I know this. 

 

I cried by myself, because I need to heal by myself. No one is going to do that for me.

  
  
  
  


Before I came back to Seoul, being alone was easy. I prefered it.

 

But now it’s harder.

 

Now, I notice my loneliness. I notice the days slipping by and turning into months. I notice the weather changing. I've never really paid much attention to the weather before. But now that I'm back to square one I can see the changes around me. Before it felt like I was just living with my head to the ground, working hard towards nothing. But after talking to Namjoon again, after feeling my heart awaken because of Y/N, my eyes are open. I'm looking up and I can see all the things I miss.  

 

But it all comes down to one thing. Forgiving Park Jimin. Do I want to? Should I? Does he deserve it?

 

I want to say no to all those questions. I want to hate him with every fiber of my being, but a part of me is telling me to let it go. Because if I keep hating him, it'll rule the rest of my life. 

 

I mean, c’mon! I'm literally sitting by myself on Namjoon’s  couch doing nothing because of my resentment towards him. 

 

Do I allow him to control my feelings this way? Do I allow my actions to be made based solely on what he did to me in the past and how I feel about it now?

 

That part of me tells me no, that I shouldn't let him control me. He'd win. Fear would win. 

 

But how do I forgive someone for doing what he did?

 

“What am I supposed to do…” I said allowed in the empty living room.

 

_ ‘Rather than wishing it, just try changing the way you see things. Like if you were caught in a situation that was tough, instead of panicking and getting mad, try and change the way you think- to be calm and realize that things are temporary. You know, it's because if you linger on something too long you'll miss out on the important stuff.’ _

 

“Things are temporary…” 

 

And I'm currently missing out on important stuff.

 

I shoot up from the couch and frantically look for my phone. I quickly pick it up from the floor and type as fast as my fingers will allow.

 

It's a simple question. ‘ _ Are you busy right now?’ _

 

And yet I'm terrified. I'm anxious for a response. And never have I cared so much about time than I do right now. 

 

**Ding**

 

_ ‘I'm about to go into work’  _

 

I grab a jacket and fly out of Namjoon’s apartment. I don't have anything planned out. My words might be crap. But I just need to tell her that I've been so stupid. I don't want to be controlled by anything other than my own happiness. And maybe, if it's ok, I can be more than just a friend to her.

  
  
  
  


I stop in front of the craft store, sweating despite the cool weather. I haven't been here in a long time. Because instead of painting and art, I found that I’d rather spend my time with Y/N. 

 

And it was only until I stopped talking to her and seeing her that I realized she was helping me heal. All this time. She was giving me the courage to change and open up. 

 

But I suppose some things don't change, because I'm back in the art aisle, staring at the paints and the brushes. Only this time I'm smiling. I'm nervous and anxious of course, but I'm more excited to see her again. 

 

“Jungkook.”

 

I turned and saw her at the end of the aisle. She looked nervous. I don't blame her. My heart sinks and I have that small feeling of wanting to run away. But I take a step towards her. I'm not running.

 

“I'm so sorry about what happened that day. And I'm so sorry for the months of ignoring you. I'd understand it if you hated my guts.” I waited for her to say something but she didn't. My heart just sank further but I trudged on. “What you should know about me is that about five years ago I was almost murdered. And that day we got coffee.... I saw my attacker.”

 

Her eyes wavered and her hands shot up to her mouth in shock.

 

I gulped hard, feeling my throat tight, but I kept going. “I wanted to kill him Y/N. I might have. But… I'm not like him. I don't want to let the hate I have for him control my life anymore.” My bottom lip started quivering as my grip on my emotions shook. I looked away to try and make myself not cry. “But I don't know if I can forgive him. I don't think it's possible. But I don't wanna live like this anymore! I pushed you away because I thought that if I kept being your friend I'd just bring you down.” I quickly wiped my eyes, noticing a few tears leave hers, “So here I am, hoping I can still be your friend. Even if I'm a screw up. Even if I'm too serious, boring, or broken, or crazy, or whatever! I want to be with you because…. Because I like you.” 

 

She wiped her eyes under her glasses and puffed out her cheeks in frustration, “You made me cry...”

 

“I'm sorry,” I apologized full of regret. 

 

“But thank you for coming to say you were sorry….I wasn't really looking for that though…”

 

“You weren't?”

 

She shook her head, “I just wanted you to trust me enough to be honest with me. Let your walls down a little. I'm so happy you did, thank you. I’m you’re fine… You look fine...” But the slight smile that she had disappeared, “I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I can’t imagine what it’s been like.”

 

“Yeah…”

 

Her eyes glanced somewhere towards the back of the store, “I’m sorry I can’t talk more right now. My boss is coming this way.”

 

I scratched the back of my neck, “Yeah I’m sorry, I just ran over here without really thinking.”

 

She giggled a little, “I’m glad you did.”

 

“Right…” I agreed with a slight blush.

 

“Would you mind coming back in a few hours? I have a short shift today.”

 

“Sure.”

 

She stepped backwards, smiling bashfully, “Ok… I’ll see you later.”

 

“See ya.”

  
  
  
  


I returned just like she had asked. And felt even more nervous this time. Because now she knew the truth; the turning point that changed my life. And we didn’t really have much time to talk about it, so I’m sure she’s curious about everything. 

 

“How are you feeling,” she asked timidly.

 

“I’m… ok… How are you?”

 

“I’m ok.”

 

“That’s good.”

 

We remained quiet as we strolled along a path through a small park. And to put it simply, it’s really awkward. But even if it feels weird, I’m just happy I’m next to her. 

 

“There’s a lot I want to know, but I feel like I shouldn’t ask.”

 

“You can if you’d like,” I tried to sound encouraging.

 

She shook her head with a soft smile on her lips, “No, that’s ok. I don’t want you to talk about your past.”

 

“I don’t mind.”

 

“I guess I mind.”

 

I stopped walking, “Why?”

 

She stopped as well, turning to face me. I saw her eyes glancing up into my eyes for a few seconds at a time. “I’d rather know more about how you feel right now.”

 

“Right now?”

 

She nodded.

 

“Right now I’m scared.”

 

She tilted her head, making her glasses slide down her nose a little, “Scared?”

 

“I’m scared I might like you too much.”

 

“W-What?”

 

I looked down at my feet, “I’m scared I’ll get too attached to you and something bad will happen, just like before. But I’m trying not to be scared. I’m trying to let myself just stay in the now and try and be happy. But I think about stuff like hate and pain, forgiving my attacker and trying to move on.” My forehead scrunched up as I got more conflicted. “I want to move on but how do I do that? Can I ever truly move past everything that happened?”

 

“I’ve never had to deal with something that hard. My life has been pretty easy compared to yours. I feel a little guilty that it has.”

 

“Please don’t feel that way,” I almost begged.

 

She shook her head, “No, I know. I guess... I just wish I could help you.”

 

“You can help me,” I practically whispered.

 

She took a step closer to try and hear me better, “What did you say?”

 

By the time I looked up from the ground, I noticed she was standing right in front of me. I could see her pupils dilating. Her cheeks were pink and dewy. Her lips a little red. And for the first time in a long time I felt myself wanting to kiss. 

 

I like her. 

 

I like her alot.

 

“C-Can you just… stay by my side?”

 

She was getting redder by the second. She took a step back and covered her face. But just a moment later she was back to standing right in front of me and looking straight into my eyes. “What do you mean by that? You mean as a friend? You mean as…” her voice got really quiet, “...a girlfriend?”

 

“I don’t know about girlfriend or friend or anything. I-....” I gulped and continued to look into her yes, “I just want you. Y/N. I want you with me.” I broke the gaze and looked to the side, “You help me feel normal. Like I can get through all this crap so long as I have you with me.”

 

“Jungkook…”

 

“I’m sorry that’s so vague. That sounds like a lot of pressure.” I chewed on my bottom lip nervously. “I’m gonna keep trying. And I hope you’ll say you’ll stick around to help me.”

 

She slowly reached out to grab my hand, looking carefully to make sure it was ok. But I didn’t flinch, I didn’t pull away. So she took it as an ok. She squeezed my hand and smiled.

 

“Yes, I’ll help you.”

 

I squeezed her hand back, “Thank you.”

 

“You’re welcome Jungkook.”

  
  
  
  


_____

  
  
  
  


I can't say it's been easy. It hasn't. I have a lot of bad days. Days where I regress and hide away from the world. Nights I’m crying myself awake from nightmares. 

 

But I have good days too. 

 

Namjoon actually suggested I move in permanently with him. That made me really happy. But I turned that down. He started talking to an old friend of his from his college days and he seems pretty smitten with him; Jung Hoseok if I’m remembering it correctly. Either way, I don’t wanna get in the middle of things and mess things up for him. And besides, moving out was a healthy step for me. The relief of going off on my own again made me feel good. It felt like I could stand on my own and be ok. 

 

But we all know I can’t live like that anymore. I know I can’t.

 

I still have Namjoon’s support, but more importantly, I have Y/N. 

 

She’s not my girlfriend but we aren’t  _ just  _ friends. I’ve told her she’s important to me and that I really care about her. But I wasn’t ready just yet to put titles on our relationship. I guess I’m still a little scared, but she understands. She always understands. She’s always patient and listening to me. Even if I’m irrational or pushing her away, she’s always there for me.

 

I’m always learning from her. And like Namjoon, I’m completely smitten. I’m so in love. I just hope that one day I can get the courage to ask her to be mine officially. But I know that it’ll come one day. Unlike before, I have faith in myself.

 

I’m so lucky.

 

I’m so happy.

 

“Jungkook!” 

 

I heard my name called out cheerfully and I couldn’t help but smile.

 

I used to hate my name.

 

Like I used to hate myself.

 

I spent a long time ignoring the pain, telling myself that I was ok. That because I was alive, that I didn’t need to do anything else. 

 

But now I have love again.

 

I love myself and I love my life. 

 

The struggles of anxiety and depression and PTSD are still a part of me, but now I know how to handle them better. I know my limits and what I’m capable of. I don’t run away from those things because they make my life hard. 

 

I’m done having a hard life. 

 

There isn’t any more time to spare on hate and anger. 

 

“Jungkook! You coming?”

 

I look at the girl I’ve fallen in love with. She’s calling for me and I really can't find it in me to hate life anymore. Because with her help, I've found a passion for living again. 

 

“You finally ready,” she asked with her hand outstretched for mine.

 

I grabbed her hand, lacing it together tightly and smiled, “I'm ready.”

  
  
  
  


I'm ready for life. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a year since I released the first chapter of I Saved Her.
> 
> I'll be honest it became a hot topic really fast! So fast in fact that I wasn't sure I could keep up.   
> And for months on end I was getting questions about Jungkook and his side of things.  
> I was really scared of writing this story because I was so scared of not living up to the original story I Saved Her.  
> But I wanted to do this! So here it is! A present to myself as well as a present to ya'll!
> 
> I hope ya'll enjoyed it. This is very special to me. It has a lot of my personal feelings and emotions I've felt as I've gone through my days.   
> I hope it encourages you and helps you heal!
> 
> Thank you so much for the endless support and love. I really couldn't do it without ya'll. Thank you. (And a special shout out to @YourHobi because she is bae and I love you)
> 
> Please Be happy - Miya


End file.
